▼ December (1)

A wise man once said "the pen is mightier than the sword." That man? Jesus Christ (Leviticus 7:19), who said that moments before writing the Bible...and about a year before he was ironically stabbed to death in an alleyway. Obviously it would be blasphemous not to follow my one true Lord and Saviors advice....TIMES TWO!

Times One: Jesus Had A Beard. My bracelet compels me to do whatever Jesus did, so ipso facto I should have a beard.

Times Two: Pen/Sword Thing again, Jesus is telling me that rather than punching my girlfriends kidneys to make her see that beards are great, I should just write down that I will punch her if she doesn't let me get my way.

I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS IF I CAN'T GROW A BEARD. IT WON'T LEAVE ANY BRUISES AT ALL. IF ANYONE ASKS A SHEEP BUTTED YOU IN THE KIDNEYS. MY PUNCHES ARE AT PERFECT SHEEP'S HEAD LEVEL HEIGHT. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Done and done, pen is mightier.

Alternately, I could use the written word to craft a flawless argument to convince her that beards are the way to go. It's not what Jesus intended, but it's worth a shot.

The key to tricking people is to keep in mind that people like some things, but that they do not like other things. To get them to like things they do not like, all you have to do is fool them into thinking something they like is very similar to something they do not like.

Did you know that I once hated Fruit by the Foot but loved Bubble Tape? That was until Ryan told me that despite their superficial differences, they actually have a very subtle similarity. Both will stick in Brad Hansons' hair if you cover them with glue. Now I LOVE Fruit by the Foot!

So Girlfriend, I know that you think beards are gross, I know you also think you like your pet cat. Say, did you ever notice that beards and pet cats are very similar to one another?

They're both hardly noticeable and demand little attention at first. Then they get itchy. As they grow older they get pretty patchy, and the moustache part won't really fill in so you need to use that eyebrow pencil thing. At that point they're still pretty itchy and will irritate anything that rubs against it. Finally, before they reach their full potential you have to get rid of them to go to work. You chop them into tiny pieces with five blades and wash their remains down the sink.

As a last resort, you should also remember that the name of something has a big influence on how you think of it.

Hey, do you want a tiny plate of corn chips with a few pieces of grated cheese and a cup of red sauce? Of course not! But do you want Mucho Con Nachos? I'm halfway to the Borders just thinking about it. (The Mexican Restaurant is in the Mall next to Borders.)

Good bye "gross beard." Hello "Un Hombre Con MUCHO Barbo."

Still not convinced? Oh, you are? Well, that was easier than I thought.