Fun Facts from Thailand!

I had a dream last night that I had to babysit my managers pet walrus and after tucking it into bed I read it some stories from this blog. Upon waking up I was like “oh yeah…I have a blog, maybe I should write something in it once in awhile”

So without further ado, I give you Fun Facts from Thailand! As many of you imaginary readers know, I spent a couple of months in Thailand or as it is sometimes known “the land of Thai” many adventures were had and many lessons learned…

Fun fact #1: Asking a girl if she’s actually a man is maybe not the best thing in the world to do (though highly effective because an actual women will be highly offended). The actual number of ladyboys there is greatly exaggerated, but you can never be too careful especially after 28 hours of flying followed by mistakenly buying a 3 litre “tower of beer”. An effective (and less offensive way) of determining gender is asking them to throw a baseball (tough to find in Thailand) do they throw like a girl? If yes, then you’re probably ok!



Fun fact #2: Monkeys don’t care about you, sure they’re cute and all but they’re only using you for your delicious fruit based drink. Upon arriving in Railai, I did a little exploring and soon encountered a small group of monkeys, though they were shy at first eventually they came close and even began to climb on me. “Wow, I thought to myself, monkeys are awesome” and soon I had envisioned running away from home and joining these group of monkeys forever. Unfortunately the feeling wasn’t mutual, I soon discovered that these monkeys didn’t care about me and my feelings at all, I was just being used for my delicious fruit based drink and the mango peels in my backpack. Once they were gone so were the monkeys…


Fun Fact #3: Accidentally smoking opium while being lost in a jungle in northern Thailand is a really neat life experience, but maybe not the best idea in the world considering there are countless numbers of animals there that have nothing better to do than to kill you for fun with their exotic venoms.

Fun Fact #4: Trying to buy a pirated DVD of the movie ‘despicable me” in Bangkok is extremely difficult. Everyone will assume you are trying to buy porn, persistence is key…


I couldn't find any pictures I took that were related to that fun fact so here's another beach!!

Setting The Record Straight

I guess I should preface this entry by clearing the air about my death....There's a lot of misinformation flying around this site, and I'm here to set it all straight.

1) I went to Thailand: This is true, I know I should have let you imaginary readers know beforehand but I just didn't know how to say goodbye...

2) I am now a zombie: partly true...while I did contract Solanum while exploring caves near the burmese border (pictured above) upon arrival at home I sacrificed my sugar glider to Chrolrotagar and my zombiecron levels are practically normal. This is also explains why I'm so bad at killing zombies in COD, it's not that I'm bad at the game...it's that part of me still relates to those zombies and I just don't feel right killing them.

3) Brent is Ernie and I am Bert: False...I can only assume this was a typo by Brent

4) I am poor at Gemcraft, Street Fighter, and Pokemon: False...In fact it's quite the opposite. I am a street fighter/gemcraft/pokemon master (not to mention a hamster flying master). I didn't want to bring this up, but did you know Brent isn't even familiar with the newer generation pokemon???

I'm sorry...that was a low blow.

Dear Imaginary Readers:

Look, Brent and I have provided you with endless hours of entertainment over the past year and have asked for nothing in return...well that's gonna change, due to the change in the economic climate and the fact that I don't have any real friends I'm not blogging anymore until somebody takes me to the zoo...usually I avoid the outdoors due to fear of bee`s and sharp sticks but I`ll make an exception for this.

we'll have oh so much fun...we can see the monkeys and giraffe's and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They don't live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies...

I`ll bring a blanket and we can sit in the shade and we can whisper secrets in each others ears...I have lots of secrets...mostly fantasies revolving around Micheal Landons character in the show `little house on the prairie`` I bet he knew the name of those dog-like animals that live on the prairies

Do you ever wonder if the animals at the zoo are actually just actors dressed up in animal costumes? yeah me neither. Though if I had a pet giraffe i would make him a giraffe costume and then I would take him out and say "hey everyone, look at my giraffe" and they would say "that's not a real giraffe, i can see the zipper" and then they would be shocked when they found out it was a real giraffe all along...If I did this often enough than eventually people wouldn't question me about it and would just assume it's a real giraffe. Then I could put my friends in the giraffe suit and sneak them into the movies for free (giraffe's don't have to pay to see movies)

so just lemme know in the comments section the date and time you want to pick me up...

Local Blog Writer Has Headline Submissions Rejected by Fake News Comedy Site For "Not Being Funny", Shows List to Imaginary Readers Instead

I hope you don't mind competition "Unnamed Stupid Website" because these zingers will certainly steal your entire readership and bankrupt your company and then you'll have to write applications to write for me. And then I'll be the bigger man and hire all of you and be nice.....for about a week just to get to know your darkest fears to use them against you, and also to get to know your significant others and sleep with them on your respective Anniversaries. Here's step one of that plan, unveil awesome headlines to world.

