Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Overweight!

I did it!!!

Last night I officially became overweight* with a meal that would have made Michael Phelps proud...check this out Michael.

appetizers
  • Table bread 1/2 loaf with 2 oz. butter.... 403 calories, 46 g. of fat
  • Mushrooms Neptune 1 serving (i'm assuming that means the whole platter right?) 380 calories, 31g of fat (and very possibly much. much more)
  • Calamari (once again assuming 1 serving means entire platter) 646 calories, 36g of fat
  • 1/4 serving of crab and cheese dip...278 calories, 18.6g of fat.

Entree

  • Keg Size New York Peppercorn Steak...1113 calories, 76.3g of fat
  • Garlic Mashed Potatoes...382 calories...22.1g of fat
  • Baked Parmesan Tomato...38 calories, 1.7g of fat

Other peoples food

Fortunately for me C.J. was sick, and apparently does not like prime rib, and as always my dad filled up on pop, and then overestimated his eating abilities...

  • C.J's small prime rib...794 calories, 64g of fat.
  • 1/3 of dad's Keg size prime rib...443 calories, 36.3g of fat
  • C.J's frizzled onions...138 calories, 7.1g of fat.
  • Dad's vegetable medley, 124 calories, 1.2g of fat.

Dessert

  • Billy Miner Pie (keg size)...884 calories, 36g of fat
  • stealthy bite of cj's brownie sundae while he wasn't looking...???

Totals: 5,623 calories, 376.3g of fat (not including the keg size extra spicy caesar because no nutritional information was available)


To put that into perspective the average healthy male should consume 2500 calories, and 70-80g of fat in an entire day. I easily doubled the calories, and almost put 5 times the amount of fat in my body in a span of an hour.


hmmm, I just realized this entire blog consisted of me listing my dinner, and had nothing interesting whatsoever...much like brents blog about puns (zing!)** To make it up to you here is a picture of a baby penguin.





*overweight according to the BMI
** your puns were actually pretty good

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Here are some puns.

Canadian Christopher Neil sentenced in pedophile trial in Thailand.

Well, you do the Thai, you do the time.

I came up with this next pun after realizing that Tim Hortons and Timothy's had astonishingly similar names (both contain the first name Timothy or derivations thereof) and wanted to come up with my own coffee shop name.

So my idea was for it to be called "Horton Serves a Brew".

In quotes that brought up zero results in Google, which I believe makes it un-sueable for copyright infringement.

Are either or those even puns? Hmm, this was a pretty terrible blog entry, as penance here's a picture of me eating two double scoop ice cream cones in front of a hungry four year old.


Later on he cried. He was being a Drama Dairy Queen, or you could say I "Basked" in "Robbin'" him of ice cream......CJ stood for "Ceriously Jilted".

I "Played-mean" and he "Screamed."

It was a "Rocky Road" of emotions.

Something something "Rum Raisin" CJ was sad, something something, "Chunky Monkey".

That Pralines and Cream pun was a bit of a stretch.

Alright I think that's enough.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sports Update: Olympic Version!!!




Since when are 14 year olds allowed in the olympics??? Not only is it making me feel bad that at age 23 I have yet to qualify for a single olympic event, let alone win a gold medal, but looking at a 14 year old boy in a speedo makes me feel like I'm doing something very wrong.


Also, this is synchronized diving, you can't have a 14 year old diving next to 26 year old. They shouldn't just dive the same, but they should look the same. If I were president of the olympics (is that a thing?) it would be a three tenth deduction if you don't look the same. Now I know what you're thinking...wouldn't that give a huge advantage to the asian and african american teams? Well yes, it would, but here's my thinking...the chinese are going to win anyways, and as we all know african americans can't swim.


speaking of racism...you know who's a racist? Hayley Wickenheiser. Now I already knew this because a google search of "Hayley Wickenheiser is a racist" came back with 440 hits. But last night while watching the canadian softball team vs chinese taipei (which for some reason she was a commentator for) she pointed out that the chinese taipei team looked tired....Now I guess she isn't used to seeing asians as hockey is the whitest sport in the world, but seriously, someone needs to tell her that's just how they look. I was half expecting her to comment that the reason they were having trouble hitting was because they were squinting.


oh...ok so apparently Hayley Wickenheiser played softball for canada during the 2000 olympics...which means that her comment wasn't ignorant, but just flat out racist...or perhaps they actually were tired. but either way I think this proves that Hayley Wickenheiser is a man.


