Ryan and Brent

Beard Present: The Gift that Keeps on Growing (Act 4: The Phantom Menace (It's the Fourth One, I Don't Care What You Nerds Say, It Came Fourth!))

2011-12-30T11:11:00.005-05:00

(Boy character now has beard)

B: I don't feel as manly as I had expected....In fact I feel kind of itchy....and patchy....and hairy.

Girl character: Well what did you expect?

B: You know.....I'd have a beard.....and stuff....and it would make me manly.....and look wise....and make plaid shirts look cool on me...like Red Green or Camel Joe.

G: Joe Camel didn't have a beard or a plaid shirt.

B: He had hair on his face, ipso facto: beard.

G: You can always just shave.....it irritates my face when it rubs against me and I hate hate hate it.

B: Throw away your Orthodox Christmas present? I wouldn't dare. Need I remind you that both Orthodox Santa and Orthodox Jesus Christ have beards. And need I also remind you of my New Years Resolution? Now whenever I have a dilemma I gesture to my bracelet and follow its advice.

(Lifts arm to reveal WWOJCD bracelet)

Would Orthodox Jesus Christ keep his beard? You know what, I really think that he would.

Now, what should we have for dinner?....(looks to bracelet) Ummm, I'm going to have to go to the expert on this one.

(Pulls out phone)

Hey Kyle, can Jews and/or Orthodox Jesus Christ eat lobster?....Kyle I can't understand you, your mouth is too full of bacon. What? Bron't eat crobster? What? No, I didn't forget to charge your PSP screen, I know how bright you like it. Look, I gotta go.

LOBSTER IT IS!

Beard Present: The Gift that Keeps on Growing (Act 3: How Many Acts Do Plays Usually Have?)

2011-11-17T11:53:00.005-05:00

Boy character: We could just celebrate Orthodox Christmas this year....by January I may have found a new job for present money.

Girl character: Do I look like a smelly Hungarian?

B: ....That would be offensive but I've never met a Hungarian person so I can neither confirm nor deny that stereotype.

G: Okay, how about this, we'll call a present truce for this year. If we both get nothing, then that's the same as us both getting something. Right?

B: WHAT! Maybe in Communist Hungary it is! Not getting something is called every day. Are you trying to say that everyday is truce Christmas? Are there 364 Truce Jesus' that I don't know about?

G: Okay, we could just get each other a "free" gift sort of thing.

B: Augh, not like those stupid coupon books that lazy guys get their girlfriends that promise things like "50% off your next I wuv woo".

G: No, I got one of those once and it was basically full of coupons that said "7 for 1 Sex for Foreplay." And the expiry dates weren't until 2020."

B: Actually those might not be such a bad..

G: NO...it can be like something you mentioned before, I can force you to come out with me and my friends to get to know them. Since I know you will hate doing it that makes it a present.

B: Only if I finally get to grow a beard in return.

G: No no no, I'll think of something else.

B: But I'm not working in an office now, this is the only time I can get away with growing one....TOO LATE YOU SAID DEAL.

(Boy Character runs away, how enthralling! Will this exciting tale wrap up before Christmas? MAYBE!)

Beard Present: The Gift that Keeps on Growing (Act 2: The Sordid Tale Continues)

2011-10-31T14:25:00.006-04:00

Boy character: It's not the end of the world. We can dip into our New York trip savings if need be TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Girl character: No, absolutely not, I've been waiting to go to New York for over a year now, we already had to postpone it twice, the first time to pay for your surgery after you swallowed Lego.

B: Totally looked like a Sour Patch Kid wearing a plastic hat.

G: And then again after you fell for that Internet scam.

B: They said my Paypal password had expired and to tell them at Paypall.com what my new one should be! That was just some clever thieving on their part. Fool me once and all that.

I know the real secret reason you want to go to New York City that bad...to be the very first person to eat New York Fries while IN New York. But if you just let me blindfold you I can go to the mall Food Court and you can just pretend you're eating Fries in Manhattan.

I'll regale you with soothing New York sounds and smells. *Honk honk, beep beep. Aaaa-ooooga*

I will have to stop drinking so much water to get that authentic New York urine smell though.

(Ka-blam urine smell test reference all ova' your face KYLE.)

I mean, you did go to the Ontario College of Imagination and Imagination, it's high-time you put your degree in Fine Imagining to work.

G: No dipping into New York money, that's final.

B: Boooooooooooooooooooo! (Halloween ghost reference y'all!)

Beard Present: The Gift that Keeps on Growing (Act 1: In The Beard-ginning)

2011-08-31T12:56:00.003-04:00

Girl character: Hey, how was work dear.

Boy character: Well....I've got good news and bad news.

G: Hmm?

B: So you know how you say I'm too busy with working, and work-related activities and my job to have gotten to know your girlfriends?

G: Ummm..yes.
B: And you know the old saying "In trying economic times the very worst workers are the first to go?"

G: I don't think that's a saying... Wha- What? You got fired? Right before Christmas?
{Editor's note: This takes place right before Christmas.]

B: Yes....but the good news is that now I can spend more time with your girlfriends! Wait a minute....

{Stage directions: Boy character comically realizes that the good news is in fact bad news FOR HIM! What a crazy twist to end the act! He holds a Christmas ornament in his hand so tightly that it breaks! {Editor's note: Still before Christmas}}

Feeling Like You Have Low Energy? CHANGE IT TODAY!

2011-07-18T12:15:00.012-04:00

Are you feeling down? As if your body is running low? NEED AN ENERGY BOOST?????

Hi, I'm Dr. Brent Wilson and a common complaint I hear from my ~~test subjects~~ patients, is that they don't feel as if there body has as much energy as it used to.

THIS IS FALSE. Generally these patients are much fatter than they used to be. Their bodies are actually storing much more potential energy within those wobbly confines.

Burning all of the calories in a two hundred and fifty pound person yields enough energy to power a treadmill for 16 hours, long enough for 125 two hundred and fifty pound people to briefly walk on it before tiring. Or you could power an incandescent light bulb for 45 minutes....they are hilariously inefficient.

But what is the most efficient way to unleash this powerful source of energy we all have inside of us?

Not Exercise? NO!

Exercise? NO!

Using smaller, weaker people (Kyle) as kindling to light yourself ablaze? MAYBE!

The answer is simple: WHAT I UNDERSTAND OF SCIENCE! Your body contains 4.22 x 10²⁷Hydrogen atoms. That's over a trillion times more than the number of stars in the Milky War. (Not hyperbole, if my terrible math is correct, that's seriously true.)To most efficiently utilize the power of this energy all you have to do is convert those protium isotopes into deuterium and tritium. Which....sounds probably easy enough...lemme check Wikipedia....alright...umm heavy water....ooh CANDU reactor, Greg works there, maybe he knows something about this.

"Hey Greg, yeah.......yeah....oh really? Hahaha that is funny. Cool, oh, you're coming down when? Once sec, let me check my calendar. Let's see, let's see, umm the 18th? Looks good, I'm completely free that day. Oh wait, I'm looking in the wrong month, what a silly goose I am. August...uhhh August, ummm. here we are. August the 18th? Looks good buddy. Yeah, yeah, alright. sounds good. Talk to you later."

Where was I?

Right, so somehow convert the hydrogen in your body which are protium isotopes into deuterium and tritium. Now all you have to do is detonate a fission bomb, which if the movie War Games with Matthew Broderick taught me anything, are relatively easy to find.

So let the fission bomb compress and heat your fusion fuel filled body and KABLAMMO, that 250 pound man has just released the equivalent of 100,000 tons of TNT (again if my terrible math is correct.)

Who is low energy now? HUH? HUH!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Now, I am become Brent, the destroyer of low energy.

I Went On Another Trip, Yeah

2011-06-19T19:30:00.000-04:00

(Sometimes I write posts and then forget to post the posts. So here's something I wrote six months ago about a trip I took eight months prior to that. HOT OFF THA PRESSES!)

San Francisco : Not as cool as Newmarket. Could Chicago: The Windy City, Old Smoke, Chi-Town, the City of Lights and Magic fare any better?

No, not really.

Comparison #1: CULTURE

A lot of people go to art museums and say: "Hey, I could do better than that!"

That's pretty presumptuous and pretentious of them isn't it? What assholes.

I don't say that. I say "Hey, I have already done stuff better than that and it's on display at the Mrs. Edwards Memorial Library in the first floor of Crossland Public School in stunning mid-town Newmarket, Ontario."

I don't have pictoral proof (there's no flash photography allowed in REAL art displays), but I painted a cactus in 1992. It's still up there. It's a pretty great cactus.

Maybe that boring, derivative American Gothic family should have grown some cacti on their hypothetical farm instead of just standing in front of their house.

NEWMARKET WINS THE CULTURE.

Comparison #2: CEMETERIES

Chicago: I wanted to see Al Capone's grave.

I did no research to find where his grave was.

There was a lot of graves in the cemetery. It was a big cemetery.

I could not find Al Capone's grave.

Newmarket: I know exactly where Ryan's grave will be.

NEWMARKET WINS THE CEMETERIES

Comparison #3: Secret Keeping

While walking through the park in Chicago we came across a press conference about to begin with a mysterious black tarp of mystery tarponing off the front of the display.

You want to know what the press conference will be about? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! EVER! UNTIL IT STARTS! Or....until you walk behind the press conference.

It was about the White Sox playing the Cubs in Interleague play and the winner getting a trophy no one cares about.

But apparently it was a big deal...and a secret.

Our pointing and laughing somehow alerted the staff to cover the back of the display but not before we got a picture! TAKE THAT SECRETS.

Newmarket: I'm great at keeping secrets. I didn't mean to ruin Tom's surprise 13th birthday party in Grade 8...it just kind of happened.

And when Kyle decides to come out is completely up to Kyle, no one else.

NEWMARKET WINS THE ANNE FRANK AWARD OF SECRECY!!!!!!!!

Lemme just add up the results here.....alright......ok.....so it looks like.

NEWMARKET: 3~!

CHICAGO: 0

I hereby award Newmarket that lame Interleague trophy they are going to give the Cubs.

YOU'RE NEXT PARIS.

Chappy Bday Cryan

2011-05-28T07:45:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday Friend. Twenty one years, that's a long time to live.

Longtime me's will remember those immortal lyrics from Depression Obsession's hit song Happy Birthday Friend. (myspace.com/depressionobsession BUY A T-SHIRT!)

That was my present to Ryan five years ago today.

TODAY: Well, here's a picture that I can absolutely promise that pinkag did not help me with.
Also that speech bubble is supposed to read "I love Ryanandbrent.blogspot.com."

Not "I love ribbs.com"....although that sounds like a great site as well.

If you look carefully you can see that I got Kyle to sign it as well.

This picture references several moments from Happy Birthday Friend, which were themselves references from real life.

Bdayatrayal: RYAN DID NOT INVITE ME TO HIS SIXTH BIRTHDAY PARTY!
I WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND RANG THE DOORBELL AND THE PARTY WAS GOING ON AND HIS MOM HAD TO AWKWARDLY TELL ME TO GO AWAY!!!

THEN THEY WALKED TO THE PARK RIGHT BY MY HOUSE AND I WAS ON THE PORCH AND I STARTED CRYING! THIS IS THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THAT TERRIBLE DAY!

I got my revenge though.

Cryan: We were pretty certain there was a monster in the sewer system behind our houses. It made strange bumpy noises, coincidentally it made these noises whenever a car passed over it.
Graham also claims to have seen something with a crocodile mouth.

These claims remain unsussed as Ryan REFUSED to go searching through the wet, filthy sewer, probably because he was scared and would CRY!

He became Cryan from that day forth. Hahaha revenge is a dish best served dimly remembered twenty years later.

So....yeah, those are my main memories of twenty one years of experiencing Ryan birthdays.

Oh and that time I nailed him with a shaving cream pie as he got on the school bus.

But that tale is being saved for another time.

*Pours bucket of water on the fire and then chases his friends who left him all alone by the camp fire after the completion of the scary tales.*

The End of an Era

2011-05-27T00:21:00.000-04:00

Many of you imaginary readers will be disappointed to learn that I officially purchased a cellular telephone device today, ending an incredibly long streak of getting by solely on electronic mail, handwritten letters, and the occasional landline based call.

It all started a few days ago, I was reading an article on teen “sexting” and I was so ~~aroused~~ appalled by this behaviour that I decided right there and then that I would get myself one of these fancy high tech cellular devices and see if I couldn't put an end to this phenomenon myself.

I imagine it will sort of be like that "to catch a predator" show with Chris Hansen, but instead of catching pedophiles trying to meet up with underage teens. I'll catch underage teens trying to send "sexts" to me. At the moment I'm unsure of exactly how I intend to accomplish that (or how my current girlfriend will feel about it) but I can't see any way this could possibly end badly for me.

I can only imagine how proud she'll be of me after finding my phone chock full of teenage girls in compromising positions.

It feels good knowing that I'll soon be making the world a better place...

My Dating In the Dark Audition Transcript

2011-04-30T16:39:00.006-04:00

We all know that Dating in the Dark (Daten In het Donker) is not only a great television show, but it's also incredibly inspirational. I managed to get through to the third call-backs for season three which you can find transcribed below.

Producer: So, why do you want to be featured on Dating in the Dark?

Brent: Um, love. Yeah, love mostly. Like, I'm always being judged based on my appearance and not on my inner me. Like ladies yeah, I know, hot on the outside, probably a bad boy on the inside, but hey, don't like jump to conclusions alright? There's so much more to me than my abs.

P: Alright, sounds good. Just give Jill your number on the way out you sound like an ideal contest....

B: It's certainly not because I'm balding and that in pitch darkness girls could not see my hairline. It's mainly the stuff about abs and love.

P: You do know that at the end of the episode the girl you choose will get to see you in the light right? Trying to hide your male pattern baldness won't work for that long.

B: How long is it until the reveal?

P: Typically three or four dates.

B: Well I could still get quite a bit done in three dates if you know what I mean......do you know what I mean?

P: Not really....and if you get physical with a contestant won't she be able to feel your bald head?

B: Not if I'm standing on my hands..

P: Uhhhhhh.

B: Wait! I have a way to improve your game. One word: blind contestants! Dating in the Dark.....Forever. And then for the reveal you'll put an attractive mannequin head with hair for them to feel and a tape recorder inside with my voice talking about how blindness is great and that new sight granting surgeries are dangerous and unproven.

P: Yeah actually, don't worry about leaving your numb....

B: Wait, my voice is pretty grating, in that people tell me it sounds like running steel wool over a cheese grater. So, four more words: Blind and deaf contestants! And they just have to marry me and you pay for their caretaker and teach them about water and they are hot and like me. I call it: Dating in the Dark....Forever, And Also the Dark is Soundproof.

The producer got kind of off-topic from there, but all in all I think it went well. I haven't heard anything yet, but in the time waiting I've become suspicious that they will put me on regular Dating in the Dark instead of DITD...FAATDIS.

So I've stolen Ryan's tranny defense technique and applied it thusly: I will yell "HEADS UP" and chuck a softball at my date. If she can hear me, and/or can catch the ball I will be fairly certain she is neither blind or deaf.

CHECK ME OUT THIS SUMMER ON ABC! THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 9 PM EASTERN WHICH IS 8 PM CENTRAL FOR THOSE OF YOU TRAPPED IN WINNIPEG.

Fun Facts from Thailand!

2011-04-04T14:18:00.008-04:00

I had a dream last night that I had to babysit my managers pet walrus and after tucking it into bed I read it some stories from this blog. Upon waking up I was like “oh yeah…I have a blog, maybe I should write something in it once in awhile”

So without further ado, I give you Fun Facts from Thailand! As many of you imaginary readers know, I spent a couple of months in Thailand or as it is sometimes known “the land of Thai” many adventures were had and many lessons learned…

Fun fact #1: Asking a girl if she’s actually a man is maybe not the best thing in the world to do (though highly effective because an actual women will be highly offended). The actual number of ladyboys there is greatly exaggerated, but you can never be too careful especially after 28 hours of flying followed by mistakenly buying a 3 litre “tower of beer”. An effective (and less offensive way) of determining gender is asking them to throw a baseball (tough to find in Thailand) do they throw like a girl? If yes, then you’re probably ok!

Fun fact #2: Monkeys don’t care about you, sure they’re cute and all but they’re only using you for your delicious fruit based drink. Upon arriving in Railai, I did a little exploring and soon encountered a small group of monkeys, though they were shy at first eventually they came close and even began to climb on me. “Wow, I thought to myself, monkeys are awesome” and soon I had envisioned running away from home and joining these group of monkeys forever. Unfortunately the feeling wasn’t mutual, I soon discovered that these monkeys didn’t care about me and my feelings at all, I was just being used for my delicious fruit based drink and the mango peels in my backpack. Once they were gone so were the monkeys…

Fun Fact #3: Accidentally smoking opium while being lost in a jungle in northern Thailand is a really neat life experience, but maybe not the best idea in the world considering there are countless numbers of animals there that have nothing better to do than to kill you for fun with their exotic venoms.

