Local Blog Writer Has Headline Submissions Rejected by Fake News Comedy Site For "Not Being Funny", Shows List to Imaginary Readers Instead

I hope you don't mind competition "Unnamed Stupid Website" because these zingers will certainly steal your entire readership and bankrupt your company and then you'll have to write applications to write for me. And then I'll be the bigger man and hire all of you and be nice.....for about a week just to get to know your darkest fears to use them against you, and also to get to know your significant others and sleep with them on your respective Anniversaries. Here's step one of that plan, unveil awesome headlines to world.

Leopard Changes Spots, Still Huge Jerk

Scientists Claim Global Warming To End Weather, Every Old Person In World Left With Nothing To Talk About

Stereotypical Asian Health Action Figure Company With Poor English Translation Skills Puzzled By Low Third Quarter Sales. Hope "A Doll Fit Lir! N" To Have Strong Hanukkah Season.

The Onion Lame, Brent's Headlines Totally Funny and Concise Claims Entire Worlds Population.

Guy Everyone Hates Ironically Murdered In Hate Crime

President of Kamchatka Shocked To Learn "Risk" Game Board Not Accurate World Map, Calls Purple Horses and Cannons Back From Irkutsk's Border

Local Man With Chris Hansen Fetish Disappointed To Find That 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo He Met Online Is Actually 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo

Onions Make People Cry Due to Sulfuric Acid, Or Mean Rejection Letters, Not Due To Laughter Like Brent Makes Us

Nigerian Prince Confused As Electronic Philanthropic Efforts Are Miserable Failure

Coyote Preys On Roadrunner in Front of California Primary School, Destroys Childhood Innocence.

Writing Every Word To Start With A Capital Letter Makes My Head Hurt, Maybe I Actually Wasn't Cut Out For This And Getting Shut Down Was A Blessing In Disguise

Local Blog Writer Quickly Rationalizes Rejection In An Attempt To Keep Soul From Getting Trampled At Losing Life Long Dream

I Went to the Ex, yeah.

I have always contended that the CNE is lame, and that I would never, ever, EVer, EVER, EVAR go to such an event.

I feel strongly that agricultural fairs are an antiquated system of fun deliverance and are obsolete in a much more modern world full of talking picture frames and rapping video games. (X2 JOKE MULTIPLIER FOR RHYMING)

(-700 JOKE POINTS FOR JOKE REPEATING)

....and also those midway basketball hoops are nowhere near regulation size.

So it was with great trepidation that I agreed to go this week. Knowing that I had often stated "I am never going to the Ex." and "If you see me at the CNE feel free to push me into various fountains" I knew I needed a disguise of some sort. Something that people who know me would know I would never wear. Luckily the Little League World Series sent me a blessed idea from the heavens that arrived on an oversized, ugly, un-brimmed chariot.

That's right a flat brimmed gigantic 5950 baseball cap. I'm shuddering just remembering having to glop it onto my head. The beads are not part of the disguise, I just happened to be able to amass them from the Mardi Gras parade due to my awesome rack, ability to shout "BEADS!", and the fact that I have longer arms than children and old ladies.

The squintyness was not part of the disguise either, it was just really bright or something.
I also like how I have smile lines on my cheeks and that my lips are kinda curled into a smile, but nothing on the rest of my face indicates happiness....I couldn't even fake that I liked the Ex.

But it wasn't all bad, apart from feeling bad for all the gigantic livestock wandering around we also got to go to the farm pavilion and see some farm animals (zing! Take that fat people, I know you're not used to being made fun of, but someone had to say it), farm animals who apparently think I smell like something they enjoy smelling.


Thank god there is no pictoral evidence of when they started butting heads and scared me and made me scream like a lady.

The other part where I had fun was when me and my friends were all like "Do you think those firemen will spray us if we ask nicely?" And then we all giggled and ran up to them and jumped up and down and yelled "spray me! spray me! I bet you can't spray me!" And then they sprayed us, and it was soooo much fun.
And that was pretty much it, apart from a terrible dog show, and waiting in line but never getting to play Rock Band, or eat a Bison Burger

Final Brent Grade for CNE: 2 stars out of 5.

Then on the way home the 427 was closed so I had to take highway 27 instead, on the long country roads I could actually see the stars through my moon-roof, they were very pretty.

Final Brent Grade for Stars: 4 CNE's out of 5.

Life Lessons

I've made a huge mistake....

At this very moment I am at work listening to a CD called "Opera without words" (which is exactly what it sounds like) while playing a little game called "the poem game" (which is exactly as fun as it sounds)

for those of you at home who aren't familiar with the game, and would like to play at home here's how you play: You'll need two people (one of whom is old) and a computer. The old person recites a line of poetry that he can remember, then the second person on the computer tries to find the entire poem on the internet and in the rare case he does, he then reads the entire poem to the old person out loud who then replies "ah yes i remember that one" and this goes on and on until he finishes his workout.


There's a lesson to be learned in all of this, and that is never be nice to old people or pretend to be interested in anything they say. This would have never come about had I not pretended to show interest in his book "victorian parlour poems" (which i might add he is bringing to his next workout)