Monday, August 11, 2008

Disaster + Time + Cookies = Fun

I was going to make a post entitled "So...I'm Pretty the Best at Gemcraft." Inside which I would regale everyone how I was at level 91 and I would have a photo with MS-Paint doctored proof to back up my claims.

But I didn't, because I am a good person.

And also three pairs of similar entries in a row is about three too many....and I don't really know how to use MS Paint to follow through with that plan, and I wouldn't have been able to keep my post about Gemcraft as delightfully ramble-free as Ryan did.

Side note: When did being rambly or random become good things? A rambling post about a non-existent response post about levelship in a free online game to an imaginary readership is probably not the best place to make this point.

ANYWAY,

I was driving to town the other day when I caught sight of this of some commotion out of the corner of my eye.

Some girls soccer team was having a fundraiser by the lake and a bake-sale was the main attraction.

I would've eaten some delicious cookies myself but the line was like a hundred people long and it cost $5 per baked item. I also wouldn't have been able to have anyone take a picture of my face as it registered disgust, as they were selling giant cookies....Titanic sized-cookies if you will. So to register this fact they made the cookies boat-shaped and decorated them like the Titanic.

I would also like a picture of myself flopping the the lake, freezing cold and about to sink in the icy blue waves, while enjoying the tasty treat.

These cookies doesn't go far enough, children should be able to eat, and laugh and also play on all sorts of different types of human tragedy. Water parks should be full of Hindenburgs that burst and splash children with water, the Tangiwai Langhi would make an even better slide than the boring old Titanic, and way more people died in that which of course equals way more fun.
Anyone for Branch Davidian Brownies?

Look, I even restrained myself from making a Twin Towers/Drop-Zone type reference.
It'll still be like forty years before such an attraction will be fun.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

So...I'm Pretty Good At Gemcraft


In case you can't make that out it says level 82....you should be impressed. You should also be impressed that I was able to take a screenshot of the computer. And perhaps most of all, you should be impressed at how short I was able to keep this blog without rambling on...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sports Update: Continued Use of Confusingly Similar Blog Entries Enrage Nonexistent Readership

Booked the day off of not watching the Jays yesterday to watch the Jays (unless of course you read this blog Swayne, in which case, I was not watching the Jays). I think this showed great dedication on my part, especially after the ninth inning meltdown the night prior.

This dedication was rewarded as I was granted the news scoop of the century.

Dateline- Arlington Texas

'Tis the sixth inning of a back and forth Jays-Rangers game, Michael Young hits a dangerous curving shot to deep right field, Jays RF Brad Wilkerson leaps at the wall.

Despite this fans best intentions Wilkerson was able to make the catch (trap the ball on the wall)
and bring the Jays one out closer to sweet, sweet victory..

..wait a minute.

This fan looks strangely familiar.











Really Bartman? That was the best you could do? Move to Texas, change what side of the field you interfere on, stop listening to the games on the radio, and grow a horrendous disguise beard?

At the very least he does look much happier in his new locale.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPORTS UPDATE WITH A FASHION UPDATE:

Look, if you're going to wear a baseball glove to the game there is a simple rule...you have to be under 13 years old. If you're going to make yourself look like a fool the least you could do would be to change which arm you wear your watch on. Am I right ladies? For shame Bartman, for shame.

So yeah, I found Bartman. I am the best.

With this groundbreaking blog entry posted, and the news broken, I expect tons of media attention for finally locating Bartman. It wasn't easy but I did it.

