Now I'm Confused

So, Ryan might not be dead.

Although I imagine our imaginary blog readers wouldn't be surprised if they found out that Ryan's been dead for two years!!!! Ba-zing-a! (This is a reference to his infrequent blog posts, not to his actual death, which is slightly less funny.)

But last week's blog post from his log-in showed that either Ryan is alive, or he gave my old vacation buddy Dave Jett his blog log password.

OR Dave Jett somehow guessed the answer to Ryan's secret password retrieval question.

Q: "Why do the taste of pennies remind you of losing a tooth?"
A: "Because my teeth are made of pennies."

Teeth references are great. Teeth, tooth, teeth. I think the best part about having children is yanking baby teeth out of their skulls. At least, that's what my Mom seemed to take most joy in.

Another reason I think Ryan might be secretly alive.....I saw him a few weeks back and we talked about his "trip" to "Thailand". And then we talked on the phone about the Raptors and the Blue Jays and Vernon Wells, and CJ's homework, and fake strawberry flavor, and how he's totally Bert and I am totally Ernie.

But the questions mount. If Ryan really went on a trip, why didn't he tell me beforehand or at least leave a note?

Did Ryan's sugar glider Mittsy really die of "starvation" or did Ryan sacrifice it to Chrolrotagar to regain life and spend all of eternity toiling as a zombie?

When I asked if I could have some of Ryan's blood, he asked "Why?" I think the fellow doth protest too much (Shakespeare reference, boo-yah!) Don't be soooo defensive, sounds like someone doesn't want me to test their blood for zombiecron levels.

THEN when I trained some mosquitoes to draw Ryan's blood while I distracted him with video games, Ryan murdered the mosquitoes with his hand! How many animals have to die so you can live on zomb-Ryan?

ALSO, Ryan was really bad at killing zombies in the zombie killing video game. This isn't really evidence of anything though, Ryan is also bad at crafting gems, fighting streets, and catchin' 'em all.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters

Photographic proof.

I challenge Ryan to beat this score so that I can then beat him again. I AM THE GREATEST

The Viridian City Pokemon Players Present: The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT IV SCENE II. Another room in the castle.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

Safely stowed.

ROSENCRANTZ: GUILDENSTERN:

[Within] Pikachu! Pika-Pika!

HAMLET

What noise? who calls on Hamlet?
O, here they come.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachu, Pikaaaaachu!!!

HAMLET

Um, I assume you're asking me what I did with the dead body? Well, I compounded it with dust, whereto 'tis kin.

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Pika!!!

(A lightning bolt erupts from Rosencrantz' tail, it singes the curtains and gives children in the first two rows seizures.)

HAMLET

(Whispered) Seriously, what's going on, Guildernstern pick up the slack for Rosencrantz.

Guildenstern! The body is with the king, but the king is not with
the body. The king is a thing--

GUILDENSTERN

Jigglypuff jiggaly puff. Jiggaly jigglypuff. Jiggly Jiggly. Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff.

HAMLET

Forget this, I'm poisoning myself early.

A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordnance is shot off

AND SCENE....

Exactly 500 Words on Nineteenth Century High Fashion

A Historical Account of High Fashion (1800-1899)
For: Professor Gillian McClellan
By: Brent Wilson
University of Viridian City
Course MGH314

While universally adored today, many don't know the origin of the haute couture look known as the "neckbeard". Recent archaeological discoveries have placed the neckbeard back to the time of the Sumerians (present day Oakville), but the facial hairstyle takes it etymogical roots from Confederate General Arbok Beardneck from the Nineteenth Century American Civil War.

Beardneck was so consumed by battle preparations that he had time for neither personal grooming nor time to give his fanciful collection of snakes its proper attention. The latter led to the snakes growing unruly and prone to bite, as an aside this led to the naming of a snake like Pocket Monster after him in the popular Japanese Neo Geo Pocket Color Game Pocket Monsters II: Revenge of the Pocket Monsters.

As much as Beardneck was consumed with battle he was also concerned with his lasting legacy.
He foresaw the invention of the moving pictures, and with it the chance to make money on formulaic race-relations movies. As such he sought to have an African-American join his platoon of Confederate troops. When confronted by his superiors with the demand "He's not playing in that game!"

Beardneck was stern in his response "Damn right he's going to play, and we're going to win!"
The movie ends with the African American player winning whatever the Nineteenth Century War equivalent of the Heisman trophy is, after bringing both races together and winning the big game on a last second trick play of some sort.

In actuality Beardneck was turned on by his troops and murdered in his tent on Sept. 13, 1862.
The African-American escaped to sweet freedom and his grandson was the first black polo player fighting against the odds facing a prejudiced all white polo society (Wait...has polo been done yet? Must...get...agent...on.. phone quickly. I'll call it The Ride to Freedom)

Beardnecks gravestone reads "You guys will see, that will make an awesome movie....or at least a very profitable one." History has vindicated Beardneck, so whenever you see a portly fellow sporting a Neckbeard don't turn away or mock him. Embrace the spirit of Arbok Beardneck who has brought this great country so much, and aside from money and a legacy asked for so little.

And one more sentence brings it to exactly 500 words, right now. Now.