Fun Fact #4: Trying to buy a pirated DVD of the movie ‘despicable me” in Bangkok is extremely difficult. Everyone will assume you are trying to buy porn, persistence is key…

I couldn't find any pictures I took that were related to that fun fact so here's another beach!!

Do pies use iPod?

2011-03-02T21:18:00.013-05:00

I had a terrible fever and in my delirium became briefly obsessed with making my own palindrome.....my first delirious attempts were....well, delirious.

"Was a sub radar on rats star no radar? Bus a saw!"

But after literally minutes of plugging away, I did it, as seen in the title!!!!!

I google'd it and no results came up, which of course means it's my trademark forever.

I also own the Russian confirmation that "Da, pies use iPad."

Lastly, I totally own the words that make Paul do my favourite of his dance moves: "Lethargic Guy Who Is Also Covered in Honey So, Like He Moves Really, Really Slowly" at the bar: "No slo-mo, no Molson.")

Zomb-Finale

2011-02-28T16:56:00.004-05:00

Ryan wouldn't voluntarily give his blood and all my mosquitoes were dead!

Luckily I had yet still a final, spectacular plan that could not fail. All I had to do was take advantage of Ryan's well-known love of swimming and my well-known hobby of rearing lampreys.

"Ryan, would you like to go to the Ray Twinney Funtime Sports Complex & Swimming Centre with me?"

"Yes, friend. That sounds great."

And so we were off, Ryan took a dip in the pool totally unsuspecting of the dangers awaiting him.

He swam a couple laps, went down the water slide, and looked at, but did not venture to the deepish part of the pool where the diving board is. Then as he was toweling off and getting changed, I chloroformed him and dumped my lampreys onto his prone body!

When he fell unconscious his towel remained cinched at all times, so it is totally not gay that I did this. I would have had to uncinch it, take a glimpse, then try to recinch it to do anythin.........oh wait the lab results from the blended lampreys' is in.

Hmm....according to this Ryan does not have any zombie blood in his body....I guess he was right all along. But wait....that's strange, while his zombiecron levels are zero, his fishiecron levels are off the charts! Ryan is at least 99% fish, which helps explain why he loves swimming and is so good at swimming.

POKEMON RESPONSE: As for my only knowing the first 151 Pokemon my response is simple. There ARE only 151 Pokemon. The rest are lies that were invented by science and I know this because none of them appear in our Holiest of Texts (that Pokedex book CJ has). How would Noah have fit Wailord on the Ark? Or have stopped Pineco from being devoured, because most Pokemon are herbivores and bugs that are pinecones are delicious?

It makes no sense! And like with all religions, we only accept things that make sense.

Setting The Record Straight

2011-02-07T13:19:00.005-05:00

I guess I should preface this entry by clearing the air about my death....There's a lot of misinformation flying around this site, and I'm here to set it all straight.

1) I went to Thailand: This is true, I know I should have let you imaginary readers know beforehand but I just didn't know how to say goodbye...

2) I am now a zombie: partly true...while I did contract Solanum while exploring caves near the burmese border (pictured above) upon arrival at home I sacrificed my sugar glider to Chrolrotagar and my zombiecron levels are practically normal. This is also explains why I'm so bad at killing zombies in COD, it's not that I'm bad at the game...it's that part of me still relates to those zombies and I just don't feel right killing them.

3) Brent is Ernie and I am Bert: False...I can only assume this was a typo by Brent

4) I am poor at Gemcraft, Street Fighter, and Pokemon: False...In fact it's quite the opposite. I am a street fighter/gemcraft/pokemon master (not to mention a hamster flying master). I didn't want to bring this up, but did you know Brent isn't even familiar with the newer generation pokemon???

I'm sorry...that was a low blow.

Now I'm Confused

2011-01-31T09:21:00.003-05:00

So, Ryan might not be dead.

Although I imagine our imaginary blog readers wouldn't be surprised if they found out that Ryan's been dead for two years!!!! Ba-zing-a! (This is a reference to his infrequent blog posts, not to his actual death, which is slightly less funny.)

But last week's blog post from his log-in showed that either Ryan is alive, or he gave my old vacation buddy Dave Jett his blog log password.

OR Dave Jett somehow guessed the answer to Ryan's secret password retrieval question.

Q: "Why do the taste of pennies remind you of losing a tooth?"
A: "Because my teeth are made of pennies."

Teeth references are great. Teeth, tooth, teeth. I think the best part about having children is yanking baby teeth out of their skulls. At least, that's what my Mom seemed to take most joy in.

Another reason I think Ryan might be secretly alive.....I saw him a few weeks back and we talked about his "trip" to "Thailand". And then we talked on the phone about the Raptors and the Blue Jays and Vernon Wells, and CJ's homework, and fake strawberry flavor, and how he's totally Bert and I am totally Ernie.

But the questions mount. If Ryan really went on a trip, why didn't he tell me beforehand or at least leave a note?

Did Ryan's sugar glider Mittsy really die of "starvation" or did Ryan sacrifice it to Chrolrotagar to regain life and spend all of eternity toiling as a zombie?

When I asked if I could have some of Ryan's blood, he asked "Why?" I think the fellow doth protest too much (Shakespeare reference, boo-yah!) Don't be soooo defensive, sounds like someone doesn't want me to test their blood for zombiecron levels.

THEN when I trained some mosquitoes to draw Ryan's blood while I distracted him with video games, Ryan murdered the mosquitoes with his hand! How many animals have to die so you can live on zomb-Ryan?

ALSO, Ryan was really bad at killing zombies in the zombie killing video game. This isn't really evidence of anything though, Ryan is also bad at crafting gems, fighting streets, and catchin' 'em all.

2011-01-13T13:52:00.003-05:00

Dear Ryanandbrent.com

I’m sending you this article in hopes that I may too be considered for the opening left by Ryan. Though my name is actually Dave, my middle name is Ryan and I’m hoping that, combined with my superior writing skills just might get me consideration…

Submitted for the approval, of the ryanandbrent society, I call this story (throws sand into fire) “The tale of the quarterbacks sister”

Now unlike the real Ryan who always amazed me with his ability to come up with new and unique story idea’s I’m taking this baby straight from today’s news…Here

Now I know that we’re all tired of Brett Favre stories, but c’mon this is good stuff here…and before I start let’s all just clear the air here, I know what everyone’s thinking….

Brett Favre’s sister is a smokeshow…

now obviously I don't mean that in the way most of you are thinking...I mean just because she was arrested for meth doesn't mean she smokes THAT much, I meant in in terms of her looks. Her chestnut hair, the way she wears it in that "I just got arrested in a meth bust and I don't care how it looks" kinda way (even though you just know she spent all morning on that). Her ghostly pale complexion, (I wonder if that's how ghost Ryan looks now) and those deep sunken beautiful eyes that seem to look directly into your soul...

dammit I'm distracted now...how did Ryan do this on a bi-monthly basis???

All I can think about is how bad I want to piledrive Brett Favre's sister, what's that...you're unfamiliar with that position??

well lucky for you readers I'm not afraid to push the limits...check out the ol' piledriver Here

...I'm so sorry

-Dave Jett

NEW WRITER COMPETITION (MUST BE NAMED RYAN OR BE WILLING TO CHANGE NAME TO RYAN)

2010-12-23T09:08:00.004-05:00

It's been a month, we're all over Ryan being dead by now.

What I'm not over however, is potentially losing this blog, which is the second most important thing in the world to me. (I love you too Katamari).

I came up with an ingenious plan to save the blog. I just have to find another bloke named Ryan, and bingo-bango blog is saved yeah.

Our first entrant in the Ryan replacement contest is Ryan Flanagan, who has agreed to guest write this entry.

"GUEST WRITER" by Ryan Flanagan

Thanks Brent for the wondrous opportunity. Ryanandbrent is still one of the top Gemcraft related search topics on Google, so a chance to take over for Ryan "boring and dead" Dungavell is one I don't take lightly.

Being a ghostwriter is serious and so I did a lot of research on Ghostwriter to prepare. I call it "Ryan's Ghostwriter Review."

The show is called Ghostwriter, and like he's not a scary ghost or anything, no he was just hanging out in a book in Jamal's basement waiting for someone to open the book and stuff.

My favorite episode was the one when they had the community garden, and some people got sick and that, and some rabbits died, what happened, poison in the ground it looks like. I can't remember if it was natural, or someone put it there or something but it was a mystery.

Tina and Alex kiss for the first time, but he's not sure if she likes him still, Gabby is sick, not because of jealousy, she doesn't like Alex it's still mostly the poison.

Even though he's dead Ghostwriter he can still do all sorts of stuff and like helps the children solve the poison mystery, I think he might write a book or paint them a picture to help them solve it or something and then in the end their tomato harvest is great.

So the moral of the story is, you know, even if you're dead like other Ryan, you can still solve mysteries and win awards because it won some awards and that. Might've been an Oscar.

I wasn't really paying complete attention, but like I said, it won some awards so it must have been pretty good...ummm. 9 out of 10.

Ryan Memorial Post

2010-11-18T12:19:00.005-05:00

I have some bad news.

The worst news.

Ryan is no longer with us.

I guess it could be worse. I mean, I could be dead. I prefer things this way.

I went to his house today, walked around back, and knocked on his bedroom window.

There was no response.

I looked into the window.

The room was empty! Of him....his stuff was still all in there and stuff.

All we have left of him is a note he left behind. Is it a suicide note? Did he suddenly get a terminal illness and draft a letter right before dying? I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS PEOPLE. The only answer I do have is that he's dead and that he's never coming back. EVER.

I'm sure Ryan's reading this post wherever he is. His grave, most likely. Do they have computers in graves? Can skeletons read? Why are owls viewed as wise? They don't look that smart to me.

I'll miss you buddy, and all the good times we had. Remember when I hit you in the face with a pie? That was pretty funny.

It's only fitting that Ryan have the last words on his own memorial. Like how James Earl Jones narrated the Mufasa TV funeral special after he killed himself: Hara-kiri Matata.

Without further ado, Ryan's farewell letter.

Hey Brent,

I'm going to be in Thailand for the next 7 weeks going on that vacation I told you about several times. Remember? We even went to the Royal Thai Consulate together to get my visa.

Just wanted to remind you to keep me abreast of any Blue Jays news, because again, as you know, I am in Thailand.

Don't forget to feed my sugar glider Mittsy!

Your pal, who is leaving for vacation, and is not dead,

Ryan

RIP Dear Friend. You will not be forgotten.....right away.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters, FOR REALZ THIS TIME

2010-10-04T10:30:00.003-04:00

You caught me Ryan.

I KNEW that I could beat your score, but I just didn't have the time. Just like I didn't have the time to proofread pinkags' HORRIBLE photoshop before posting it.

I'm a very busy and important man. Crab cakes to eat, crab boats to drive, crab traps to fix. You know the drill.

So I took a week off work completely dead-set on DESTROYING your record by exactly 1,000 feet. It only took 45 seconds. I spent the remainder of my vacation basking in glory.

That got boring pretty fast, so then I watched Gamesmaster, a British video game TV show from 1995. I love it when they talk about how great the graphics are when they are in fact not that great.

WATCH HOW BAD THEY ARE AT MARIO 64! The temper tantrum the guy throws after immediately falling off the slide, then accusing the show of fixing the competition is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEFr6ACZ8sI

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE IS COMPLETE UNADULTERATED PROOF THAT I AM BETTER THAN RYAN

I 100% solemnly swear that pinkag did not touch up this image one iota. Or so help me, may she get hit by a wayward crab boat whose first mate is on vacation.

WOW is right! 3,808 feet!!! Look at those celebratory fireworks I got on the side as well!
All while using Vista and having my Gmail in the other tab. I believe that covers it.

IN SUMMATION:

I AM THE BEST

Lies!

2010-08-23T13:47:00.003-04:00

Dear Imaginary Readers,

I can't sit idly by and let you be sucked into Brent's web of lies, it's time the truth about his latest post be revealed. I know this will devastate many of you, like finding out that your favourite athlete was on steroids...but the truth must come out.

Brents flight of the hamster record was not attained on skill alone...it was aided....by photoshop!

I know what you're thinking..."Ryan these are some pretty serious accusations, what proof to do you have?"

well my friends, lets take a closer look at the picture shall we???

(I would usually add in the picture here but seriously it's one post down, just slightly scroll down...there ya go)

evidence #1: Everyone knows that Brent loves window's Vista....and yet here he is using Windows 7? A little odd isn't it?

evidence #2 Why is windows live hotmail open in another tab? Brent doesn't use hotmail...

evidence #3 Everything is exactly the same as in my picture except the numbers, and isn't his girlfriend majoring in photoshop at school?

evidence #4 I'm way more talented at flight of the hamsters than Brent...just the fact that his score was higher should be evidence of cheating.

So what now???

well my friends, I'm afraid that Brent is looking at some serious jail time...you can't lie on the internet.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters

2010-08-03T13:34:00.002-04:00

Photographic proof.

I challenge Ryan to beat this score so that I can then beat him again. I AM THE GREATEST

The Anti Jared: Part 2

2010-07-15T13:07:00.003-04:00

I know, I know...I haven't been on here in awhile, but we don't all have the luxury of working a 9-5 job in downtown Toronto, some of us are busy...just yesterday I played flight of the hamsters for like 3 hours trying to break my record (mission accomplished) and then I had to go to baseball

life is crazy right now...

So what brings me back you ask? Well imaginary readers the truth is after reading Brents touching and informative piece "The Ant Jared" I thought I should share something with you...

I too have battled with weight problems.

While Brent brought up some interesting ideas on weight loss, I'd like to share with you some scientifically proven and healthier ways to help you imaginary readers achieve your goals...

1) Capsaicin: What is that you ask? it's the active ingredient found in hot peppers that makes food spicy. It's also been shown to increase metabolism in humans in addition to a myriad of other benefits. My recommendation, replace bottled water with bottles of hot sauce.

2) Smoking: It's been proven by science that smoking helps curb your appetite, less appetite means less food in your stomach, and ultimately less calories. Not a fan of smoking? that's fine, appetite loss is a side effect of all tobacco products! So head on down to your local convenience store, pick up some chewing tobacco, and let science take over. And if you're really serious about weight loss go ahead and swallow a little...I personally guarantee you will not be eating for a while. which leads nicely into my final tip...

3) Cancer: You know, Cancer gets a bad rap a lot of the time, I mean sure it's potentially fatal, but people often overlook the benefits, mainly weight loss. While the cancer cells slowly destroy your body from the inside out, you'll be laughing on your way to buy a whole new wardrobe!

Well my friends, I hope this helps, and in the meantime, I'll leave you with this...

seriously, I am awesome at this game....

They Would Have Named Some Sort of FunRun After Me

2010-06-30T09:55:00.002-04:00

There was swelling and pain. I thought there might also be a lump.

In my testicles.

It would have been a testicular lump. Obviously I didn't jump to conclusions before I got it checked out, but OF COURSE I jumped to conclusions.

I was positive it was cancer, the scariest kind of cancer. Double cancer. It has spread to my lymph nodes already, what's that pain in my side? OH NO CANCER ALL OVER!

It turns out it wasn't cancer. So, that's good. Apparently your testicles are full of natural creases, grooves, lumps, and tubes. Which is really confusing, thanks a lot God.

Also, other lumps and swelling develop all the time from non-cancer related issues. I slightly tore a muscle in the area right behind the testicular zone which caused pain and concentrated swelling. Hooray, I guess.

The important point isn't my mini-scare, or to make light of cancer...which is honestly going to get me one day, as it did to most of my family tree.

The point is that this made me realize what a fucking narcissist I am, and how I can take LITERALLY any situation, no matter how dire, and turn it into a fantasy where I'm the hero.

See after I got examined, and the Doctor told me that I DID have cancer I was going to play it cool. "No big deal, we all have our struggles in life. Am I scared of death? Of course not, I am a brave, brave, brave, brave, strong, brave guy." I also wouldn't really tell anyone about it. "No need to worry my family or friends. They aren't as strong nor as brave as I am. Plus, I need the element of surprise to make the next part of the fantasy work."

Now there's two ways it could go. I played out both ways multiple times in my brains.

OPTION 1: I BEAT CANCER.

I don't make a big deal out of it, but now I do draw attention to it....subtly, maybe with a Facebook post thing. "Finally in remission." "Down one testicle, but it's worth it."
What those are really saying is. "I KICKED CANCER'S ASS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IT AND I AM AN INSPIRATION TO EVERYONE!!!!!"

OPTION 2: CANCER BEATS ME

I guess I didn't fight hard enough in this fantasy....although I've never really understood how one mentally "fights" cancer anyway.

On my death bed I'm still brave. "Don't....cry.....I've peacefully and quickly.....accepted my fate. I know....it is tragic that someone so brave and strong and dashing and young has had to pass on......it's been a blast."