I reach Level 34 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

Booked the day off work yesterday to watch the major league debut of Canadian Scott Richmond (unless ofcourse you read this blog Wayne, in which case I really did have an ear infection but I'm happy to report that I'm all better now) Unfortunately the TV had other ideas and decided to instead show reruns of poker, which in the end may have been for the best as the blue jays lack of clutch hitting would have angered me and I have been known to take out that anger on anything in range, including CJ, the remote control, and a perfectly good bowl of sun chips.

Back onto Poker...I hate poker, and I don't care what anyone says there is no skill involved, it's just like a game of war, or go fish, or hockey. Not only do I not like poker but I don't like anybody who plays poker. off the top of my head I can only think of those people on the poker commercials, and matts sundin. Matts sundin loves poker, I know this because a google search for "matts sundin loves poker" came back with 6770 hits. (Using this method I also discovered corn flakes kill people, and that pants are made of ghosts)

And in other sports related news...

I beat Carter and CJ in a dunk contest yesterday becoming what I believe to be the first person to ever win a dunk contest while wearing a moustache.

Matts Sundin continues to delay his decision on whether he will play next year, no doubt concerned that playing hockey will cut into his online poker time.

Team Catfish looks to win the cottage cup this weekend in the annual Cottage Softball Weekend Tournament.

And in non sports related news...

Hand sanitizer at front desk develops clog forcing streams of melon scented sanitizer into the face of unsuspecting members causing laughter, false promises to fix it by me.

I reach level 32 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries

Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Strongly Worded Reply to A Fellow Blogger

I can explain baby, baby why won't you let me explain?

You see while you were on a week long vacation on the sunny beaches of Canada, I was on a week long vacation on the sunny streets of Canada City. And what a glorious week it was, I went to a Canada City Baseball-Fellows game and watched it from the lower deck instead of the 500 level tickets I paid for, I ate obscene amounts of Mike and/or Ike's, I saw a movie about The Bat Man, but most importantly I went to the Canada City Animal Containment Observatory.


The best thing about the CCACO is that the hungry hungry hippos are contained safely in a pool, that way they can't attack me. Here's a picture!

Just look at how hungry that hungry pygmy hippo looks. And if Ryan was that log (which coincidentally replicates his skinny build exactly)
would I jump in to save the day?

No, hippos are dangerous and highly territorial.
But for the sake of attempting to guilt him I will pretend to say yes instead.

Two other highlights of the visit to the CCACO were staring deeply into a Goliath bird-eating spiders tank to attempt to spot it. I caught a glimpse of yellow hair and thought that must be it, alas it was only a dead chick for the spider to devour.

We also got to see the cute Surinam toad. It was sitting on the edge of its pool and then dropped into the water where it slowly began to do backflips. It kept on backflippin' right to the bottom of the tank where it laid to rest on its back...and then it didn't move, we came back half an hour later but it was still on its back not moving on the floor of the water. So yeah, I saw a Surinam toad die in front of me. I didn't expect that when I decided to go to Canada City.

That's some pretty heavy stuff right? Isn't that a decent excuse for not writing while I was away?

A Strongly Worded Letter To A Fellow Blogger / E-Harmony

Really Brent? I came back from my one week vacation from the sunny beaches of Canada to find not a single post last week? Do even know how many angry e-mails I received from angry blog readers this morning? Zero! Our readers were so outraged that in retaliation they didn't bother to write anything either...not even any comments about how I've opened their eyes to the wonderful world of telletubies. Instead I just had 23 e-mails from the e-harmony account I created last friday when i was bored at work...

Which brings me to you E-Harmony...First of all, despite answering all questions with brutal honesty my personality profile is way off...helping others before I help myself? I don't think so, If Brent and I were to go on an African Safari trip and he were to be chased by a hungry hungry hippo, would I risk my life to save his? Defintely not, especially not after the stunt he pulled last week.