Leopard Changes Spots, Still Huge Jerk

Scientists Claim Global Warming To End Weather, Every Old Person In World Left With Nothing To Talk About

Stereotypical Asian Health Action Figure Company With Poor English Translation Skills Puzzled By Low Third Quarter Sales. Hope "A Doll Fit Lir! N" To Have Strong Hanukkah Season.

The Onion Lame, Brent's Headlines Totally Funny and Concise Claims Entire Worlds Population.

Guy Everyone Hates Ironically Murdered In Hate Crime

President of Kamchatka Shocked To Learn "Risk" Game Board Not Accurate World Map, Calls Purple Horses and Cannons Back From Irkutsk's Border

Local Man With Chris Hansen Fetish Disappointed To Find That 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo He Met Online Is Actually 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo

Onions Make People Cry Due to Sulfuric Acid, Or Mean Rejection Letters, Not Due To Laughter Like Brent Makes Us

Nigerian Prince Confused As Electronic Philanthropic Efforts Are Miserable Failure

Coyote Preys On Roadrunner in Front of California Primary School, Destroys Childhood Innocence.

Writing Every Word To Start With A Capital Letter Makes My Head Hurt, Maybe I Actually Wasn't Cut Out For This And Getting Shut Down Was A Blessing In Disguise

Local Blog Writer Quickly Rationalizes Rejection In An Attempt To Keep Soul From Getting Trampled At Losing Life Long Dream

Brent and Ryan Only Third Most Prominent Ryan and Brent on Internet

It says so right on Google....lowly, lowly, third place on a "Ryan and Brent" Google search. Third out of 8,480 is not too bad I guess, but that is a lot of Ryan and Brents. To avoid any possible confusion, here's a quick primer of the Ryan and Brents we are not.

Fake Ryan and Brent 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BjuG-Zrt4M)

WE ARE NOT two guys who have pinned their dreams of stardom on hoping that a girl being almost as hot as a real celebrity will overcome the fact that she can't sing or act or remember the words to her song or have a normal name. "Better Off" Miaa Rose? Really? Well I need to take this "Sweater Off" because I am on fire with all of the putdowns I just used on you and your so-called Ryan and Brent. And you should do the same as you have been severely verbally burned. And then I will put my Sweater back on as the door to my tiny balcony keeps coming open and it's cold in my tiny apartment.

It is shocking how similar we look to that Ryan and Brent though....

Fake Ryan and Brent 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_mjtj-Z18s)

Sigh. WE ARE NOT these guys either. How is this more entertaining than Pokemon Hamlet?.....alright bad example. You know what FR&B2? If using puppets to do a cover of a thirty year old Muppets piece is what it takes to make it to the almost top...well then I guess I'll settle for being number three, since I have a little something called comedic standards.
(Please ignore Pokemon Hamlet)
www.ebay.ca/search/funnierthanotherryanandbrentpuppets. Dammit, zero results, NO! Why did I cut and paste that url here! Oh man, and both my backspace and delete buttons are broken. It's like working on a typewriter here. A typewriter that for some reasons thinks those awful puppets are better than me. And a typewriter that saves my brothers past indiscretions for all eternity.

So those are the only two more famous Ryan and Brents out there....but of the thousands of other losers these are my favorite. WE ARE NOT this Ryan and Brent, but oh how I wish we were. (http://www.200b.org/images/ryanwed/) A photogallery of Ryan's wedding to Lindsay! Brent gets dressed for the wedding in a WalMart parking lot. Ryan gets married in a gymnasium, Brent wears khakis and a plaid shirt. Ryan and Brent are Chicago Bears Superfans with matching custom jerseys, Ryan is awkwardly out of place at a bar, Oh Evansville, Illinois Ryan and Brent, so much like us......Seriously, there's even a Kyle in there. Wait! www.200b.org has it's own website, subtitled "Six Crazy Guys, One Crazy Apartment".

Nothing says crazy guys inhabiting a crazy apartment quite like making signs reminding roommates to clean up, or a photogallery of Ryan and Brent fighting, or even Ryan using gravy as shampoo. It must be a Ryan and Brent thing since these guys look exactly like us as well.

And to sum up the rest of the losers, this Ryan and Brent are NOT members of Hellafied Funk Crew, a live hardcore hip-hop band, editors of The FutureStock Review, the founding members of Panic! At The Disco, or avid cyclists, who have logged thousands of miles on two wheels, and whose vision is to revolutionize cycling apparel as we know it.