Aren't your tear ducts welling with emotion at my brave stance in the face of eternal emptiness?

So again, I don't have cancer. Cancer is awful, and I've learned my lesson about being glib and fanciful when it comes to serious matters.

But I did sure class-ily kick its ass most of the time.

NEXT TIME: HOW I WOULD'VE NOT CRASHED ON THE RAINY ROAD THAT MORGAN FREEMAN CRASHED ON DESPITE MY HISTORY OF BEING IN MANY CAR CRASHES

The Anti-Jared

2010-05-31T10:58:00.002-04:00

57% of North Americans are now considered "over-weight", obesity is an epidemic that affects millions (Kyle) that is just getting more common by the second.

A lot of the imaginary readers of the site could probably tell based on my writing tone (Dude totally writes like a fat guy)....but I've been battling weight issues for a while now, at my peak I was a shocking 177 pounds of gelatinous goo.

Think about that for a second. That's 34,170 pennies. That's 4.4 curling stones. That's 0.0000000607 CN Towers.

BUT NO LONGER. As of this morning I weighed in at 150.0 pounds. I haven't been this light since I was a baby, I think. Obviously 150 pounds is nice, but it's still large. (0.0000000515 CN Towers!!!)

I still wear the jeans I bought at my peak weight as motivation, and as a clarion call signifying how truly far I have come. They are a bit loose. But the bagginess signifies success. I should get a belt.

My goal is to get down to 77 pounds. Exactly 100 pounds lost. I will not rest until I reach my goals. Well, I will rest a lot actually. I'm tired a lot now and struggle to complete simple tasks. I sit in my office chair a lot. It feels like it's too big now. I should ask for a new, smaller chair. Ugh, Maya is all the way across the room....too weak to speak, only capable of typing short word slow, must fight urge eat.

***LUNCH BREAK ***

Phew, much better. So how did I do it? It's easy!!

Just follow these simple steps.

1) Don't really eat at all. Ever. I'm on an all-"liquid" diet. Speaking of:

2) Hydration is key. It's the key enemy of weight loss. Did you know your body is 75% water? I could weigh 37.5 pounds right now if I could just excise it all from my being. I'm trying though. On my lunch break I ground up some chalk with some sand and had a shake. (I obviously didn't use water as a base, I used tar) Chalk juice I call it. Chalk on the beach. Ol' Dry Mouth. The Tennessee Grift. V8: Like the Engine Not the Gross Tomato Stuff. I like to have it on the rocks, like I literally use pebbles.

That's pretty much it. Shape up Kyle! Or Ship Out! I don't know what that last part means, but it sounds pretty, pretty, pretty, motivating.

I'll write about Chicago when the world is cured of obesity.

This is what we in the biz call a teaser.

2010-04-30T23:05:00.005-04:00

I'm in Shipshewana, Indiana. Right now, not in 2009, despite what that sign says.

That's right, THE Shipshewana, Indiana. Home of Northeastern Indiana's largest Country Auction and Antique House, as well as an Arby's.

When I figure out how to get the rest of the pictures from the camera onto the computer, I will regale you all with incredible vacation stories.

Including:

JAM-MAKING!!!

A NEWS CONFERENCE WITH A SUPER SECRET BLACK TARP!!!

JELLY-MAKING!!!

AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MAYBE MORE.

STAY TUNED INTERNETS

HILARIOUS JOKE THRILLS FAMILY

2010-03-29T12:36:00.013-04:00

IS NOW, PERHAPS EVEN MORE FUNNY THREE MONTHS LATER

It was Christmas dinner.

My brother was late.

There was a pie there.

Sometimes the incredible Ryanandbrent jokes just write themselves.

Take a moment to think how you would blend these factors together to make the entire room bust with laughter……..TIMES UP KYLE!

“Hey Mark, you should try the Lemon Meringue Pie. I think you’ll find it to be, much like yourself (pause for added emphasis) QUITE TARTY!”

The only problem was that no one laughed.

They must not have heard me I thought.

“QUITE TARTY!!!!!”

Alright, they heard me both times. Maybe they just didn’t understand the greatness I had bestowed upon them.

“You see, Mark was late, or TARDY to dinner. And the pie is quite TARTY. Do you see what I did there? Do you all? You may now commence laughing.”

So it turns out they just didn’t think it was funny.

I hate my family.

Almost as much as I hate Kyle. Kyle Shiaman. The Kyle Shiaman who lives right near me but still won't hang out in my tiny, box of an apartment.

I hate Scott on a level between the two.

It’s not all for naught though, stay tuned for when I'll relate more bunny eggs-amples of my holiday puns. (I figure if I prepare my puns in advance it will go over better.)

My well-crafted Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Passover Pinkas joke promises to bring the house down at Passover '10 (which, correct me if I'm wrong is the Hebrew holiday celebrating that time when Yahweh turned the Dead Sea into salty brine and then pickled Moses.)

Lastly, Go Duke.

Imaginary RyanandBrent Readers Unite!

2010-03-10T14:41:00.003-05:00

Dear Imaginary Readers:

I realize I haven't been the best blogger of late, it's not that I don't care about you, or that I've lost my passion for writing, or even that I've been busy. My disappearance from the interweb stems from something much more serious...a broken heart.

Perhaps you remember a blog I wrote back on June 19th titled "dear imaginary readers" in which I asked our readers to take me to the zoo (a very reasonable request given the circumstances). Well none of you stepped up, and it hurt...

Sure, I eventually went a few weeks later anyways, and though it was awesome it just wasn't quite what I had envisioned. I pictured our loyal readers coming to pick me up in a limo, and being pushed around in a wagon while being fed grapes and sunflower seeds. And I certainly envisioned there being penguins...seriously, how am I supposed to have fun at the zoo without penguins???

The hurt got even worse a few months later after sharing my epic checkers win with all of you and not one of you congratulated me in the comments section! Do you even realize how big of a comeback that was? Do you??? And I don't even want to talk about how embarrassed I was after realizing the NCA (national checkers association) was in fact a figment of my imagination and not a real thing.

Things spiraled downhill pretty quickly after that, I spent a lot of time in my room crying. I even started to doubt whether you imaginary readers were real...

But I'm ready to put the past behind us, because we must unite. There is trouble on the horizon for RyanandBrent. The website that you imaginary readers rely on for your monthly entertainment may be in Jeapordy. I can't discuss details right now, all I can say is that you can blame Scott Rusell, not the CBC announcer the other one (I assume there are only two)

may god have mercy on us all....

My Olympic Experience

2010-02-25T23:33:00.004-05:00

Just got back from Vancouver.

I wanted to stay for the Gold Medal Hockey Game, but Canada is going to lose to Slovakia. Plus, they said they didn't have any tickets left. I asked if they had any tickets for Canadian heroes who may be in wheelchairs. They said they'd check.

Then they said no.

Sorry for not getting back to any of you sooner, I probably should have checked my e-mail while I was out West. I had like 120 messages waiting for me when I get back.

To kill multiple birds with one stone, yes that was me carrying the Olympic torch. Yes, I was at the Opening Ceremonies. Yes, I was in a wheelchair. No, I am not disabled.

But to be fair, they didn't ask me that. All I said was that I was in a wheelchair, which was true. I was IN a wheelchair.

I thought about getting up and doing a dance after my leg of the Torch relay was done and proclaiming that the spirit of the Olympics and all Canadians had healed me.

But then I thought that that would be disrespectful to all of our special Paralympic athletes and the handicapped community as a whole. Plus, I was strapped in there pretty good, so I just wheeled my way across the finish.

I won an essay writing contest to get to carry the torch. I wrote two essays, one with me in a wheelchair, and one with me as regular me. Guess which one won?

One Spoke At a Time : A Rope of Sand
by: Brent "Wheels" Wilson

My name is Brent Wilson. I am currently in a wheelchair. My whole life, my one sole dream has been to carry the Olympic torch and to get lots of attention. It's technically two sole dreams.

When my doctor told me "Brent, you may never walk again. You may technically be situated in a wheelchair in 2010 during the torch relay. You should quit on life and give up both your two sole dreams."
(Conversation may or may not have occurred in actuality.)

Well...that lit a fire inside me. That fire burns with the passion of a single torch. A single torch attached to a pole. A pole connected to my wheelchair since I would need both hands to wheel the chair. Wait, would I? Is pushing a wheelchair hard? Can I request that my relay leg is slightly downhill?

In summation, I'll show you Dr. Guy. I'll never give up and/or stop pushing for my DREAMS! CANADA! DETERMINATION! TECHNICALLY IN A WHEELCHAIR!

Heroically yours,

Wheels.

Here was my rejected submission.

Dear Olympic people,

I think I'm losing my hair. I could really use a pick-me-up.

Your pal,

Brent

Top Ten Decade Names of The Decade

2010-01-01T14:39:00.008-05:00

Oh when you're born in December
It's hard to remember
Well the 90s have ended
So what do you call this decade?

Of course those are the lyrics to the hit song "Children of December" by the defining band of the last ten years: The Slip.

And that's my Top Most Defining One Band of The Decade list taken care of. My thanks to Google and its prompt response to my query "decade lyrics 90s".

Hopefully Ryanandbrent will now get pushed up the Google search rankings for that as well.

Decade lyrics 90s will be the next decades Level 34 Gemcraft (Winner of the Ryanandbrent "Most Ryanandbrentiest Google Search of the Decade.")

The Slip do raise an excellent question in that song though...what will we call that decade?
A list is the only way to truly know the answer.

10) The Two Thousands: C'mon, that could apply to the entire millenium. Way to pick a decade name Kyle.

9) The Naughties: Is there an N? I don't feel like that's right....maybe I can pretend it's social commentary about how we hurt the environment this decade. Oh, how Naughty we have truly been.

8) The 'Aughties: I checked, there's no N.

7) Time is an Arbitrary, Man-made Distinction, the universe has no beginning, no middle, and no end. Placing a name to the unnameable won't fill the empty angst that overflows your being. Just embrace the nothingness, become enveloped by the void. Oooh, the Sugar Bowl is on.

6) The Double Zeros: Straight, to the point, accurate, but boring.

5) The Decade doesn't end until after 2010, do we have to go through this every milestone? There was no Year Zero, thus this ten year period doesn't end until Dec. 31, 2010. All your lists have been premature. Another thing, 25 years after you get married isn't your 25th Anniversary, your wedding day wasn't your first anniversary was it? C'mon Kyle, jeez.

4) The Twenty Oh's: I like saying Oh. It's usually followed by an exclamation point, but I like going without. I use it as my meditation word, like Ohm but even more concise. That cuts my meditation time down by a third. Time saving tip of the Decade!

3) The Two Zero Zeros: I'm struggling to stretch this to ten items.

2) The Seventies: Remember the Nineteen Eighties? Weren't they great? Well since the Mayan calendar ends at 2012, we'll never get another one. Does that seem fair? Of course not, so if we just call this last year 2079 we skip right over 2012 and get to have another Eighties starting today. I've got my legwarmers on already.

1) The Ryanandbrent Decade: Yea, verily it has come to pass, the Holy Trinity of Ryan, Brent and their Holy Spirit, Mortimer the Ghost from the WBIPOD post were born to a virgin blogspot URL this decade.

Many wisemen from Germany brought unto them gifts of crafted Gems worth a bajillion points each, to throw lightning at assorted monsterguys. So it was spoken, and so it has come to pass.

▼ December (1)

2009-12-12T18:40:00.007-05:00

A wise man once said "the pen is mightier than the sword." That man? Jesus Christ (Leviticus 7:19), who said that moments before writing the Bible...and about a year before he was ironically stabbed to death in an alleyway. Obviously it would be blasphemous not to follow my one true Lord and Saviors advice....TIMES TWO!

Times One: Jesus Had A Beard. My bracelet compels me to do whatever Jesus did, so ipso facto I should have a beard.

Times Two: Pen/Sword Thing again, Jesus is telling me that rather than punching my girlfriends kidneys to make her see that beards are great, I should just write down that I will punch her if she doesn't let me get my way.

I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS IF I CAN'T GROW A BEARD. IT WON'T LEAVE ANY BRUISES AT ALL. IF ANYONE ASKS A SHEEP BUTTED YOU IN THE KIDNEYS. MY PUNCHES ARE AT PERFECT SHEEP'S HEAD LEVEL HEIGHT. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Done and done, pen is mightier.

Alternately, I could use the written word to craft a flawless argument to convince her that beards are the way to go. It's not what Jesus intended, but it's worth a shot.

The key to tricking people is to keep in mind that people like some things, but that they do not like other things. To get them to like things they do not like, all you have to do is fool them into thinking something they like is very similar to something they do not like.

Did you know that I once hated Fruit by the Foot but loved Bubble Tape? That was until Ryan told me that despite their superficial differences, they actually have a very subtle similarity. Both will stick in Brad Hansons' hair if you cover them with glue. Now I LOVE Fruit by the Foot!

So Girlfriend, I know that you think beards are gross, I know you also think you like your pet cat. Say, did you ever notice that beards and pet cats are very similar to one another?

They're both hardly noticeable and demand little attention at first. Then they get itchy. As they grow older they get pretty patchy, and the moustache part won't really fill in so you need to use that eyebrow pencil thing. At that point they're still pretty itchy and will irritate anything that rubs against it. Finally, before they reach their full potential you have to get rid of them to go to work. You chop them into tiny pieces with five blades and wash their remains down the sink.

As a last resort, you should also remember that the name of something has a big influence on how you think of it.

Hey, do you want a tiny plate of corn chips with a few pieces of grated cheese and a cup of red sauce? Of course not! But do you want Mucho Con Nachos? I'm halfway to the Borders just thinking about it. (The Mexican Restaurant is in the Mall next to Borders.)

Good bye "gross beard." Hello "Un Hombre Con MUCHO Barbo."

Still not convinced? Oh, you are? Well, that was easier than I thought.

RyanandBrent Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

2009-11-27T12:40:00.007-05:00

Upsets...

In Baseball, the Red Sox did what no team in history had done before, and came back from a 3-0 defecit to beat the Yankees in the ALCS. In College Football, Appalachian State defeated Michigan in what some called "the biggest upset in American sports" and in Ice Hockey, the USA upset the USSR in what is now referred to as "The Miracle on Ice".

Checkers had never had an upset story of it's own, its always played second fiddle to slightly more popular sports such as Chess, Backgammon, and Ice Hockey...that is until Tuesday November 24th. A day which will forever be remembered in Checkers history as the day the "Miracle on the Checkerboard" took place.

The game started out as a back and forth affair...that is until my opponent executed a clever "double jump" to obtain the games first "king". She soon executed another double jump, and things began to look bleak for me. I had thoughts of giving up, I was prepared to throw the rest of the game just to get it over with. But that's when I came to my senses. I thought about my favourite Checkers player Leon H. Goans, and my dreams of one day playing in the NCA (National Checkers Association). I thought about my favourite team, the Seattle TripleJumpers, and the comeback they had vs. the Sacramento Kings in game 3 of the Checkers Cup. I thought about the fact I was playing a girl, and how embarrassing it would be to lose. And as these thoughts raced through my head, I felt that competitive fire burning in my heart once again. I couldn't just give up, I was going to give this game everything I had...

At this point in time she had 5 kings compared to my 1 king and 1 single. I knew the only chance I had was to get that single to become a King, and with that I raced that single across the board one space at a time faster than a lightning bolt until he became a king. it was now 5-2 in her favour, a defecit that no checker player had ever overcome. My next step was to run, and wait for an opening to attack, and soon enough after getting frustrated at my constant hiding she made a mistake leading to a double jump by me. The defecit was down to 3-2, and I now had momentum on my side. We soon after exchanged blows making it 2-1.

Now usually 2-1 is an insurmountable lead in checkers. But she was rattled...I could see it her in moves, she was no longer playing to win, she was playing not to lose. And soon after making it even...I trapped her in the corner capping off "the miracle on the checkerboard"

and now all I all have to do is wait for next June's Checker draft where I can only assume I will be a top pick. Looks like things are finally falling into place...

And In Other News:

Ryan moves into 1st Place in Fantasy Basketball Pool!!!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served in Equal, Constant, Tiny Doses

2009-11-01T09:59:00.003-05:00

I'm going to get you for this, and when you least expect it.

I wouldn't expect it right now, not like right after you just said that.

Really? Or are you just saying that because you do expect it, but want me to think that you don't.

Well....if you can't tell that now how are you going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment of my least expectations in the future? I assumed when you made that threat that you had some sort of expectation gauge.

I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I guess I was going to go home, plan my revenge, then use random.com, the number one random number generating website to randomly pick a number between one and thirty. Then I would get you on that day next month. Probably at night time, because I think sleepy people have lower expectations of someone hiding under their bed and then grabbing their leg and yelling "Boo" than an awake person would.

Now I'm just going to have equal expectations of you doing that every night next month to cover my bases.

