I Went On Another Trip, Yeah

(Sometimes I write posts and then forget to post the posts. So here's something I wrote six months ago about a trip I took eight months prior to that. HOT OFF THA PRESSES!)

San Francisco : Not as cool as Newmarket. Could Chicago: The Windy City, Old Smoke, Chi-Town, the City of Lights and Magic fare any better?

No, not really.

Comparison #1: CULTURE

A lot of people go to art museums and say: "Hey, I could do better than that!"

That's pretty presumptuous and pretentious of them isn't it? What assholes.

I don't say that. I say "Hey, I have already done stuff better than that and it's on display at the Mrs. Edwards Memorial Library in the first floor of Crossland Public School in stunning mid-town Newmarket, Ontario."

I don't have pictoral proof (there's no flash photography allowed in REAL art displays), but I painted a cactus in 1992. It's still up there. It's a pretty great cactus.

Maybe that boring, derivative American Gothic family should have grown some cacti on their hypothetical farm instead of just standing in front of their house.

NEWMARKET WINS THE CULTURE.

Comparison #2: CEMETERIES

Chicago: I wanted to see Al Capone's grave.

I did no research to find where his grave was.

There was a lot of graves in the cemetery. It was a big cemetery.

I could not find Al Capone's grave.

Newmarket: I know exactly where Ryan's grave will be.

NEWMARKET WINS THE CEMETERIES

Comparison #3: Secret Keeping

While walking through the park in Chicago we came across a press conference about to begin with a mysterious black tarp of mystery tarponing off the front of the display.

You want to know what the press conference will be about? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! EVER! UNTIL IT STARTS! Or....until you walk behind the press conference.


It was about the White Sox playing the Cubs in Interleague play and the winner getting a trophy no one cares about.

But apparently it was a big deal...and a secret.

Our pointing and laughing somehow alerted the staff to cover the back of the display but not before we got a picture! TAKE THAT SECRETS.

Newmarket: I'm great at keeping secrets. I didn't mean to ruin Tom's surprise 13th birthday party in Grade 8...it just kind of happened.

And when Kyle decides to come out is completely up to Kyle, no one else.

NEWMARKET WINS THE ANNE FRANK AWARD OF SECRECY!!!!!!!!

Lemme just add up the results here.....alright......ok.....so it looks like.

NEWMARKET: 3~!

CHICAGO: 0

I hereby award Newmarket that lame Interleague trophy they are going to give the Cubs.

YOU'RE NEXT PARIS.