Come to think of it, since our readership is almost entirely composed of imaginary people, our standing is probably much higher on the leading imaginary search engine: √(-1)

That is the nerdiest joke in the history of time. I think spending all this time reading about Evansville Brent has somehow caused my brain to meld with his. I'm struggling to distinguish my own memories from his khaki-tinted ones. Oh well, good thing I look awesome in plaid. Congrats on the nuptials Ryan!

Blog-iatus

I've read all your angry imaginary e-mails and comments about lack of content...and all I can say is "YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!"

With Ryan moving into a new place sans internet due to various "child porn being traced to the landlord concerns", and with my losing my mind over the Blue Jays teasing me with a ten game win streak we're far too busy this week to update.

That doesn't mean we don't care. I care so much it hurts.

Oh Lord! Why must we hurt the ones we hit?

Tales From Work: A Case Of The Mondays

I realize it's tuesday, but this story happened yesterday and I was too busy playing my new favourite game onslaught and trying to contact the building manager / a plumber, so for ease of writing lets just assume it's monday...

So It's my last week here at the gym, and as many of our imaginary readers have noticed I haven't written a "Tales From Work" installment in quite some time, take this rambling e-mail i received just the other day from an anonymous reader

Dear Ryinandbrant:

what hppened to the "ttales from work" installment? I quite enjyed hearing your veiws aboutr old people such asmyself as well as the wonderful expirements. I apolgise for the typing, but a rcent acident has left me too weak to type with any acuracy...so much rain here, does your gym do rehab?

Well anonymous reader, there's actually a reason why the experiments on tales from work have ceased. In a turn of events that nobody could have ever foreseen, I've actually taking a liking to these old guys, In fact I was going to start a new weekly segment titled "Old People: God's Gift To The World" but as you can see that didn't happen, all because of today...

It started out much like a regular monday. I wrote my usual sports board chock full of errors and waited to see how long it would take somebody to notice that I put ukraine 3rd in the medal standing, and that the headline "hawaii wins little league world series, putting and end to the united states run of 3 straight" doesn't make sense. (nobody did...I don't think anybody reads my sports board)

While I did this I couldn't help but notice one of our members had been in the bathroom for an awfully long time...terrified that he might be dead I was getting up to investigate when he appeared from the bathroom and said "the bathrooms broken" and then continued into the gym area to work out leaving me to investigate what he meant...

unfortunately by "the bathroom is broken" he meant "I just clogged the toilet and made a mess everywhere" I don't really want to talk about anything that happened after that because it makes me cry, lets just say it was a pretty shitty day (pun intended) and I hate old people

...and apparently they can't digest peas.

...and apparently they love them.

Et tu Chuck E?

Now not only is Titanic a giant baked good for kids, but now the Hindenburg is a prominently featured poster at a terrible arcade for kids.

It's posed right like it was before it a'sploded...floating in the air. Just think of all those colourfully drawn people from the poster who burned up. Do you want that imaginary blood on your hands Charles? Our imaginary readership wouldn't take to kindly to a mouse doused in imaginary blood. (X2 JOKE POINTS FOR RHYMING)

Maybe if the Hindenburg had a lying old lady like the Titanic I would be less aghast at this. She lied and stole and threw that necklace into the ocean for this, if an old lady threw a photo locket off the balcony and into the depths of New Jersey I think that would make for a dramatic movie climax as well.

I understand that Titanic was (and my movie idea Hindenburg 2000! would make) a popular and profitable movie...but people remember it actually happened right? This isn't like making a shoot-asteroids at the Earth Armageddon type arcade game. Or a much more serious and boring talking about shooting asteroids at the Earth Deep Impact style arcade/lecture game.

I go to Chuck E Cheese to have fun, these things and terrible games only bring me down, the Head Cheese's (PUN) working there seem to imagine people think of Chuck E Cheese as a terrible casino, with disaster themed slot machines and spider ring prizes.

The only games I like are games that involve balls, skeetball, regular basketball, childrens' basketball, photo-booth ball, hover-ball thing, Ninja Turtles in Time Arcade Ball Game, pushing kids in the ball pit, and of course elderly basketball. Tickets are an ancillary prize to be enjoyed when the winning at everything is done, really I wish that tokens were a redeemable prize where in theory if you sink enough hoops playing oldsketball you could play forever.

Sadly that's not reality, the reality I live in involves Titanic-based tomfoolery and Morgan Freeman narrated asteroid lectures, or maybe even Morgan Freeman Rainy Driving: The Game.

Disaster + Time + Cookies = Fun

I was going to make a post entitled "So...I'm Pretty the Best at Gemcraft." Inside which I would regale everyone how I was at level 91 and I would have a photo with MS-Paint doctored proof to back up my claims.

But I didn't, because I am a good person.