Hmm, in that case then I can either scare you once, or I could split that scare into thirty equal mini-scares every day. If your expectations are equal the whole month it works out the same for me. Would you not expect that?

Actually now after all this talk the thing that I would expect the least is if you just gave up your plans and hung out in your apartment instead.

You can come over and we can play Smash Brothers if you want.

Sure.

Alright, but I'm going to Final Smash you when you least expect it! Would you expect it less if I was Kirby or Ness? Ooh or King Deedee?

Zero Suit Samus.

Wait, nevermind. I'm outta here.

See ya later buddy!

Deck The Deck With Decks A'Plenty

2009-10-22T23:03:00.001-04:00

Hey there neighbour...ooh that's a beaut of a new deck you just put in there. I was wondering what was going on back here, is it normal to have your deck constructed under a big black tarp?

Hi Cranston, this marvel of modern decknology was put together by the top scientists in the field, I was on a waiting list for months before their crew had an opening. This is a brand new DeckPro Deckamyid model. It was crafted out of gems. It's a Gemcraft. You think I'm just going to walk every Cran, Ston, and Nancy through exactly how it's made? Why would I give any of you a Gemcraft Walkthrough?

Well alright then...but I guess you'll have to have Nance and me over for a grand opening barbecue to celebrate your new Deckamire.

Right, so that you can sneak away to the Northwest quadrant, lift up the false bottom and steal the blueprints? It would look ridiculous if we both had DeckPro Deckamyids' side by side. Remember how I put up a basketball net and then you put up a basketball net? We look like the Hard Lime Gold Trotskers. Ridiculous!!!!

Well geez, why don't you just hire some armed guards then for your deck? And then instead of your neighbors you can have the armed guards over for a barbeque. But then they'll be terrible party guests because they're so used to talking on Walkie-Talkies that they'll end every sentence with Over and it'll be really annoying.

Don't be silly, all my armed guards are deaf since deaf people have better eye sight. The better to spot intruders with. Plus they're as silent as a hedge. And then I dress them up like hedges. I always put them on my wifes' team when we play Taboo so I always win.

Oh, and I'm sure you'll put up a big barbed wire fence that will block our view of the beautiful Ray Twinney Sports and Recreation Complex.

I think that'd be too much work, the guard dogs Frisbees would always end up flying over it and we'd have to walk all the way around to retrieve them. But I'll keep it in mind. Now if you don't mind I'm going to deck the deckmas tree with deck o'lanterns. Have a deck deck!

Exeunt

YOUR COMPREHENSIVE NUIT BLANCHE 2009 COVERAGE

2009-10-04T15:09:00.008-04:00

At Nuit Blanche we stopped to see what was going on at the church across the street from the ROM.

There was an art installation there that was a striking metaphor. So striking I forgot to get Pinka to take any pictures of it.....and a Google image search for "nuit blanche art thing" hasn't worked out that well.

On the pulpit there was a tree covered in kites. Each of the kites' strings were entangled with branches and trapped, never to soar again. On the floor, connected to the strings were a number of postcards, each of which had peoples hopes and wishes for the future on them.

We all have wishes for events we want to happen, or things we want to have. But when we throw these wishes into the air like kites they just get tangled in the tree of life. This tangling obscures what life should really be all about.

I'm not sure what that is, I didn't finish reading the displays explanation. I think it has something to do with 1080 Snowboarding for the Nintendo 64. You'll never beat that Gold Snowboard Guy if you just wish about it. You actually have to get out there, on that virtual snowboard and go faster than him and/or do lots of tricks on your virtual snowboard. I suggest using Kensuke Kimachi.

Not wanting to be left out I wrote a wish to be attached to a kite.

"I wish that when I die, instead of being dead forever that there was a way to not be dead. And instead I would live forever.

Oh well....."

And that was about it for Nuit Blanche. Although I also found out I can dance the Charleston better than I can dance any other dance. Which is to say slightly below averagely.

I Went on a Trip, yeah.

2009-08-24T22:10:00.004-04:00

I Went on a Trip, yes.

They say variety is the spice of life. That means that doing different things than normal is akin to adding a tasty spice to a bland dish. Like normally when I cook (go to Subway Sandwichers Shop) I ask for hot sauce on my chicken sandwich. But yesterday I asked for EXTRA hot sauce.

Taking a trip is supposed to be like adding extra hot sauce to the sandwich that is life, because you will see things on this trip that you won't normally see in Newmarket....like beautiful women!!!! Zing, take that Kyle.

I'm afraid to say that San Francisco failed me. They should call it Bland Blandcisco, because then it fits into my metaphor about spices nicely.

Hey look at me, I'm a bridge! I've never seen a bridge before! Oh wait, nice try bridge, we all know you're just a rip-off of the bridge at Fairy Lake in Newmarket that goes over that part of the lake that is narrow enough to traverse by bridge. Or that other bridge that overlooks the waterfall by Fairy Lake, or that wooden boardwalk at Fairy Lake that goes over water so is technically a bridge.

Not to mention the fact that there is nothing at the other side of that bridge, you just have to turn around and go back.....and I really had to go to the bathroom and you aren't allowed to pee off the side. Well at Fairy Lake you are! And the bridge leads to that playground with a spider web climby thing.

Oh my god a paved street? Take that Newmarket! Oh wait, Lombard Street? More like wanna-be Crossland Gate Boulevard. This street leads from the top of that hill to the bottom of that hill whereas Crossland Gate leads from Emma's old house, all the way to my old house, all the way to Big Graham's old house, past Phil's old house, right by Ryan's current house, passes by Reid's old house and then it just keeps on going. Does it ever end? I don't want to know.

Not to mention how impractical this curvy flower street is, pfft look how long it takes to drive down it. Crossland Gates curves are like a good wine, dependable, not too harsh, and a third attribute that would not seem to make for a good wine quality which makes it a hilarious joke, let's go with "paved with asphalt", hahahaha.

San Francisco wasn't a total bust though, I did get to do something Ryan never got to do in his life ever, something you can't do in Newmarket, or Toronto, or even Stingray Bay featuring Sharks at the Toronto Zoo. I touched a SHARK (pause for the photographic proof)

Read it and weep boy.

Dear Imaginary Readers:

2009-06-19T21:19:00.006-04:00

Look, Brent and I have provided you with endless hours of entertainment over the past year and have asked for nothing in return...well that's gonna change, due to the change in the economic climate and the fact that I don't have any real friends I'm not blogging anymore until somebody takes me to the zoo...usually I avoid the outdoors due to fear of bee`s and sharp sticks but I`ll make an exception for this.

we'll have oh so much fun...we can see the monkeys and giraffe's and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They don't live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies...

I`ll bring a blanket and we can sit in the shade and we can whisper secrets in each others ears...I have lots of secrets...mostly fantasies revolving around Micheal Landons character in the show `little house on the prairie`` I bet he knew the name of those dog-like animals that live on the prairies

Do you ever wonder if the animals at the zoo are actually just actors dressed up in animal costumes? yeah me neither. Though if I had a pet giraffe i would make him a giraffe costume and then I would take him out and say "hey everyone, look at my giraffe" and they would say "that's not a real giraffe, i can see the zipper" and then they would be shocked when they found out it was a real giraffe all along...If I did this often enough than eventually people wouldn't question me about it and would just assume it's a real giraffe. Then I could put my friends in the giraffe suit and sneak them into the movies for free (giraffe's don't have to pay to see movies)

so just lemme know in the comments section the date and time you want to pick me up...

Help Us Mookie

2009-06-04T19:55:00.002-04:00

Killer Whales are misnamed.

It's not really fair if you think about it.

When you hear the name "Killer Whale" it makes you think of a remorseless killing machine whale.

The type of giant whale that enjoys cracking sea turtles shells open. Or laughs while dragging bottlenose dolphins deep underwater until they drown. Or a pod of whales playing DDR right after tipping over ice floes to force baby seals into their mouths.

Of course that's not even close to reality.

Orcas are actually dolphins not whales. Please refer to them as Giant Killer Dolphins from now on. Also, they would be awful at DDR, they are far too large to work the pad thing. Everything else was true.

Lesser Known Curses

2009-05-15T22:44:00.007-04:00

Oh sure, everyone loves talking about those famous curses.

Like the Kennedy Curse, or like that Egyptian one about that vampire guy, or that popular sporting magazine one. You know, that one where people and/or horses appear on the glossy front page of the magazine....and then directly following appearing on the magazine frontside they perform poorly in their sporting events and/or break their hooves and die. (RIP Barbaro)

Or that famous sporting video game curse wherein the player will appear on the front of the instruction manual and then subsequently will distract me from reading said manual which causes me to lose many games online.

Seriously, as soon as someone tells me the button that shows me how to "not punt on every play" it's a whole new ballgame. You better watch out Slick Richard Dollar Sign Dollar Sign Sixty Nine Ampersand Dollar Sign.

Or the curse of getting easily sidetracked, but today's focus is on Curses that are equally as bone-threatening as those mentioned, but much less publicized.

Firstly, the curse of Kyle and talking to girls!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It is good to laugh.

Second the more bone-thrilling magazine front curse: THE CURSE OF THE DINOSAUR TIMES

How can losing a sporting event compare to BEING DEAD. After poring through the archives of all of the covers of The Dinosaur Times and cross-referencing them with the current whereabouts of the subjects I came to the following bone-thrashing conclusion: every living thing that ever appeared on the cover of the Dinosaur Times is now tragically dead!

That's right even noted paleontologist Baron Georges Léopold Chrétien Frédéric Dagobert Cuvier (1769-1832) who died in bed at age 62 of cholera. Is nothing sacred to you Dinosaur Times Curse?

Next months cover subject may break the curse though, "New Species of Hadrosaurid Found In Alberta". That sounds hopeful.

And lastly is the Curse of the Tiny Subway Seats.

TTC, what the hell. We can put a man on the moon but we can't make subway seats large enough that comfortably seat a creepy sweaty guy and a cringing, sucked together as tiny horizontally as he can guy?

I used to love casual Friday but now I know all it means is that my short sleeve baremanarms are going to get abused by the dude next to me. The dude who also won't stop licking his lips.

Hey, Watermelon Lipsmackers if I slide myself on over that isn't an invitation for you to spill over the seat line and continue to touch me and take up even more space. It means stop touching me guy.

And do you kids really have to listen to the music in your headphones so loudly?

Or wear your hair so long? That's ridiculous, it's getting in your eyes, you probably can't even see half the time. You're probably wearing it that long to hide those drug eyes you've got going on. I know you didn't think I noticed, but notice I did. You've got the pot squints, the old H-town shuffle going on, and I swear to God if a cop steps onto this subway I am turning you in Buster and there isn't going to be any earbuds in Juvy, you'll be lucky to get Air Buds 1-4 (Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch). Or that Crime Dog pilot that Fred McGriff did that Scott was telling me about, that sounded awful. Wait, I'm getting sidetracked again, what was I talking about?

Curses.

When's It Gonna Stop Chicago?

2009-04-22T13:41:00.014-04:00

The racism towards Native Americans that is...

Now don't get me wrong, I think Chicago's a great city, but enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of sports teams using logo's that are offensive to native americans. Now obviously there are several cities using sports teams with logo's and names depicting native americans, you have the Indians (Cleveland) and the Redskins (Washington). But none of these cities come even close to Chicago.

Let's start with the hockey team, the BlackHawks...

awful isn't it? A decapitated native american head...Back in the day if a native americans head was displayed in a store front it meant it was a place where you could receive money for the scalps of native americans that you had killed. A painful reminder of a horrible time in history, fortunately it's hockey, so I'm not sure anyone has really noticed.

Now let's move onto baseball and more specifically the Chicago White Sox...let's take a look at their logo shall we?

hmm...nothing wrong there right? Just the word SOX written diagonally. Look a bit closer...Do you see it?... Disgusting isn't it? For those of you who haven't noticed let me add a few things so you can see it a bit more clearly.

Do you see it now??? That's right! A one armed skunk wearing a sideways hat setting fire to a tepee! A graphic and chilling reminder that anti-native american sentiments remain strong to this day. Did you know that the number of skunk related tepee fires have stayed the same since this logo came into use? This despite the number of tepee fires decreasing by almost 48% over the same time period. How many tepees must go down in flames before White Sox management smartens up and changes their logo to something more appropriate?

Finally we have the Chicago Bulls of the NBA, one of the most storied franchises in all of basketball, and unfortunately one of the most racist as well. Once again let's take a look at their logo..

"But Ryan, this is just a logo of an angry looking bull, surely there's nothing wrong with it" Oh yeah? Try looking at it from a different angle...specifically upside down!

.
A Robot on an oddly shaped park bench burning a copy of the Indian Appropriation Act with its laser vision!!!!

racism towards native americans, when's it gonna stop Chicago???

RYANANDBRENT UPDATE: RYANANDBRENT NOW INTERNETS MOST PROMINENT RYANANDBRENT

2009-04-06T21:32:00.004-04:00

Google it and weep Evansville, Illinois Ryan and Brent, Hellafied Funk Crew Ryan and Brent, Panic at the Disco! Ryan and Brent, and our most hated Ryan and Brent rivals myspace.com/ryanandbrent. You two look ridiculous.

Back on December 5th I complained that we here at Ryanandbrent (Me and Ryan) were only the third most prominent Ryan and Brent on the Internet....which was needless to say an outrage.

How did we make this improbable rise to glory? Through making lots of posts featuring the words Ryanandbrent? Was it because of those stickers I made that say "Google Ryan and Brent and then click on Ryanandbrent.blogspot.com and then read and comment on said blog please, your pals, Ryanandbrent" (I used a small font) that I stuck all over the Royal York Subway Station? Is it because we're just that awesome?

Yes, yes, and yes.

But obviously I would be remiss not to mention the biggest factor, lying to Germans about Gemcraft. Don't worry pals there's plenty more lies to come. I've recently figured out that you can drop your purple stuff onto monster stuff like a bomb, very shortly I will know enough about Gemcraft to actually write a Complete Gemcraft Level 34 Walkthrough.

So what's next for Ryanandbrent? The Senate? Ryan writing something? Stopping the reliance on the crutch that three things is the optimal number of things to list when writing?

Yes, probably not, and never.

Until then....

Guten Tag, ich gebe zu ich war am Anfang entzückt.

It's TRUE

2009-04-02T16:16:00.005-04:00

Re: Incredible True Tales, Totally True This Time
From: Aunt Trudy (2cool2Bauntie@hotmail.com)
To:BMFGMAIL-EVERYONE-CA-NIECESANDNEPHEWS-MAILING-LIST

TRUE STORY ALERT

Dear assorted nieces and nephews, I know the following to be a true story. I got the gist of it from Readers Digest and the rest from the INTERNEST, you should let its inspirational plot be an inspiration and completely applicable to your day to day lives, and more importantly absolute proof of our faith. As a further show of dedication you should forward this message to everyone in your e-mail list book or else face spooky bad luck. SPOOOKKYYYY.

In May of 2007, Steve Trachsel went for a hike in New Mexico's famous Carlsbad Caverns, he had such a wondrous hike marveling in God's creation that he lost track of time and his location. Before he knew it he was lost deep in the dark caves. The only thing Steve had to guide him was the light of faith shining from deep in his heart, and also a kerosene lantern.

Steve didn't panic as he knew that God had a plan for him, like he does for all of us, and that he would make it through alright. As he was calmly strolling in his search for the exit Trachsel froze on the spot.

*RATTLESNAKE TAILS NOISE X2*

He struggled to hold his lantern steady as it swung from side to side the lantern sprayed the light all over the place. It's oscillating beams did not let Steve get a good look at exactly where the sound he heard was coming from. What on Earth could that noise be?

*MORE RATTLESNAKE TAIL NOISE AND POSSIBLY SOME HISSING*

Trachsel was finally able to steady himself and point the lantern at the source of the mysterious noise. IT WAS A RATTLESNAKE!!!! The rattlesnake was leering at him from inside a strangely shaped white rock. As Traschel slowly backed away from the snake he realized that the snake wasn't in a skull shaped white rock at all. The RATTLESNAKE WAS IN A HUMAN SKULL.....AND THE HUMAN SKULL WAS CONNECTED VIA SPINAL COLUMN TO A HUMAN SKELETON SEATED ON THE CAVE FLOOR.

Steve was overtaken by fear, he was scared to turn and run worried he would become hopelessly lost if he did so. As Traschel began to feel that all his faith was gone he noticed that the skeleton was cradling something in its arms. IT WAS A HOLY BIBLE: KING JAMES EDITION.

Trachsel edged forward, the snake rattled again but appeared to calm as Steve reached down and grasped the Bible in his hands. Just as Steve lifted the Bible up high the snake lunged forward to stick its teeth into Steve. Not only would this bite really really sting, the rattlesnake would then inject hemotoxic venom through its hollow teeth that causes internal organs to be eaten away from the inside out. REMEMBER God has made all of his creations in his own image.....air-go God is terrifying.