A steady personality? I don't think so E-Harmony, I am a volcano of emotion ready to erupt at any moment. I'm like the volcano on that show I watched on Discovery HD last week "supervolcano". My eruptions may be rare but once my magma chamber fills to a certain level even a small eruption could trigger a super eruption covering the entire earth in ash and triggering the next ice age.....(I probably could have come up with a better analogy there)

And finally E-Harmony, how am i supposed to tell if the people you matched me with are fat if I can't see a picture of them? You can say our personalities are "perfectly matched" all you want but I specifically told you that the fitness level of my matches was "extremely important" to me and I can't tell unless I see a picture. Also 59.95 for one month? really? Now I'll never know if me and Jaclyn, 22 from London are soul mates. She describes herself as easy-going, loyal, and funny. She's a cook who claims to have a passion for food and a "great sence of humour" (I can look past her poor spelling) but has her passion for food gone too far? Because that is something I can't look past, and a picture is the only way for me to judge that.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Blogging From The Past!



Far too early to be creative so instead here's a blog from the past...

If your anything like me there's something that you have to do before you get your day started. Something that if you don't do, it throws your whole day off. for some poeple it's something simple like showering or eating breakfast, for others it might be going to the gym, or reading the newspaper, maybe even watching the sports highlights. But if your anything like me it's watching teletubbies on pbs kids. I've heard some people call teletubbies "a show for babies" but they're wrong, teletubbies can be enjoyed by everyone regardless of age, If you ask me teletubbies is not "a show for babies", but in fact, the perfect show, and here's why...

1) simplicity: you have four characters: tinky-winky, dipsy, lala, and poe. All of them are colour coded and are different sizes, so you'll never get confused, they don't spring random characters on you all of a sudden. You can be confident that when you sit down to watch an episode of teletubbies, you won't see anything other then these four characters (with the exception of the occasional bunny rabbit, and baby in the sun)

2) No plot: How many times has this,or something like this happened to you? Your watching an episode of the OC when you make a comment that you haven't seen marissa in awhile. people give you a weird look and proceed to tell you that marissa is dead. terrible isn't it? but thats what happens on most tv shows with a basic plot, things change. But not teletubbies, nothing ever changes in teletubby land, missed yesterdays episode? doesn't matter, todays episode will have absolutely nothing to do with it.

3) sensory stimulation: there's so many colours, and lots of music, and dancing.

4) educational value: not only will you be entertained beyond your wildest dreams, but you'll learn valuable life lessons. Today for example I found out what a circle looks like, and that sharing can be fun. won't learn that anywhere else.

5) tummy vision: how many so called 'adult shows" have tummy vision? thats right, zero!

Now the only problem with teletubbies is that sometimes when my friends ask me what happened, I can never seem to recall, it's so good that everything just seems to blend together into one enormous happy blur . so today while watching i brought down my notebook, and took somewhat detailed notes on what was happening scene by scene....

The epsidode started like all other episodes, with the theme song, and then that magical fan whirling, and then that speakerphone thingy coming out of the ground and announcing "it's time for teletubbies" the teletubbies then emerge from behind the hills and proceed to introduce themselves in case of the unlikely event that you forgot who was who, or have never seen the show. The teletubbies then join hands and do a poorly choreographed dance though the hills of teletubby land.

The next scene starts with a blank yellow screen, then poe appears, and dances and soon multiplies while the narrator (who has a lovely soothing british accent) counts the number of poe's. This continues until three, then the screen changes to orange and the same thing happens with lala. no sign of dipsy (my favourite teletubby) or tinky winky (my least favourite teletubby)

hooray! dipsy is here in the next scene with poe. They walk in a circular motion dropping different colours of sand where they have walked. In the end they have formed a circle. they stop and look at the circle confused, fortunately the narrator informs them it is a circle. dipsy and poe proceed to say the word 'circle" while giggling. the circle then dissapears and the process is repeated.