And also three pairs of similar entries in a row is about three too many....and I don't really know how to use MS Paint to follow through with that plan, and I wouldn't have been able to keep my post about Gemcraft as delightfully ramble-free as Ryan did.

Side note: When did being rambly or random become good things? A rambling post about a non-existent response post about levelship in a free online game to an imaginary readership is probably not the best place to make this point.

ANYWAY,

I was driving to town the other day when I caught sight of this of some commotion out of the corner of my eye.

Some girls soccer team was having a fundraiser by the lake and a bake-sale was the main attraction.

I would've eaten some delicious cookies myself but the line was like a hundred people long and it cost $5 per baked item. I also wouldn't have been able to have anyone take a picture of my face as it registered disgust, as they were selling giant cookies....Titanic sized-cookies if you will. So to register this fact they made the cookies boat-shaped and decorated them like the Titanic.

I would also like a picture of myself flopping the the lake, freezing cold and about to sink in the icy blue waves, while enjoying the tasty treat.

These cookies doesn't go far enough, children should be able to eat, and laugh and also play on all sorts of different types of human tragedy. Water parks should be full of Hindenburgs that burst and splash children with water, the Tangiwai Langhi would make an even better slide than the boring old Titanic, and way more people died in that which of course equals way more fun.
Anyone for Branch Davidian Brownies?

Look, I even restrained myself from making a Twin Towers/Drop-Zone type reference.
It'll still be like forty years before such an attraction will be fun.

Sports Update: Continued Use of Confusingly Similar Blog Entries Enrage Nonexistent Readership

Booked the day off of not watching the Jays yesterday to watch the Jays (unless of course you read this blog Swayne, in which case, I was not watching the Jays). I think this showed great dedication on my part, especially after the ninth inning meltdown the night prior.

This dedication was rewarded as I was granted the news scoop of the century.

Dateline- Arlington Texas

'Tis the sixth inning of a back and forth Jays-Rangers game, Michael Young hits a dangerous curving shot to deep right field, Jays RF Brad Wilkerson leaps at the wall.

Despite this fans best intentions Wilkerson was able to make the catch (trap the ball on the wall)
and bring the Jays one out closer to sweet, sweet victory..

..wait a minute.

This fan looks strangely familiar.











Really Bartman? That was the best you could do? Move to Texas, change what side of the field you interfere on, stop listening to the games on the radio, and grow a horrendous disguise beard?

At the very least he does look much happier in his new locale.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPORTS UPDATE WITH A FASHION UPDATE:

Look, if you're going to wear a baseball glove to the game there is a simple rule...you have to be under 13 years old. If you're going to make yourself look like a fool the least you could do would be to change which arm you wear your watch on. Am I right ladies? For shame Bartman, for shame.

So yeah, I found Bartman. I am the best.

With this groundbreaking blog entry posted, and the news broken, I expect tons of media attention for finally locating Bartman. It wasn't easy but I did it.

I reach Level 34 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries.

A Strongly Worded Letter To A Fellow Blogger / E-Harmony

Really Brent? I came back from my one week vacation from the sunny beaches of Canada to find not a single post last week? Do even know how many angry e-mails I received from angry blog readers this morning? Zero! Our readers were so outraged that in retaliation they didn't bother to write anything either...not even any comments about how I've opened their eyes to the wonderful world of telletubies. Instead I just had 23 e-mails from the e-harmony account I created last friday when i was bored at work...

Which brings me to you E-Harmony...First of all, despite answering all questions with brutal honesty my personality profile is way off...helping others before I help myself? I don't think so, If Brent and I were to go on an African Safari trip and he were to be chased by a hungry hungry hippo, would I risk my life to save his? Defintely not, especially not after the stunt he pulled last week.

A steady personality? I don't think so E-Harmony, I am a volcano of emotion ready to erupt at any moment. I'm like the volcano on that show I watched on Discovery HD last week "supervolcano". My eruptions may be rare but once my magma chamber fills to a certain level even a small eruption could trigger a super eruption covering the entire earth in ash and triggering the next ice age.....(I probably could have come up with a better analogy there)

And finally E-Harmony, how am i supposed to tell if the people you matched me with are fat if I can't see a picture of them? You can say our personalities are "perfectly matched" all you want but I specifically told you that the fitness level of my matches was "extremely important" to me and I can't tell unless I see a picture. Also 59.95 for one month? really? Now I'll never know if me and Jaclyn, 22 from London are soul mates. She describes herself as easy-going, loyal, and funny. She's a cook who claims to have a passion for food and a "great sence of humour" (I can look past her poor spelling) but has her passion for food gone too far? Because that is something I can't look past, and a picture is the only way for me to judge that.