Now it may have been Steve's Supraspinatus muscle, or it may have been divine intervention, but regardless Steve lifted the Bible faster than anyone has ever "lifted a Bible in front of a rattlesnake in the Carlsbad Caverns" the Holy Tome rose right into the path of the Snakes hemotoxins. The Snakes teeth penetrated right through the front cover of the Bible and came to rest on the 14 page right on Genesis 3:15. Steve was spared from the serpents grasp thanks to staying calm, having faith, and lifting the Bible very quickly so the snake didn't bite him.

Huh? How about that symbolism? Of course we all that that Bible verse the snakes teeth came to rest on was about how God cursed the Serpent for doing some pretty lame stuff. That's pretty deep and miraculous isn't it? Well, I certainly am satisfied about the existence of God and the safety of my soul for all eternity after hearing that TRUE TRUTH.

Oh, and much like the prior lost hiker Steve quickly succumbed to dehydration deep in the tunnels.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING
HOLD ON TO THAT BELIEVING FEELING

Aunt Trudy

Local Blog Writer Has Headline Submissions Rejected by Fake News Comedy Site For "Not Being Funny", Shows List to Imaginary Readers Instead

2009-02-08T01:24:00.017-05:00

I hope you don't mind competition "Unnamed Stupid Website" because these zingers will certainly steal your entire readership and bankrupt your company and then you'll have to write applications to write for me. And then I'll be the bigger man and hire all of you and be nice.....for about a week just to get to know your darkest fears to use them against you, and also to get to know your significant others and sleep with them on your respective Anniversaries. Here's step one of that plan, unveil awesome headlines to world.

Leopard Changes Spots, Still Huge Jerk

Scientists Claim Global Warming To End Weather, Every Old Person In World Left With Nothing To Talk About

Stereotypical Asian Health Action Figure Company With Poor English Translation Skills Puzzled By Low Third Quarter Sales. Hope "A Doll Fit Lir! N" To Have Strong Hanukkah Season.

The Onion Lame, Brent's Headlines Totally Funny and Concise Claims Entire Worlds Population.

Guy Everyone Hates Ironically Murdered In Hate Crime

President of Kamchatka Shocked To Learn "Risk" Game Board Not Accurate World Map, Calls Purple Horses and Cannons Back From Irkutsk's Border

Local Man With Chris Hansen Fetish Disappointed To Find That 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo He Met Online Is Actually 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo

Onions Make People Cry Due to Sulfuric Acid, Or Mean Rejection Letters, Not Due To Laughter Like Brent Makes Us

Nigerian Prince Confused As Electronic Philanthropic Efforts Are Miserable Failure

Coyote Preys On Roadrunner in Front of California Primary School, Destroys Childhood Innocence.

Writing Every Word To Start With A Capital Letter Makes My Head Hurt, Maybe I Actually Wasn't Cut Out For This And Getting Shut Down Was A Blessing In Disguise

Local Blog Writer Quickly Rationalizes Rejection In An Attempt To Keep Soul From Getting Trampled At Losing Life Long Dream

Ask Brent! A Ryanandbrent German Gemcraft Related Mailbag

2009-01-31T19:26:00.008-05:00

Threatening to kill my fish didn't do it. Appealing to your Kyle(and friends of Kyle) murdering sensibilities didn't do it either. But by god I'll find a way to get all of you Gemcraft-loving Germans to give back to this blog that has given you so much. I thought you guys loved killing living beings, but I guess this is the first time stereotypes have ever proven to be false.

GERMAN STEREOTYPE 2: They love recognition. It's a fact. To take advantage of this proven fact, and ironically to continue my pathetic pandering for comments (maybe I'm part German) I've decided to respond to every comment we get from Germany with a post in mailbag format.

That's right Fritz, after you go to google.de, search for Gemcraft tips and find this award nominated blogs (We're up for best new blog in the 2009 Bloggies!) all you need to do is comment and I will answer your burning questions.

Ever wanted to know why I was unjustly banned from the Ray Twinney Complex? Or if I think a tornado could really pluck all the feathers off of a chicken? Well then just ask German word for friend, and get all the attention and warmth your murderous sprees and detached father couldn't provide.

As fate would have it our good German friend Martin Vee left me the following mailbag question on January 7th on the post "So...I'm Pretty Good at Gemcraft."

Dear Brent, (added by editor)

Martin Vee said...

... but I'm not impressed. You're using Internet Explorer. :)

Seriously, you're good! I'm almost done with the game, but I haven't reached level 40... then again, I don't have as much glowing frames as you do.

Hmm... Should try to get 'em all.

January 7, 2009 8:15 AM

Your fan, Martin Vee (added by editor)

Great question Martin! One we get all the time. Ryan and I first met in 1990 when I moved two doors down from his house, and we were forced to become friends because we were the same age. Thanks for writing, hope everything is going well in Frankfurt.

Your idol, Brent.

2009-01-28T18:03:00.004-05:00

Tweens Freak Out Over American Idol Results | Viral | SPIKE.com

I'll be honest with you...I made fun of these girls at first. But then I started thinking...this is exactly my reaction if the Blue Jays were in the World Series, Game 7, Bottom of the 9th, up by 1, and B.J. Ryan were to give up a game winning home run.

Just replace these 12 year old girls wearing David Archuletta shirts, with grown men, decked out in Blue Jays apparel (and possibly sporting playoff beards) and you pretty much have the idea...The only difference being that after we were done crying and my mom had tried to console us, we would most likely have gone on a rampage involving heavy drinking, breaking things, and a poorly thought out plot to murder B.J. Ryan, which likely would end up with us in Jail.

After closer inspection of this video, I'm not sure all of these girls share the genuine devastation felt by the girl in the middle. I'm talking about you girl on the far right with the generic "american idol" shirt, and overweight girl in the back who was probably only invited because her mom is friends with the other girls moms.

Look...girl on the right pretends to be shocked at first, but soon after is actually smiling, I think we have a closet David Cook fan on our hands (don't worry girl on the right, I am too, he's so dark and dreamy) And as for overweight girl...her loud screams are clearly only a failed attempt at trying to fit in with these girls. perhaps a more effective method would be to stop eating so much...maybe go the gym every now and then.

Problem Solving

2009-01-24T13:42:00.004-05:00

Dammit Brent! i wanted the first post of 2009...You can only imagine my disappointment after logging on last night to write my "first blog of 2009" entry, only to find your post about kyle standing closer to fires. And while I do agree with your stance, I have to pretend to be nice to kyle for the next 8 days because he invited me to the raps game next Sunday.

Fortunately A new problem arose yesterday that was blog worthy...

Ever since we moved into our little downtown apartment, we've had a host of minor problems...radiators not working, radiators working too well, no hot water, clogged drains, etc... and we always just assumed it was because it was an old building...until yesterday.

yesterday my lovely roomate was diagnosed with shingles, (a disease that as far as I knew, was only for old people) how could this happen? It was then i realized the only explanation for all these problems was that we had a ghost. A radiator breaking, hot water hogging, shingles giving ghost.

At the same time I was becoming increasingly concerned with global warming...which is when I thought to myself "what if there was a way to solve both these problems?" And at that very moment the idea struck me...Ghost Power!!!

unlike many forms of energy currently in use, ghost power is a 100% clean source of energy. In addition to this it is completely renewable and powerful. did you know that one medium sized ghost can provide enough energy to power a small city for 17 days?

As an added bonus, houses that were previously unsellable due to haunting concerns now skyrocket in value, ending the real estate crisis in the states, and thus ending the depression.

And there you have it...global warming, the depression, and my apartment concerns all solved with one solution.

Several Reasons Why Kyle Should Stand Nearer to Fires

2009-01-23T23:14:00.009-05:00

1) Ooh that's nice and toasty isn't it? Especially on such a blustery winter's eve, am I right Kyle?

2) Yeah, I actually got it started right before you got here that's why it's so nice. Everyone knows the best part of a fire is the second fifth, after the newspaper is burnt but before perfect Kyle-singeing.....I mean marshmallow roasting time.

3) How did I learn to start such great fires? Oh, I don't know, a little something called Survivorman. Did you know that all you need to start a blaze is some hard work, a little know how, several matches, newspaper, wood, gasoline, a fire pit, and a barbeque lighter after neither matches nor a regular lighter work?

4) Oh no! I dropped my very special locket that my Grandmother from Croatslavia gave to me on....ummm....my deathbed. Kyle, won't you be a dear and turn your back to me, bend over and pick it up? It fell right past that switch that activates the trap-slide into the fire.

5) What? Oh, silly me! You're right that is a Tamagotchi not the locket that Gramma-got-me!!!! Do you get it? Haha! Also that response was completely spontaneous and not a planned out joke in case you figured out my planned out ruse of dropping a Japanese electronic pet within pushing distance of the fire.

6) Hmm, this fake-locket Tamagotchi has a really long strap attached to it...that's weird. Look at how it swings back and forth in time with my voice. Follow it with your eyes Kyle, trace its path back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And each time it goes your eyes get heavier and heavier. Heavier and back and forth and heavier and back and forth. When I stop talking you will love walking into fire and then not moving. Not walking into fire and not moving will cause you severe stabbing pain. And there are several nostalgic moments from your childhood in the fire as well, and ummm...you have very tactile memories or something that are good for touching...dammit I'm losing it....pull it together Brent.....what did the rest of that "Impress Your Friends with Hypnosis and Then Murder Them While They're Blinded With Being Impressed" pamphlet say? Great he's waking up. What Kyle? Oh yes, dramatic yawn, I am sleepy now as well. Let's get ready for bed I've brought copious amounts of covers this time.

7) Well, I'm ready to get into my jams what about you Kyle? Get those paint-encrusted pants off and let me slide on these PJs I got you. They are a little wet though, I accidentally drug them through nail polish remover multiple times. Come on Kyle, off with those pants.

8) Kyle, wait, come back....I'm not trying to seduce you, I swear! I'm trying to set you on fire for that time we slept together in Guelph and you were a covers-hog! As the Torah says an eye for an eye

FIN

(EDITOR'S NOTE: After reading this over I saw that my pushing Kyle into a fire and laughing as he burned could be interpreted as being an approving nod to the furnaces in Concentration Camps since Kyle is Jewish and I am a renowned member of the National Socialist German Workers Party. This is not the case. This pre-meditated murder is directed as hate speech against Kyle and Kyle alone, he is so scrawny he wouldn't even burn that nicely. This is also very clearly fiction as if I really wanted to burn Kyle I wouldn't need to fool him. I would just overpower him with my relative manstrength. In addition, only very recently did I discover that the National Socialist German Workers Party had an anti-semitic platform, I only joined because I hate homosexuals, Jesse Owens, and the Treaty of Versailles. Until next time "Hail Victory.")

Complete Level 34 Gemcraft Walkthrough (Subtitle): Now 10% More Helpful to Those in Germany

2008-12-30T23:24:00.022-05:00

I have a confession guy who twice visited our blog from Munich, Germany....I don't know how to beat Level 34 on Gemcraft. I don't really know why our blog is so high on a Google search for "Level 34" Gemcraft. German word for sorry.

In fact, the truth is that I gave up on Gemcraft after Level One and then just got Pinkag to fake Brent-related Gemcraft glory with MS Paint. But hopefully this newer Brent-related Gemcraft ruse got you to spend more than the zero seconds you spent on our page last time around....and it would also be nice if it lifted us to number one on Google searches for "Level 34" gemcraft.

This post is the first in an entirely new direction for Ryanandbrent. I'm planning on focusing all of my content on the things that people from around the world use as search terms to randomly pull our page out of the morass of blue link thingies.

Well except for the guy from Nottingham, England who found us through a search for: 14 year old boys in speedos pics....I'm not quite desperate enough yet to purchase a Speedo, wax my body down to hairlessness, and then get Ryan to take pictures of me from the collar-bone down in a Brent-related Pedophile Ruse...although I'm probably closer to that desperation point than you'd think.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase...ATTENTION RANDOM PEOPLE FROM SUCH EXOTIC LOCALES AS KOREA, GERMANY, ENGLAND, THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES AND NEWMARKET: Look if you're going to stumble upon our blog and find it completely does not suit the needs of what you searched for.... the least you could do is tell us we suck via comments.

To up the ante, I will only feed my new pal Goldy III on days when we receive comments about the 34th Level of Gemcraft from people in Munich.

How do you like that pal! Now not only are you stuck on Level 34 and mana-deprived with various monsters digitally scrolling closer and closer to the part where you lose, but you also now have a non-virtual-ticking-fish-death-starvation-bomb on your conscience as well. Not even the mighty Octagon gem can save you from that.

PS Build sufficient monster killing gems so that your gems kill all the monsters before they reach the end of the level.

Although to reiterate, the real monster you should be concerned with is the monster of "a lack of gratitude to Ryanandbrent." Or as you Munichites like to say "Das FishKillerin."

Brent and Ryan Only Third Most Prominent Ryan and Brent on Internet

2008-12-05T22:35:00.021-05:00

It says so right on Google....lowly, lowly, third place on a "Ryan and Brent" Google search. Third out of 8,480 is not too bad I guess, but that is a lot of Ryan and Brents. To avoid any possible confusion, here's a quick primer of the Ryan and Brents we are not.

Fake Ryan and Brent 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BjuG-Zrt4M)

WE ARE NOT two guys who have pinned their dreams of stardom on hoping that a girl being almost as hot as a real celebrity will overcome the fact that she can't sing or act or remember the words to her song or have a normal name. "Better Off" Miaa Rose? Really? Well I need to take this "Sweater Off" because I am on fire with all of the putdowns I just used on you and your so-called Ryan and Brent. And you should do the same as you have been severely verbally burned. And then I will put my Sweater back on as the door to my tiny balcony keeps coming open and it's cold in my tiny apartment.

It is shocking how similar we look to that Ryan and Brent though....

Fake Ryan and Brent 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_mjtj-Z18s)

Sigh. WE ARE NOT these guys either. How is this more entertaining than Pokemon Hamlet?.....alright bad example. You know what FR&B2? If using puppets to do a cover of a thirty year old Muppets piece is what it takes to make it to the almost top...well then I guess I'll settle for being number three, since I have a little something called comedic standards.
(Please ignore Pokemon Hamlet)
www.ebay.ca/search/funnierthanotherryanandbrentpuppets. Dammit, zero results, NO! Why did I cut and paste that url here! Oh man, and both my backspace and delete buttons are broken. It's like working on a typewriter here. A typewriter that for some reasons thinks those awful puppets are better than me. And a typewriter that saves my brothers past indiscretions for all eternity.

So those are the only two more famous Ryan and Brents out there....but of the thousands of other losers these are my favorite. WE ARE NOT this Ryan and Brent, but oh how I wish we were. (http://www.200b.org/images/ryanwed/) A photogallery of Ryan's wedding to Lindsay! Brent gets dressed for the wedding in a WalMart parking lot. Ryan gets married in a gymnasium, Brent wears khakis and a plaid shirt. Ryan and Brent are Chicago Bears Superfans with matching custom jerseys, Ryan is awkwardly out of place at a bar, Oh Evansville, Illinois Ryan and Brent, so much like us......Seriously, there's even a Kyle in there. Wait! www.200b.org has it's own website, subtitled "Six Crazy Guys, One Crazy Apartment".

Nothing says crazy guys inhabiting a crazy apartment quite like making signs reminding roommates to clean up, or a photogallery of Ryan and Brent fighting, or even Ryan using gravy as shampoo. It must be a Ryan and Brent thing since these guys look exactly like us as well.

And to sum up the rest of the losers, this Ryan and Brent are NOT members of Hellafied Funk Crew, a live hardcore hip-hop band, editors of The FutureStock Review, the founding members of Panic! At The Disco, or avid cyclists, who have logged thousands of miles on two wheels, and whose vision is to revolutionize cycling apparel as we know it.

Come to think of it, since our readership is almost entirely composed of imaginary people, our standing is probably much higher on the leading imaginary search engine: √(-1)

That is the nerdiest joke in the history of time. I think spending all this time reading about Evansville Brent has somehow caused my brain to meld with his. I'm struggling to distinguish my own memories from his khaki-tinted ones. Oh well, good thing I look awesome in plaid. Congrats on the nuptials Ryan!

The Viridian City Pokemon Players Present: The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

2008-11-13T18:06:00.002-05:00

ACT IV SCENE II. Another room in the castle.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

Safely stowed.

ROSENCRANTZ: GUILDENSTERN:

[Within] Pikachu! Pika-Pika!

HAMLET

What noise? who calls on Hamlet?
O, here they come.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachu, Pikaaaaachu!!!

HAMLET

Um, I assume you're asking me what I did with the dead body? Well, I compounded it with dust, whereto 'tis kin.

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Pika!!!

(A lightning bolt erupts from Rosencrantz' tail, it singes the curtains and gives children in the first two rows seizures.)

HAMLET

(Whispered) Seriously, what's going on, Guildernstern pick up the slack for Rosencrantz.