Tummy vision time!! on todays tummy vision we peer into dipsy's tummy and see a group of british children making art with coloured sand. I'm concerned with the lack of parental supervision, not so much for the kids sake, but for the arts sake. My fears prove to be true and the final product is substandard.

The next scene is perhaps my favourite of the day. A swing magically appears in teletubby land in front of lala. lala seems unsure of this swing, but eventually conquers any doubts and proceeds to ride the swing. Poe appears soon after and stands beside the swing, swinging her arms in unison with lala's swinging. both of them seem overjoyed. This goes on for awhile until the narrator suggests that maybe lala should share the swing with poe. Lala thinks this is a great idea, and lets poe on the swing, but disaster soon strikes as poe falls of the swing (and by fall i mean get off the swing, spin around a few times, do an odd dance, and fall to the ground...perhaps the least believable fall ever, but i'm not sure i could handle the stress of poe falling for realsies) anyways this continues for her first three times , but then lala shows her how and on her fourth attempt she succeeds. she is a wonderful swinger.

The final scene focuses on some bunny rabbits for a minute, then switches over to the teletubbies who have their arms linked and seem to be playing a game of copy cat. tinky winky does one action and then the others proceed to copy him. this ranges from simple actions such as moving their fingers to very complex actions such as jumping or balancing on one foot. (poe seems to have trouble with the balancing, perhaps the reason she had trouble on the swing) The speakerphone then rises from the ground and announces that it's time for the teletubies to say goodbye. they say there goodbye's then proceed to a jump into the hole where i can only assume they live. thus concluding another incredible episode.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Continuity

A member of my family got fired from their job because they urinated in the company parking lot during their shift.

Wait a minute, I promised to keep that a secret, this much shorter writing topic has hilariously not worked to my benefit as I intended.

Damn you WishMaster!

I wish I had never stumbled upon your amulet filled tomb.

Dear Diary....

...one of these days I'm going to get three wishes granted to me by some sort of specter.
I really hope it's a giant blue one who cracks jokes to me and my monkey pal Abu.

Most of the time when I think about things that will never happen to me it doesn't really affect my life once I'm done plotting how I would avoid certain death, or how I would kick the ninja's throwing stars back at him.

But the scenario where I am granted wishes has. I now avoid saying "I wish..." at all costs, maybe I've been granted limited secret wishes that I don't know about, and if not it's still good practice for when I get real wishes.....although if I do have secret wishes I guess that plan is the worst one in human history if I keep it up.

Everyone knows wishes don't come cheap, maybe it's punishment for cutting off Abu's paw and using it for the illicit wish giving powers monkey paws possess that makes wishes come with a twist.

Or maybe it's just a metaphor to teach morals that doesn't quite work, just like every fairy tale. (Seriously what am I supposed to get out of Jack and the Beanstalk? Trading valuable things for worthless things like beans is...good?!?!?!)

Another terrible consequence is that you can never casually "wish" for something ever again.
I don't know why but I always imagine the same scenario for accidental wishes, I'm walking, I'm tired, I still have quite a ways to go and I had to wear my uncomfortable shoes because I wasn't allowed to bring my other ones just because they smell like I've never worn socks in them. (An unkempt exaggeration, I wore socks in them the first few times I got the shoes a couple years ago.)

"Man I wish my feet weren't so sore" I would surely vent without thinking.

BAM!!!!!!1111!!!1!!!!

A cloud of purple smoke explodes over my feet. "Wh-wh-wh-whaa happened?"

As the smoke clears I get the first view of my new shoes, I dunno they're made of rubies or something, this story got too long and I got lazy.

I wish I had thought of something shorter to write about.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Google Maps Let Me Down Again

I definitely don't live here

But who does live at 9504, E 63rd St, Raytown MO, 64133? Why does he live in the middle of what appears to be a busy street? And perhaps most importantly where is Wayne? My shift is over in 5 minutes and I can only pretend to be nice to be old people for so long...