Thursday, October 9, 2008

Exactly 500 Words on Nineteenth Century High Fashion

A Historical Account of High Fashion (1800-1899)
For: Professor Gillian McClellan
By: Brent Wilson
University of Viridian City
Course MGH314

While universally adored today, many don't know the origin of the haute couture look known as the "neckbeard". Recent archaeological discoveries have placed the neckbeard back to the time of the Sumerians (present day Oakville), but the facial hairstyle takes it etymogical roots from Confederate General Arbok Beardneck from the Nineteenth Century American Civil War.

Beardneck was so consumed by battle preparations that he had time for neither personal grooming nor time to give his fanciful collection of snakes its proper attention. The latter led to the snakes growing unruly and prone to bite, as an aside this led to the naming of a snake like Pocket Monster after him in the popular Japanese Neo Geo Pocket Color Game Pocket Monsters II: Revenge of the Pocket Monsters.

As much as Beardneck was consumed with battle he was also concerned with his lasting legacy.
He foresaw the invention of the moving pictures, and with it the chance to make money on formulaic race-relations movies. As such he sought to have an African-American join his platoon of Confederate troops. When confronted by his superiors with the demand "He's not playing in that game!"

Beardneck was stern in his response "Damn right he's going to play, and we're going to win!"
The movie ends with the African American player winning whatever the Nineteenth Century War equivalent of the Heisman trophy is, after bringing both races together and winning the big game on a last second trick play of some sort.

In actuality Beardneck was turned on by his troops and murdered in his tent on Sept. 13, 1862.
The African-American escaped to sweet freedom and his grandson was the first black polo player fighting against the odds facing a prejudiced all white polo society (Wait...has polo been done yet? Must...get...agent...on.. phone quickly. I'll call it The Ride to Freedom)

Beardnecks gravestone reads "You guys will see, that will make an awesome movie....or at least a very profitable one." History has vindicated Beardneck, so whenever you see a portly fellow sporting a Neckbeard don't turn away or mock him. Embrace the spirit of Arbok Beardneck who has brought this great country so much, and aside from money and a legacy asked for so little.

And one more sentence brings it to exactly 500 words, right now. Now.