Guildenstern! The body is with the king, but the king is not with
the body. The king is a thing--

GUILDENSTERN

Jigglypuff jiggaly puff. Jiggaly jigglypuff. Jiggly Jiggly. Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff.

HAMLET

Forget this, I'm poisoning myself early.

A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordnance is shot off

AND SCENE....

Remember When Ryan Used To Post Things About Stuff...

2008-11-05T08:56:00.003-05:00

Yeah that was pretty sweet...

Well not to worry readers! I'm back! and in my blogging absence (blogsence?) I've stockpiled story upon story that will thrill you beyond your wildest dreams...In the coming weeks you can expect such fantastic stories as..

that time i tried to scare a group of canadian geese only to be viciously attacked, narrowly escaping with my life...

baseball fight! (the beer pour misunderstanding)

Lessons learned from halloween (a report on why running into glass paintings is hazardous)

An in depth report on why charmander is the best pokemon ever!

...and prolly some other things

Important Moving In / Daylight Savings Time News

2008-11-02T01:49:00.024-04:00

So I just moved into my tiny apartment in the city so I can start my new job on Monday.

Obviously I am a very important guy with very pressing matters on my mind.

Namely:

OFFICIAL PETITION TO REMOVE RUFIO AS LEADER OF THE LOST BOYS

Dear Fellow Lost Boys,

Times have been good `tis true. They have also been splendid. But cannot times be better? Are we forced to measure these times under the leadership of Rufio with adjectives? What of verbs, I ask you. I always thought if I was leader the times would be glitter.

So it is with the wish of future glory in mind that I call for a general election (Topical reference to American Election on Tuesday +300 Points)

Yes, an election for the leadership of the Lost Boys. I have as the following my multi-step platform for why Brent would make a much better leader than Rufio Hussein Hook-sama

(Possible reference to Barack Obama`s name? This is all very unclear. Was Rufio of mixed-race in that movie? Does that enhance the reference? He looked kind of Asian I guess....but like a really tanned Asian guy. Uhhh 150 reference points.)

Reason the first: Offical Campaign Chant “Brent, yeah Brent, Brent is the best leader the Lost Boys could have, yeah Brent, `cause he`s the greatest and a real Mav.....erick. Brent!”
Much more catchy than “Ru-fio! Ru-fio! Ru-fio!”

(Wait is that Maverick line a reference to John McCain? Is this supposed to be pro-Obama? Forget this I`m out of here, Love, the Brackets Reference Point-Giver Guy)

Reason B: Our Crocodile Boat has fallen into terrible disrepair under the rule of Rufio. Have you guys listened to that thing? It`s always making these really annoying click-clock sounds. Some of us are trying to sleep on here. Namely, Thud Butt. ZING!!11

{Yes! Finally, it`s Curly-Brackets the Back-up Reference Point Giver`s Time to Shine!! 3 out of 5 stars}

And lastly Reason III: Captain Hook told me if I could lure you all onto his boat as slaves he would give me both a treasure chest and that I could replace Smee as back-catcher on the Pirate Softball Team! Run Home Brent! Run Home Brent!
Um let`s see, fake reason....I need a fake reason....um, I have a comprehensive health care thing that will prevent deaths by being stabbed with swords.....which according to Wikipedia is how Rufio will die. See! I`m caring even to my stupid, fatherless, soon to be enslaved/stabbed opponent.

Remember VOTE BRENT `08!!! YES WE PAN!

{They didn`t have computers in the Peter Pan Universe, nor could they see the future, so that doesn`t make sense.... 0 stars}

[It makes less sense that the blog entry would question itself ]

{Wait.. what, who are you?}

[I`m Square bracket, the bracket reference who gives points to bracket references, now you know how it feels. 1 out of 5 brackets]

Exactly 500 Words on Nineteenth Century High Fashion

2008-10-09T16:22:00.007-04:00

A Historical Account of High Fashion (1800-1899)
For: Professor Gillian McClellan
By: Brent Wilson
University of Viridian City
Course MGH314

While universally adored today, many don't know the origin of the haute couture look known as the "neckbeard". Recent archaeological discoveries have placed the neckbeard back to the time of the Sumerians (present day Oakville), but the facial hairstyle takes it etymogical roots from Confederate General Arbok Beardneck from the Nineteenth Century American Civil War.

Beardneck was so consumed by battle preparations that he had time for neither personal grooming nor time to give his fanciful collection of snakes its proper attention. The latter led to the snakes growing unruly and prone to bite, as an aside this led to the naming of a snake like Pocket Monster after him in the popular Japanese Neo Geo Pocket Color Game Pocket Monsters II: Revenge of the Pocket Monsters.

As much as Beardneck was consumed with battle he was also concerned with his lasting legacy.
He foresaw the invention of the moving pictures, and with it the chance to make money on formulaic race-relations movies. As such he sought to have an African-American join his platoon of Confederate troops. When confronted by his superiors with the demand "He's not playing in that game!"

Beardneck was stern in his response "Damn right he's going to play, and we're going to win!"
The movie ends with the African American player winning whatever the Nineteenth Century War equivalent of the Heisman trophy is, after bringing both races together and winning the big game on a last second trick play of some sort.

In actuality Beardneck was turned on by his troops and murdered in his tent on Sept. 13, 1862.
The African-American escaped to sweet freedom and his grandson was the first black polo player fighting against the odds facing a prejudiced all white polo society (Wait...has polo been done yet? Must...get...agent...on.. phone quickly. I'll call it The Ride to Freedom)

Beardnecks gravestone reads "You guys will see, that will make an awesome movie....or at least a very profitable one." History has vindicated Beardneck, so whenever you see a portly fellow sporting a Neckbeard don't turn away or mock him. Embrace the spirit of Arbok Beardneck who has brought this great country so much, and aside from money and a legacy asked for so little.

And one more sentence brings it to exactly 500 words, right now. Now.

Blog-iatus

2008-09-09T23:11:00.004-04:00

I've read all your angry imaginary e-mails and comments about lack of content...and all I can say is "YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!"

With Ryan moving into a new place sans internet due to various "child porn being traced to the landlord concerns", and with my losing my mind over the Blue Jays teasing me with a ten game win streak we're far too busy this week to update.

That doesn't mean we don't care. I care so much it hurts.

Oh Lord! Why must we hurt the ones we hit?

I Went to the Ex, yeah.

2008-08-29T13:27:00.011-04:00

I have always contended that the CNE is lame, and that I would never, ever, EVer, EVER, EVAR go to such an event.

I feel strongly that agricultural fairs are an antiquated system of fun deliverance and are obsolete in a much more modern world full of talking picture frames and rapping video games. (X2 JOKE MULTIPLIER FOR RHYMING)

(-700 JOKE POINTS FOR JOKE REPEATING)

....and also those midway basketball hoops are nowhere near regulation size.

So it was with great trepidation that I agreed to go this week. Knowing that I had often stated "I am never going to the Ex." and "If you see me at the CNE feel free to push me into various fountains" I knew I needed a disguise of some sort. Something that people who know me would know I would never wear. Luckily the Little League World Series sent me a blessed idea from the heavens that arrived on an oversized, ugly, un-brimmed chariot.

That's right a flat brimmed gigantic 5950 baseball cap. I'm shuddering just remembering having to glop it onto my head. The beads are not part of the disguise, I just happened to be able to amass them from the Mardi Gras parade due to my awesome rack, ability to shout "BEADS!", and the fact that I have longer arms than children and old ladies.

The squintyness was not part of the disguise either, it was just really bright or something.
I also like how I have smile lines on my cheeks and that my lips are kinda curled into a smile, but nothing on the rest of my face indicates happiness....I couldn't even fake that I liked the Ex.

But it wasn't all bad, apart from feeling bad for all the gigantic livestock wandering around we also got to go to the farm pavilion and see some farm animals (zing! Take that fat people, I know you're not used to being made fun of, but someone had to say it), farm animals who apparently think I smell like something they enjoy smelling.

Thank god there is no pictoral evidence of when they started butting heads and scared me and made me scream like a lady.

The other part where I had fun was when me and my friends were all like "Do you think those firemen will spray us if we ask nicely?" And then we all giggled and ran up to them and jumped up and down and yelled "spray me! spray me! I bet you can't spray me!" And then they sprayed us, and it was soooo much fun.
And that was pretty much it, apart from a terrible dog show, and waiting in line but never getting to play Rock Band, or eat a Bison Burger

Final Brent Grade for CNE: 2 stars out of 5.

Then on the way home the 427 was closed so I had to take highway 27 instead, on the long country roads I could actually see the stars through my moon-roof, they were very pretty.

Final Brent Grade for Stars: 4 CNE's out of 5.

Tales From Work: A Case Of The Mondays

2008-08-26T12:23:00.007-04:00

I realize it's tuesday, but this story happened yesterday and I was too busy playing my new favourite game onslaught and trying to contact the building manager / a plumber, so for ease of writing lets just assume it's monday...

So It's my last week here at the gym, and as many of our imaginary readers have noticed I haven't written a "Tales From Work" installment in quite some time, take this rambling e-mail i received just the other day from an anonymous reader

Dear Ryinandbrant:

what hppened to the "ttales from work" installment? I quite enjyed hearing your veiws aboutr old people such asmyself as well as the wonderful expirements. I apolgise for the typing, but a rcent acident has left me too weak to type with any acuracy...so much rain here, does your gym do rehab?

Well anonymous reader, there's actually a reason why the experiments on tales from work have ceased. In a turn of events that nobody could have ever foreseen, I've actually taking a liking to these old guys, In fact I was going to start a new weekly segment titled "Old People: God's Gift To The World" but as you can see that didn't happen, all because of today...

It started out much like a regular monday. I wrote my usual sports board chock full of errors and waited to see how long it would take somebody to notice that I put ukraine 3rd in the medal standing, and that the headline "hawaii wins little league world series, putting and end to the united states run of 3 straight" doesn't make sense. (nobody did...I don't think anybody reads my sports board)

While I did this I couldn't help but notice one of our members had been in the bathroom for an awfully long time...terrified that he might be dead I was getting up to investigate when he appeared from the bathroom and said "the bathrooms broken" and then continued into the gym area to work out leaving me to investigate what he meant...

unfortunately by "the bathroom is broken" he meant "I just clogged the toilet and made a mess everywhere" I don't really want to talk about anything that happened after that because it makes me cry, lets just say it was a pretty shitty day (pun intended) and I hate old people

...and apparently they can't digest peas.

...and apparently they love them.

Et tu Chuck E?

2008-08-23T14:03:00.011-04:00

Now not only is Titanic a giant baked good for kids, but now the Hindenburg is a prominently featured poster at a terrible arcade for kids.

It's posed right like it was before it a'sploded...floating in the air. Just think of all those colourfully drawn people from the poster who burned up. Do you want that imaginary blood on your hands Charles? Our imaginary readership wouldn't take to kindly to a mouse doused in imaginary blood. (X2 JOKE POINTS FOR RHYMING)

Maybe if the Hindenburg had a lying old lady like the Titanic I would be less aghast at this. She lied and stole and threw that necklace into the ocean for this, if an old lady threw a photo locket off the balcony and into the depths of New Jersey I think that would make for a dramatic movie climax as well.

I understand that Titanic was (and my movie idea Hindenburg 2000! would make) a popular and profitable movie...but people remember it actually happened right? This isn't like making a shoot-asteroids at the Earth Armageddon type arcade game. Or a much more serious and boring talking about shooting asteroids at the Earth Deep Impact style arcade/lecture game.

I go to Chuck E Cheese to have fun, these things and terrible games only bring me down, the Head Cheese's (PUN) working there seem to imagine people think of Chuck E Cheese as a terrible casino, with disaster themed slot machines and spider ring prizes.

The only games I like are games that involve balls, skeetball, regular basketball, childrens' basketball, photo-booth ball, hover-ball thing, Ninja Turtles in Time Arcade Ball Game, pushing kids in the ball pit, and of course elderly basketball. Tickets are an ancillary prize to be enjoyed when the winning at everything is done, really I wish that tokens were a redeemable prize where in theory if you sink enough hoops playing oldsketball you could play forever.

Sadly that's not reality, the reality I live in involves Titanic-based tomfoolery and Morgan Freeman narrated asteroid lectures, or maybe even Morgan Freeman Rainy Driving: The Game.

Overweight!

2008-08-20T07:15:00.011-04:00

I did it!!!

Last night I officially became overweight* with a meal that would have made Michael Phelps proud...check this out Michael.

appetizers

Table bread 1/2 loaf with 2 oz. butter.... 403 calories, 46 g. of fat
Mushrooms Neptune 1 serving (i'm assuming that means the whole platter right?) 380 calories, 31g of fat (and very possibly much. much more)
Calamari (once again assuming 1 serving means entire platter) 646 calories, 36g of fat
1/4 serving of crab and cheese dip...278 calories, 18.6g of fat.

Entree

Keg Size New York Peppercorn Steak...1113 calories, 76.3g of fat
Garlic Mashed Potatoes...382 calories...22.1g of fat
Baked Parmesan Tomato...38 calories, 1.7g of fat

Other peoples food

Fortunately for me C.J. was sick, and apparently does not like prime rib, and as always my dad filled up on pop, and then overestimated his eating abilities...

C.J's small prime rib...794 calories, 64g of fat.
1/3 of dad's Keg size prime rib...443 calories, 36.3g of fat
C.J's frizzled onions...138 calories, 7.1g of fat.
Dad's vegetable medley, 124 calories, 1.2g of fat.

Dessert

Billy Miner Pie (keg size)...884 calories, 36g of fat
stealthy bite of cj's brownie sundae while he wasn't looking...???

Totals: 5,623 calories, 376.3g of fat (not including the keg size extra spicy caesar because no nutritional information was available)

To put that into perspective the average healthy male should consume 2500 calories, and 70-80g of fat in an entire day. I easily doubled the calories, and almost put 5 times the amount of fat in my body in a span of an hour.

hmmm, I just realized this entire blog consisted of me listing my dinner, and had nothing interesting whatsoever...much like brents blog about puns (zing!)** To make it up to you here is a picture of a baby penguin.

*overweight according to the BMI

** your puns were actually pretty good

Here are some puns.

2008-08-17T13:37:00.012-04:00

Canadian Christopher Neil sentenced in pedophile trial in Thailand.

Well, you do the Thai, you do the time.

I came up with this next pun after realizing that Tim Hortons and Timothy's had astonishingly similar names (both contain the first name Timothy or derivations thereof) and wanted to come up with my own coffee shop name.

So my idea was for it to be called "Horton Serves a Brew".

In quotes that brought up zero results in Google, which I believe makes it un-sueable for copyright infringement.

Are either or those even puns? Hmm, this was a pretty terrible blog entry, as penance here's a picture of me eating two double scoop ice cream cones in front of a hungry four year old.

Later on he cried. He was being a Drama Dairy Queen, or you could say I "Basked" in "Robbin'" him of ice cream......CJ stood for "Ceriously Jilted".

I "Played-mean" and he "Screamed."

It was a "Rocky Road" of emotions.

Something something "Rum Raisin" CJ was sad, something something, "Chunky Monkey".

That Pralines and Cream pun was a bit of a stretch.

Alright I think that's enough.

So...I'm pretty sick of Gemcraft

2008-08-14T16:26:00.003-04:00

seriously...I never want to play this game again. (but check out how awesome I am, level 94!!)

So... I'm Pretty the Best At Gemcraft (Or How pinkag showed me how to use MS Paint)

2008-08-14T11:17:00.008-04:00

Photographic proof.

At least as believable as that Bigfoot in a bucket of ice.

If only I had a costume and lots and lots of ice...I could be famous as well.

(Or how pinkag showed me how to make a blue link thing.)

Sports Update: Olympic Version!!!

2008-08-12T09:39:00.004-04:00

Since when are 14 year olds allowed in the olympics??? Not only is it making me feel bad that at age 23 I have yet to qualify for a single olympic event, let alone win a gold medal, but looking at a 14 year old boy in a speedo makes me feel like I'm doing something very wrong.

Also, this is synchronized diving, you can't have a 14 year old diving next to 26 year old. They shouldn't just dive the same, but they should look the same. If I were president of the olympics (is that a thing?) it would be a three tenth deduction if you don't look the same. Now I know what you're thinking...wouldn't that give a huge advantage to the asian and african american teams? Well yes, it would, but here's my thinking...the chinese are going to win anyways, and as we all know african americans can't swim.

speaking of racism...you know who's a racist? Hayley Wickenheiser. Now I already knew this because a google search of "Hayley Wickenheiser is a racist" came back with 440 hits. But last night while watching the canadian softball team vs chinese taipei (which for some reason she was a commentator for) she pointed out that the chinese taipei team looked tired....Now I guess she isn't used to seeing asians as hockey is the whitest sport in the world, but seriously, someone needs to tell her that's just how they look. I was half expecting her to comment that the reason they were having trouble hitting was because they were squinting.

oh...ok so apparently Hayley Wickenheiser played softball for canada during the 2000 olympics...which means that her comment wasn't ignorant, but just flat out racist...or perhaps they actually were tired. but either way I think this proves that Hayley Wickenheiser is a man.

