Saturday, January 31, 2009

Ask Brent! A Ryanandbrent German Gemcraft Related Mailbag

Threatening to kill my fish didn't do it. Appealing to your Kyle(and friends of Kyle) murdering sensibilities didn't do it either. But by god I'll find a way to get all of you Gemcraft-loving Germans to give back to this blog that has given you so much. I thought you guys loved killing living beings, but I guess this is the first time stereotypes have ever proven to be false.

GERMAN STEREOTYPE 2: They love recognition. It's a fact. To take advantage of this proven fact, and ironically to continue my pathetic pandering for comments (maybe I'm part German) I've decided to respond to every comment we get from Germany with a post in mailbag format.

That's right Fritz, after you go to google.de, search for Gemcraft tips and find this award nominated blogs (We're up for best new blog in the 2009 Bloggies!) all you need to do is comment and I will answer your burning questions.

Ever wanted to know why I was unjustly banned from the Ray Twinney Complex? Or if I think a tornado could really pluck all the feathers off of a chicken? Well then just ask German word for friend, and get all the attention and warmth your murderous sprees and detached father couldn't provide.

As fate would have it our good German friend Martin Vee left me the following mailbag question on January 7th on the post "So...I'm Pretty Good at Gemcraft."

Dear Brent, (added by editor)

Martin Vee said...

... but I'm not impressed. You're using Internet Explorer. :)

Seriously, you're good! I'm almost done with the game, but I haven't reached level 40... then again, I don't have as much glowing frames as you do.

Hmm... Should try to get 'em all.

January 7, 2009 8:15 AM

Your fan, Martin Vee (added by editor)


Great question Martin! One we get all the time. Ryan and I first met in 1990 when I moved two doors down from his house, and we were forced to become friends because we were the same age. Thanks for writing, hope everything is going well in Frankfurt.

Your idol, Brent.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I'll be honest with you...I made fun of these girls at first. But then I started thinking...this is exactly my reaction if the Blue Jays were in the World Series, Game 7, Bottom of the 9th, up by 1, and B.J. Ryan were to give up a game winning home run.

Just replace these 12 year old girls wearing David Archuletta shirts, with grown men, decked out in Blue Jays apparel (and possibly sporting playoff beards) and you pretty much have the idea...The only difference being that after we were done crying and my mom had tried to console us, we would most likely have gone on a rampage involving heavy drinking, breaking things, and a poorly thought out plot to murder B.J. Ryan, which likely would end up with us in Jail.

After closer inspection of this video, I'm not sure all of these girls share the genuine devastation felt by the girl in the middle. I'm talking about you girl on the far right with the generic "american idol" shirt, and overweight girl in the back who was probably only invited because her mom is friends with the other girls moms.

Look...girl on the right pretends to be shocked at first, but soon after is actually smiling, I think we have a closet David Cook fan on our hands (don't worry girl on the right, I am too, he's so dark and dreamy) And as for overweight girl...her loud screams are clearly only a failed attempt at trying to fit in with these girls. perhaps a more effective method would be to stop eating so much...maybe go the gym every now and then.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Problem Solving


Dammit Brent! i wanted the first post of 2009...You can only imagine my disappointment after logging on last night to write my "first blog of 2009" entry, only to find your post about kyle standing closer to fires. And while I do agree with your stance, I have to pretend to be nice to kyle for the next 8 days because he invited me to the raps game next Sunday.

Fortunately A new problem arose yesterday that was blog worthy...

Ever since we moved into our little downtown apartment, we've had a host of minor problems...radiators not working, radiators working too well, no hot water, clogged drains, etc... and we always just assumed it was because it was an old building...until yesterday.

yesterday my lovely roomate was diagnosed with shingles, (a disease that as far as I knew, was only for old people) how could this happen? It was then i realized the only explanation for all these problems was that we had a ghost. A radiator breaking, hot water hogging, shingles giving ghost.

At the same time I was becoming increasingly concerned with global warming...which is when I thought to myself "what if there was a way to solve both these problems?" And at that very moment the idea struck me...Ghost Power!!!

unlike many forms of energy currently in use, ghost power is a 100% clean source of energy. In addition to this it is completely renewable and powerful. did you know that one medium sized ghost can provide enough energy to power a small city for 17 days?

As an added bonus, houses that were previously unsellable due to haunting concerns now skyrocket in value, ending the real estate crisis in the states, and thus ending the depression.

And there you have it...global warming, the depression, and my apartment concerns all solved with one solution.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Several Reasons Why Kyle Should Stand Nearer to Fires

1) Ooh that's nice and toasty isn't it? Especially on such a blustery winter's eve, am I right Kyle?

2) Yeah, I actually got it started right before you got here that's why it's so nice. Everyone knows the best part of a fire is the second fifth, after the newspaper is burnt but before perfect Kyle-singeing.....I mean marshmallow roasting time.

3) How did I learn to start such great fires? Oh, I don't know, a little something called Survivorman. Did you know that all you need to start a blaze is some hard work, a little know how, several matches, newspaper, wood, gasoline, a fire pit, and a barbeque lighter after neither matches nor a regular lighter work?

4) Oh no! I dropped my very special locket that my Grandmother from Croatslavia gave to me on....ummm....my deathbed. Kyle, won't you be a dear and turn your back to me, bend over and pick it up? It fell right past that switch that activates the trap-slide into the fire.

5) What? Oh, silly me! You're right that is a Tamagotchi not the locket that Gramma-got-me!!!! Do you get it? Haha! Also that response was completely spontaneous and not a planned out joke in case you figured out my planned out ruse of dropping a Japanese electronic pet within pushing distance of the fire.

6) Hmm, this fake-locket Tamagotchi has a really long strap attached to it...that's weird. Look at how it swings back and forth in time with my voice. Follow it with your eyes Kyle, trace its path back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And each time it goes your eyes get heavier and heavier. Heavier and back and forth and heavier and back and forth. When I stop talking you will love walking into fire and then not moving. Not walking into fire and not moving will cause you severe stabbing pain. And there are several nostalgic moments from your childhood in the fire as well, and ummm...you have very tactile memories or something that are good for touching...dammit I'm losing it....pull it together Brent.....what did the rest of that "Impress Your Friends with Hypnosis and Then Murder Them While They're Blinded With Being Impressed" pamphlet say? Great he's waking up. What Kyle? Oh yes, dramatic yawn, I am sleepy now as well. Let's get ready for bed I've brought copious amounts of covers this time.

7) Well, I'm ready to get into my jams what about you Kyle? Get those paint-encrusted pants off and let me slide on these PJs I got you. They are a little wet though, I accidentally drug them through nail polish remover multiple times. Come on Kyle, off with those pants.

8) Kyle, wait, come back....I'm not trying to seduce you, I swear! I'm trying to set you on fire for that time we slept together in Guelph and you were a covers-hog! As the Torah says an eye for an eye

FIN

(EDITOR'S NOTE: After reading this over I saw that my pushing Kyle into a fire and laughing as he burned could be interpreted as being an approving nod to the furnaces in Concentration Camps since Kyle is Jewish and I am a renowned member of the National Socialist German Workers Party. This is not the case. This pre-meditated murder is directed as hate speech against Kyle and Kyle alone, he is so scrawny he wouldn't even burn that nicely. This is also very clearly fiction as if I really wanted to burn Kyle I wouldn't need to fool him. I would just overpower him with my relative manstrength. In addition, only very recently did I discover that the National Socialist German Workers Party had an anti-semitic platform, I only joined because I hate homosexuals, Jesse Owens, and the Treaty of Versailles. Until next time "Hail Victory.")