Disaster + Time + Cookies = Fun

2008-08-11T16:58:00.008-04:00

I was going to make a post entitled "So...I'm Pretty the Best at Gemcraft." Inside which I would regale everyone how I was at level 91 and I would have a photo with MS-Paint doctored proof to back up my claims.

But I didn't, because I am a good person.

And also three pairs of similar entries in a row is about three too many....and I don't really know how to use MS Paint to follow through with that plan, and I wouldn't have been able to keep my post about Gemcraft as delightfully ramble-free as Ryan did.

Side note: When did being rambly or random become good things? A rambling post about a non-existent response post about levelship in a free online game to an imaginary readership is probably not the best place to make this point.

ANYWAY,

I was driving to town the other day when I caught sight of this of some commotion out of the corner of my eye.

Some girls soccer team was having a fundraiser by the lake and a bake-sale was the main attraction.

I would've eaten some delicious cookies myself but the line was like a hundred people long and it cost $5 per baked item. I also wouldn't have been able to have anyone take a picture of my face as it registered disgust, as they were selling giant cookies....Titanic sized-cookies if you will. So to register this fact they made the cookies boat-shaped and decorated them like the Titanic.

I would also like a picture of myself flopping the the lake, freezing cold and about to sink in the icy blue waves, while enjoying the tasty treat.

These cookies doesn't go far enough, children should be able to eat, and laugh and also play on all sorts of different types of human tragedy. Water parks should be full of Hindenburgs that burst and splash children with water, the Tangiwai Langhi would make an even better slide than the boring old Titanic, and way more people died in that which of course equals way more fun.
Anyone for Branch Davidian Brownies?

Look, I even restrained myself from making a Twin Towers/Drop-Zone type reference.
It'll still be like forty years before such an attraction will be fun.

So...I'm Pretty Good At Gemcraft

2008-08-07T14:09:00.007-04:00

In case you can't make that out it says level 82....you should be impressed. You should also be impressed that I was able to take a screenshot of the computer. And perhaps most of all, you should be impressed at how short I was able to keep this blog without rambling on...

Sports Update: Continued Use of Confusingly Similar Blog Entries Enrage Nonexistent Readership

2008-08-03T11:38:00.006-04:00

Booked the day off of not watching the Jays yesterday to watch the Jays (unless of course you read this blog Swayne, in which case, I was not watching the Jays). I think this showed great dedication on my part, especially after the ninth inning meltdown the night prior.

This dedication was rewarded as I was granted the news scoop of the century.

Dateline- Arlington Texas

'Tis the sixth inning of a back and forth Jays-Rangers game, Michael Young hits a dangerous curving shot to deep right field, Jays RF Brad Wilkerson leaps at the wall.

Despite this fans best intentions Wilkerson was able to make the catch (trap the ball on the wall)
and bring the Jays one out closer to sweet, sweet victory..

..wait a minute.

This fan looks strangely familiar.

Really Bartman? That was the best you could do? Move to Texas, change what side of the field you interfere on, stop listening to the games on the radio, and grow a horrendous disguise beard?

At the very least he does look much happier in his new locale.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPORTS UPDATE WITH A FASHION UPDATE:

Look, if you're going to wear a baseball glove to the game there is a simple rule...you have to be under 13 years old. If you're going to make yourself look like a fool the least you could do would be to change which arm you wear your watch on. Am I right ladies? For shame Bartman, for shame.

So yeah, I found Bartman. I am the best.

With this groundbreaking blog entry posted, and the news broken, I expect tons of media attention for finally locating Bartman. It wasn't easy but I did it.

I reach Level 34 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries.

Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

2008-07-31T09:25:00.004-04:00

Booked the day off work yesterday to watch the major league debut of Canadian Scott Richmond (unless ofcourse you read this blog Wayne, in which case I really did have an ear infection but I'm happy to report that I'm all better now) Unfortunately the TV had other ideas and decided to instead show reruns of poker, which in the end may have been for the best as the blue jays lack of clutch hitting would have angered me and I have been known to take out that anger on anything in range, including CJ, the remote control, and a perfectly good bowl of sun chips.

Back onto Poker...I hate poker, and I don't care what anyone says there is no skill involved, it's just like a game of war, or go fish, or hockey. Not only do I not like poker but I don't like anybody who plays poker. off the top of my head I can only think of those people on the poker commercials, and matts sundin. Matts sundin loves poker, I know this because a google search for "matts sundin loves poker" came back with 6770 hits. (Using this method I also discovered corn flakes kill people, and that pants are made of ghosts)

And in other sports related news...

I beat Carter and CJ in a dunk contest yesterday becoming what I believe to be the first person to ever win a dunk contest while wearing a moustache.

Matts Sundin continues to delay his decision on whether he will play next year, no doubt concerned that playing hockey will cut into his online poker time.

Team Catfish looks to win the cottage cup this weekend in the annual Cottage Softball Weekend Tournament.

And in non sports related news...

Hand sanitizer at front desk develops clog forcing streams of melon scented sanitizer into the face of unsuspecting members causing laughter, false promises to fix it by me.

I reach level 32 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries

A Strongly Worded Reply to A Fellow Blogger

2008-07-19T16:39:00.004-04:00

I can explain baby, baby why won't you let me explain?

You see while you were on a week long vacation on the sunny beaches of Canada, I was on a week long vacation on the sunny streets of Canada City. And what a glorious week it was, I went to a Canada City Baseball-Fellows game and watched it from the lower deck instead of the 500 level tickets I paid for, I ate obscene amounts of Mike and/or Ike's, I saw a movie about The Bat Man, but most importantly I went to the Canada City Animal Containment Observatory.

The best thing about the CCACO is that the hungry hungry hippos are contained safely in a pool, that way they can't attack me. Here's a picture!

Just look at how hungry that hungry pygmy hippo looks. And if Ryan was that log (which coincidentally replicates his skinny build exactly)
would I jump in to save the day?

No, hippos are dangerous and highly territorial.
But for the sake of attempting to guilt him I will pretend to say yes instead.

Two other highlights of the visit to the CCACO were staring deeply into a Goliath bird-eating spiders tank to attempt to spot it. I caught a glimpse of yellow hair and thought that must be it, alas it was only a dead chick for the spider to devour.

We also got to see the cute Surinam toad. It was sitting on the edge of its pool and then dropped into the water where it slowly began to do backflips. It kept on backflippin' right to the bottom of the tank where it laid to rest on its back...and then it didn't move, we came back half an hour later but it was still on its back not moving on the floor of the water. So yeah, I saw a Surinam toad die in front of me. I didn't expect that when I decided to go to Canada City.

That's some pretty heavy stuff right? Isn't that a decent excuse for not writing while I was away?

A Strongly Worded Letter To A Fellow Blogger / E-Harmony

2008-07-19T08:16:00.005-04:00

Really Brent? I came back from my one week vacation from the sunny beaches of Canada to find not a single post last week? Do even know how many angry e-mails I received from angry blog readers this morning? Zero! Our readers were so outraged that in retaliation they didn't bother to write anything either...not even any comments about how I've opened their eyes to the wonderful world of telletubies. Instead I just had 23 e-mails from the e-harmony account I created last friday when i was bored at work...

Which brings me to you E-Harmony...First of all, despite answering all questions with brutal honesty my personality profile is way off...helping others before I help myself? I don't think so, If Brent and I were to go on an African Safari trip and he were to be chased by a hungry hungry hippo would I risk my life to save his? Defintely not, especially not after the stunt he pulled last week.

A steady personality? I don't think so E-Harmony, I am a volcano of emotion ready to erupt at any moment. I'm like the volcano on that show I watched on Discovery HD last week "supervolcano". My eruptions may be rare but once my magma chamber fills to a certain level even a small eruption could trigger a super eruption covering the entire earth in ash and triggering the next ice age.....(I probably could have come up with a better analogy there)

And finally E-Harmony, how am i supposed to tell if the people you matched me with are fat if I can't see a picture of them? You can say our personalities are "perfectly matched" all you want but I specifically told you that the fitness level of my matches was "extremely important" to me and I can't tell unless I see a picture. Also 59.95 for one month? really? Now I'll never know if me and Jaclyn, 22 from London are soul mates. She describes herself as easy-going, loyal, and funny. She's a cook who claims to have a passion for food and a "great sence of humour" (I can look past her poor spelling) but has her passion for food gone too far? Because that is something I can't look past, and a picture is the only way for me to judge that.

Blogging From The Past!

2008-07-11T06:48:00.004-04:00

Far too early to be creative so instead here's a blog from the past...

If your anything like me there's something that you have to do before you get your day started. Something that if you don't do, it throws your whole day off. for some poeple it's something simple like showering or eating breakfast, for others it might be going to the gym, or reading the newspaper, maybe even watching the sports highlights. But if your anything like me it's watching teletubbies on pbs kids. I've heard some people call teletubbies "a show for babies" but they're wrong, teletubbies can be enjoyed by everyone regardless of age, If you ask me teletubbies is not "a show for babies", but in fact, the perfect show, and here's why...

1) simplicity: you have four characters: tinky-winky, dipsy, lala, and poe. All of them are colour coded and are different sizes, so you'll never get confused, they don't spring random characters on you all of a sudden. You can be confident that when you sit down to watch an episode of teletubbies, you won't see anything other then these four characters (with the exception of the occasional bunny rabbit, and baby in the sun)

2) No plot: How many times has this,or something like this happened to you? Your watching an episode of the OC when you make a comment that you haven't seen marissa in awhile. people give you a weird look and proceed to tell you that marissa is dead. terrible isn't it? but thats what happens on most tv shows with a basic plot, things change. But not teletubbies, nothing ever changes in teletubby land, missed yesterdays episode? doesn't matter, todays episode will have absolutely nothing to do with it.

3) sensory stimulation: there's so many colours, and lots of music, and dancing.

4) educational value: not only will you be entertained beyond your wildest dreams, but you'll learn valuable life lessons. Today for example I found out what a circle looks like, and that sharing can be fun. won't learn that anywhere else.

5) tummy vision: how many so called 'adult shows" have tummy vision? thats right, zero!

Now the only problem with teletubbies is that sometimes when my friends ask me what happened, I can never seem to recall, it's so good that everything just seems to blend together into one enormous happy blur . so today while watching i brought down my notebook, and took somewhat detailed notes on what was happening scene by scene....

The epsidode started like all other episodes, with the theme song, and then that magical fan whirling, and then that speakerphone thingy coming out of the ground and announcing "it's time for teletubbies" the teletubbies then emerge from behind the hills and proceed to introduce themselves in case of the unlikely event that you forgot who was who, or have never seen the show. The teletubbies then join hands and do a poorly choreographed dance though the hills of teletubby land.

The next scene starts with a blank yellow screen, then poe appears, and dances and soon multiplies while the narrator (who has a lovely soothing british accent) counts the number of poe's. This continues until three, then the screen changes to orange and the same thing happens with lala. no sign of dipsy (my favourite teletubby) or tinky winky (my least favourite teletubby)

hooray! dipsy is here in the next scene with poe. They walk in a circular motion dropping different colours of sand where they have walked. In the end they have formed a circle. they stop and look at the circle confused, fortunately the narrator informs them it is a circle. dipsy and poe proceed to say the word 'circle" while giggling. the circle then dissapears and the process is repeated.

Tummy vision time!! on todays tummy vision we peer into dipsy's tummy and see a group of british children making art with coloured sand. I'm concerned with the lack of parental supervision, not so much for the kids sake, but for the arts sake. My fears prove to be true and the final product is substandard.

The next scene is perhaps my favourite of the day. A swing magically appears in teletubby land in front of lala. lala seems unsure of this swing, but eventually conquers any doubts and proceeds to ride the swing. Poe appears soon after and stands beside the swing, swinging her arms in unison with lala's swinging. both of them seem overjoyed. This goes on for awhile until the narrator suggests that maybe lala should share the swing with poe. Lala thinks this is a great idea, and lets poe on the swing, but disaster soon strikes as poe falls of the swing (and by fall i mean get off the swing, spin around a few times, do an odd dance, and fall to the ground...perhaps the least believable fall ever, but i'm not sure i could handle the stress of poe falling for realsies) anyways this continues for her first three times , but then lala shows her how and on her fourth attempt she succeeds. she is a wonderful swinger.

The final scene focuses on some bunny rabbits for a minute, then switches over to the teletubbies who have their arms linked and seem to be playing a game of copy cat. tinky winky does one action and then the others proceed to copy him. this ranges from simple actions such as moving their fingers to very complex actions such as jumping or balancing on one foot. (poe seems to have trouble with the balancing, perhaps the reason she had trouble on the swing) The speakerphone then rises from the ground and announces that it's time for the teletubies to say goodbye. they say there goodbye's then proceed to a jump into the hole where i can only assume they live. thus concluding another incredible episode.

Continuity

2008-07-06T22:30:00.005-04:00

A member of my family got fired from their job because they urinated in the company parking lot during their shift.

Wait a minute, I promised to keep that a secret, this much shorter writing topic has hilariously not worked to my benefit as I intended.

Damn you WishMaster!

I wish I had never stumbled upon your amulet filled tomb.

Dear Diary....

2008-07-06T22:18:00.008-04:00

...one of these days I'm going to get three wishes granted to me by some sort of specter.
I really hope it's a giant blue one who cracks jokes to me and my monkey pal Abu.

Most of the time when I think about things that will never happen to me it doesn't really affect my life once I'm done plotting how I would avoid certain death, or how I would kick the ninja's throwing stars back at him.

But the scenario where I am granted wishes has. I now avoid saying "I wish..." at all costs, maybe I've been granted limited secret wishes that I don't know about, and if not it's still good practice for when I get real wishes.....although if I do have secret wishes I guess that plan is the worst one in human history if I keep it up.

Everyone knows wishes don't come cheap, maybe it's punishment for cutting off Abu's paw and using it for the illicit wish giving powers monkey paws possess that makes wishes come with a twist.

Or maybe it's just a metaphor to teach morals that doesn't quite work, just like every fairy tale. (Seriously what am I supposed to get out of Jack and the Beanstalk? Trading valuable things for worthless things like beans is...good?!?!?!)

Another terrible consequence is that you can never casually "wish" for something ever again.
I don't know why but I always imagine the same scenario for accidental wishes, I'm walking, I'm tired, I still have quite a ways to go and I had to wear my uncomfortable shoes because I wasn't allowed to bring my other ones just because they smell like I've never worn socks in them. (An unkempt exaggeration, I wore socks in them the first few times I got the shoes a couple years ago.)

"Man I wish my feet weren't so sore" I would surely vent without thinking.

BAM!!!!!!1111!!!1!!!!

A cloud of purple smoke explodes over my feet. "Wh-wh-wh-whaa happened?"

As the smoke clears I get the first view of my new shoes, I dunno they're made of rubies or something, this story got too long and I got lazy.

I wish I had thought of something shorter to write about.

Google Maps Let Me Down Again

2008-07-04T12:23:00.006-04:00

I definitely don't live here

But who does live at 9504, E 63rd St, Raytown MO, 64133? Why does he live in the middle of what appears to be a busy street? And perhaps most importantly where is Wayne? My shift is over in 5 minutes and I can only pretend to be nice to be old people for so long...

R.A. Dickey is My Second Favorite Knuckleballer

2008-06-30T22:43:00.007-04:00

I have a baseball pitcher/punching related hypothesis, hence the totally appropriate pitcher picture accompaniment.

It's double appropriate as the Rays and Red Sox have started their first series since this brawl.

My favorite part of this picture is how from this angle it totally looks like James Shields is connecting with this punch.

Shouldn't pitchers be awesome at punching stuff? Their whole job involves whipping their arm to maximum velocity, which would seem to dovetail with punching stuff nicely.

But brawls have shown us time and time again that most pitchers flail and miss wildly like Mr. Shields, or turn sideways and fall over a la Pedro Martinez. Or how about that time blog-tributor Ryan got kneed in the face? Remember that? (Sidenote: Ryan you can't get on me for not helping you in that fight, I got punched in the face, you can however blame Garnett, or Kyle who has proven quite clearly he is a liability when drinking)

To test my hypothesis I want to go to a bar that has one of those sweet punching bag games to see if punching from the pitching wind-up generates more force, and also to play that stacking blocks game because it is fun and last time I was this close to winning a mini-IPod (WSIPOD).

After the results become public knowledge I imagine pitchers will at least try the pitching windup power punch when charged, I mean even if it misses everyone jumps in so fast it won't matter.

Everyone except RA Dickey that is, both because knuckleball pitchers don't get charged too often, and also because his windup is slow, girlish looking, and balk inducing. Go Jays.

Addendum: My predicted Rance Mulliniks response to being asked to party with the DoodleBops was awkward silence, sadly I was incorrect.

Life Lessons

2008-06-25T10:45:00.008-04:00

I've made a huge mistake....

At this very moment I am at work listening to a CD called "Opera without words" (which is exactly what it sounds like) while playing a little game called "the poem game" (which is exactly as fun as it sounds)

for those of you at home who aren't familiar with the game, and would like to play at home here's how you play: You'll need two people (one of whom is old) and a computer. The old person recites a line of poetry that he can remember, then the second person on the computer tries to find the entire poem on the internet and in the rare case he does, he then reads the entire poem to the old person out loud who then replies "ah yes i remember that one" and this goes on and on until he finishes his workout.

There's a lesson to be learned in all of this, and that is never be nice to old people or pretend to be interested in anything they say. This would have never come about had I not pretended to show interest in his book "victorian parlour poems" (which i might add he is bringing to his next workout)

Friendly Game of Fifty-Two Pick-Up Ends in Tears, Mess

2008-06-24T23:11:00.003-04:00

The only card game I have ever enjoyed was a baseball based card game that four or five of us briefly played at lunch in high school, until I accidentally left the deck in my pocket and it went through the wash. I can't remember what it was called, and I imagine googling "baseball card game" will produce too many results to sift through. So let's just call it "Wild Cardz". That sounds believable and baseball related.

So it was much to my chagrin when I went over to my rich cousins house and despite their multiple pinball machines and 8 foot rock-climbing wall/bunk beds my lame cousin asked if I wanted to play cards instead of doing something that didn't suck.

I knew I had to feign interest or else he would lose interest in me and I would have to return home and help shovel mulch from the back of a truck into smaller piles in our driveway, avoiding doing work was the whole reason I had gone over to my cousins in the first place, so I reluctantly said yes, I would indeed play cards.

"But wait fair cousin" I began, "We should play this fun new game I just learned. Do you want to play it?"

"Sure!!" He replied, "Is it like Crazy Eights?"

"Umm it's pretty much the same, except we'll need to use all four of these decks to play. It's called Fifty-Two Pickup." (Editors Note: I am well aware this would in fact be Two Hundred and
Eight Plus Jokers Plus How to Play Bridge Pick Up)

One of the decks was brand new, so that obviously needed to be shuffled before we could play.
I told my cousin I had injured my fingers on my left hand by accidentally putting them in the toaster, so he would have to shuffle as well as get me a cool beverage to soothe my wounds.

The cards were ready, my Coke Zero was refreshing...it was the moment of truth. I could still back out of throwing all the cards on the floor and telling him to pick them up, but then I would have to play Crazy Eights with four whole decks, I realize now that the length of Crazy Eights is not affected by the number of cards used....that realization could have saved me some drama.

It was too late, I grabbed the cards and tossed them in the air, "FIFTY TWO PICK UP!" I yelled.
I grabbed my belly in mock laughter, telling my cousin now he had to pick up all the cards or else I would tell everyone he was Arch Lord Fife Twoo-loserin.

I never got a chance to introduce his Lordship to the world because my cousin broke down.
I mean the cards weren't even that widely dispersed, sure he has small hands but he could pick them up in under a minute, and reorganize them into their respective decks in another ten.

Under threats of "I'm telling on you" I ran away, all the way home.
Oh no! My parents are still in the drive way doing "chores", if they see me they'll force me to help and I'll be easy pickings for forced apologies once my aunt calls to pass on what happened.

I manned up and did the mature thing, I hid in the downstairs tub with my laptop until the storm blew over. By the time dinner was prepared all was almost forgotten, I was able to claim my cousin mistakenly remembered the events and also got to watch the Jays destroy the Reds instead of doing work.

All in all another excellent day.

Tales From Work: Bringing Productivity To New Lows

2008-06-18T16:21:00.007-04:00

Today at work a safety inspector came in which would have been fine had she not walked in while I was playing spice girls loudly throughout the gym (due to the experiment which shall be mentioned later) while seeing if I could knock the punching bag over with a kick (I could by the way)

I'll be surprised if the owner doesn't receieve a phone call from her as during the inspection I failed to locate a fire extinguisher (turns out we have 2) and all the ice packs that we have were currently being used to chill my drink. (I was able to locate the first aid kit though after having to use it last week after an incident involving the punching bag that we won't speak of)

Now as for this weeks old person experiment...surprisingly most of the old folks are surprisingly tolerant of spice girls, S Club 7, and other music of that nature (now whether it's because they actually don't mind it, or whether their hearing has deteriorated to the point where they can no longer hear it is up for debate) The middle aged men (age 40-50) definitely had a problem with it though...specifically to the songs "shake your groove thing" and "It's raining men". Most of them were very polite in asking to change the music, with the exception of Dave who stopped working out and stared angrily at me...Dave scares me and from here on out no more experiments will be done with Dave.

Next time on Tales From Work: Will Ryan's drinking of non-alcoholic beer cause an uproar at work?

This Is NOT a Gay Wedding Countdown Blog....Yet

2008-06-16T20:00:00.004-04:00

As can be clearly seen I spent about zero seconds picking a name and layout for this blog endeavor (blogdeavor?).

The naming style I haphazardly chose is apparently a common one...for people about to get married.

For example: sarahandchristian.com, daveandlyndsay.com, and what I believe to be the first man-robot woman wedding blog mitchandmolly2008.wordpress.com

Heck even friend of Ryan and Brent, PJ is getting in on the wedding blog bandwagon with his inspired Thirdtimeisthecharm.com

So to head any rumors off at the pass Ryan and I are not getting married.
Especially not in the current economic state. Nope, I was just too lazy to think of the connotations, and now after creation it's too late, especially after our inspired blog progress (blogress?), we had 37 hits yesterday... 37!

Take that myfabgaywedding.blogspot.com

A Pre-emptive Strike Against Richard Griffin

2008-06-14T20:35:00.003-04:00

I feel I have a pretty good handle of what makes hated Toronto Star columnist Richard Griffin tick. He hates anything related to "Moneyball", supports the idea that JP Ricciardi is interested only in white players, and feels common sense is optional for column writing.

After todays unfortunate Jays defeat he will write an insane column about Reed Johnson and how the Jays would be a million games better if they had not waived him. He was against the move from the get go and if he doesn't jump on this opportunity to talk about how the Jays don't value "intangibles", and grittiness", and other nonsense I will be shocked.

Did I like Reed Johnson? Sure I did, by all accounts he seemed like a great guy, and the fact he was a small white guy likely did wonders for his reputation (cough Eckstein cough).

But the fact remains that he is currently a below average offensive player coming off a few injury plagued years and right now the Jays are in the same place without him as they have always been with him. Barely above mediocrity.

In hindsight is Johnson playing better than the hydra consisting of Mench, Wilkerson, Stewart, Lind, and Coats? Yes he is, but he's still not having a great year. His homer today was only his second, and he's only OPSing in the mid-700s. Had the Jays kept him how much better off would they be? A game or two at most?

I'm also predicting Griffin will take the insane position that the Jays clubhouse is worse off for losing Johnson's inherent grittiness (read: whiteness), and that this is hurting the team greatly.

I'm praying he does do this. Supporting the opposite positions that the Jays are racist and favor white (gritty) ball players and also that the Jays were dumb to waive an average gritty (white) ball player in favor of an average African-American (not-gritty) player will please me greatly.

Please Rick (can I call you Rick?) don't let me down, I know you can do it.

It's in you, I can feel it.

The Worlds' Biggest I-Pod (A Photo Essay)

2008-06-11T16:37:00.010-04:00

My I-Pod no longer will load new material onto it. It's quite traumatic for me as I mainly use it to listen to podcasts and thus have a constant need for new sustenance, it's like a personal auditory IV drip.

I however have come up with a new solution, I haven't patented it yet, but I call it "The Worlds' Biggest I-Pod." And now for the first time ever here is photographic evidence of its design splendor.

Quite a beaut isn't she? Just like an I-Pod it plays all the music and podcasts I desire. And its battery power lasts for a couple hours, plenty of time to get to the gym and back.

There is a downside I hadn't considered however. While walking downstairs in the witching hour with my WBIPOD I became blinded. The WBIPOD has a much brighter display than a RSIPOD (regular sized) and it doesn't automatically turn off after a few seconds. I couldn't see the steps in front of me, even with tentative baby steps I became unsteady and almost fell to my doom.

I put the ungodly memory behind me long enough to recreate the chilling tableau.

(DRAMATIC RECREATION)

As you can see I am blinded by the light.
I was going to make the area surrounding me dark to indicate that it was nighttime. But it turns out I have no idea how to use the fill-in tool in MS paint.

As such there is a helpful ghost (Mortimer) there to remind you that it is very dark apart from the screen on my WBIPOD.

(DRAMATIC RECREATION BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS)

Oh no!

I am cut open on the chin and even after falling the WBIPOD is still shining in my eyes, giving me no respite from everlasting day.

On the plus side, the WBIPOD is still trucking, it appears no worse for wear after my almost trip headfirst down the stairs.

Despite its weaknesses at night I am still very pleased with my WBIPOD during the day and as a workout tool.

Here I am coming home from a run, headband in place and bandage on my horrific wound.

(Full disclosure: I tried to take my WBIPOD to the local gym to get pictures of me shooting hoops and having fun. But since my brother isn't a member he couldn't get in and I had to ask a staff member to take my picture.
Following questions of "wait, what are you doing?" And statements of "No, we don't allow picture taking in here, we've had problems with people taking pictures of children." I was forced to return home, alone, and defeated, and pictureless.)

When everyone has a WBIPOD and I am famous they'll be begging me to come back and take a picture at their gym.

You'll see.

Blogging From The Past!

2008-06-10T13:03:00.006-04:00

I wanted to write a post about the Jay's glorious extra inning win last night over the mariners, but unfortunately the baseball gods had other ideas...so instead here's something I wrote several years ago...

I've never really caught on to the whole axe thing (you know the deoderant spray) but I was going through my spongebob mini garbage can the other day (where I keep my random stuff) and I realized I have like 7 cans of it, and I figured well I might as well put this stuff to use. So over the past week I have sampled the various scents and spray techniques in order to better understand the axe phenomenon.

Monday: Today I sampled "pheonix" the axe website describes this scent as a "bold and maverick scent" which confused me so I went to dictionary.com where it described maverick as "un unbranded cow, or other range animal who is separated from it's mother) Why I would want to smell like that also confused me, but i suppose that cowboys probably smell like that, and if there's one thing in life i've learned it's that cowboys are sexy. I used the "T" spraying technique (across the chest and down the middle) I suppose i kinda smelled like a cowboy, one that was drenched in cheap deoderant spray, but a cowboy nevertheless. I was feeling confident...but maybe a little too confident, and that night I was walking to the lcbo when a wave of bravery came over me, i promptly looked up at the sky and challenged any aliens out there that they couldn't get me (i'm deathly afraid of aliens by the way) I'm not sure if the axe wore off right then, but i immediately realized what I had done and promptly turned around, ran back inside the house, and buried myself under the covers.

Tuesday: Still nervous from last nights happenings and a lack of sleep, I decided to go with "Orion" who apparently was the ancient god of hunting, sounds like someone aliens wouldn't want to mess with. I also switched up my spray technique to a basic circle. The combination proved to be a resounding success, not only did I not get abducted by aliens, but i actually talked to a girl....on msn.

Wednesday: Despite the thrilling success of Tuesday I wanted more, it was time to pull out the big guns. Axe unlimited, a scent rumoured by the axe website to give me unlimited power. And if that wasn't enough I changed my spray technique from the basic circle to the the five pillars of islam! With this combination I had enough confidence to leave the house for the first time since monday's little incident. I started my day by going to the grocery store because I was out of soy milk, and thats when the power of unlimited first began to show. I was walking by the bank on the way to ultra when this guy was coming out of the bank and he was holding the door open for me, and even though I wasn’t going in the bank I went in anyways because I was afraid he would hurt me. I then stood there akwardly for a few seconds then pretended to look at my watch and ran home to play pokemon...what a glorious day, i finally caught a pikachu!

Thursday: Woke up feeling great. The last two days had been succesful beyond my wildest dreams. I began today by watching David Blaine and I was inspired by him because he was able to stand on that pillar for like a day and a half to really test his limits and see what he is really capable of. So I decided that this morning I would test my limits just like blaine so I planned on standing at the curb at the end of my driveway for as long as possible. I ran upstairs and sprayed on some axe (went with pulse today, it apparently will get me in the rhythm, and balance and rythm are pretty much the same thing) and to enhance my balance further I just used one long straight line down my middle. anyways things were going great until i saw two guys with G-Unit hats walking towards me and I had to go inside.

Friday: I had been saving a special scent for friday...thats right, clix, the new scent endorsed by the super sexy and talented nick lachey, if it's good enough for him it's good enough for me. To make the day even more exciting I actually had a pitch counter that I could walk around with, just like in the commercial. But first I had to judge what should constitute a "click". In the commercial they "click" everytime a girl gives them a sexy stare, but my pitch counter only went to 999, and I can only assume that on an average day I far exceed that. So I decided that i would "click" everytime a girl initiated a conversation with me. Final tally for friday...1 (thank god my mom called).

Final Thoughts: Overall I would have to say it was a pretty typical week for me. But if I had to judge the most effective scent I would have to go with "orion" and as for spray technique, i figure my best bet would be to spray it directly into a girls eye and then kidnap them while they are disoriented.

On tap for this weekend: I have the whole house to myself this weekend, so as any typical 19 year old university would do I plan on building a fort, getting into my spongebob jammies, and going from there...

Foolproof

2008-06-10T12:34:00.004-04:00

I spend an exorbitant amount of time planning ways to escape situations that will never happen to me.

For instance while I was in public school I often thought about how I would handle it if liquid magma seeped under the door while I was in the bathroom.

My plan was to hop up on the weird hand-washing fountain thing Crossland PS had. Up there I would just wait until the lava hardened and then I could waltz my way out of the school and over the charred remains of my schoolmates. I would get the added benefit that the motion sensing fountain would cool my ankles with refreshing water as I waited.

This all assumes that lava can't melt plastic, and that its radiant heat could be withstood by sprinklings of ankle water. I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that both of those facts are true.

Seriously, how do people manage to die unnaturally? Tornado? Run away from it.
World War I? Don't get shot. Cancer? Just don't get it.

If the world was entirely populated by me things would be different, the population would be 10 billion, pro sports would be in shambles, and asexual reproduction would be the rage.

One day perhaps.

Tales From Work: Bringing Productivity To New Lows

2008-06-09T13:59:00.013-04:00

I'm pretty impressed that I was able to upload a picture and you should be too...

Now that hockey season is over my fun with excluding all hockey related news on the sports board at work is over, replaced by fake hockey news beginning with this piece courtesy of the onion http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/hockey_ticket_sales

and more fun at hockey's expense http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nhl_star_called_up_to_big_leagues

Old guys's response to seeing "Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly" as a headline on the board "Isn't hockey season over?" and my reply "It sure is" he gave a me a slightly confused look and then continued on with his workout...sadly nobody else has noticed.

Also how do I make those fancy links that don't show the whole address?...you know, the ones where just one or two words are highlighted and then you just click on them...I'm looking at you Brent, our blog does not yet at this moment have millions of readers worldwide, that will take at least a few weeks, possibly more if you don't include any fancy pictures and links like me.

Next time on Tales From Work, old people's response to the spice girls and other music of that nature.

Misc.

2008-06-09T12:54:00.002-04:00

Everyone who drives slower than me is old and doesn't know what they are doing.
Everyone who drives faster than me is dangerous, and a menace to all our safety.
People who drive at the same speed as me are annoying and blind spot hazards.

With the advent of the Internet, and all its wonders, I find mannequins to be far less attractive.

The twist ending of The Happening should be that it was all an M. Night Shyamalan dream.
He then slowly awakes turns to the camera and says "I shouldn't make that, that would be an awful movie."

Three Things I care far less about now than I did in Grade 2, 1) Peer pressure 2) Cursive writing and 3) The Suntots

Three Things I care about far more now than I did in Grade 2, 1) Showing people who care about things how little I care about that particular thing 2) Proper, comma, usage and 3) The Smoggies

I have no recollection of how the Billy Goats Gruff Story ends. I'm going to postulate that the goats become scared once they realize a Troll is under the bridge that they wish to cross. First they look for an alternate way to cross the chasm, but there isn't one. They try to get a beaver to cut a tree down that they can use to bridge the gap, but the beavers union wants an outrageous amount of goat dollars to commission the job.

Eventually the goats decide to make a run for it, and just like in the real wild, the Troll only eats the old and the sick, in this case being Grandpa Goat. The rest of the goats make it across the bridge to Goat City where they quickly forget about the troll and go about grazing and other goat like activities.

The thing I like about my version, is that it teaches children how it really goes down in the wild.
I would also think about replacing the bridge with a field, and the troll for a pack of wolves.