Blog-iatus

I've read all your angry imaginary e-mails and comments about lack of content...and all I can say is "YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!"

With Ryan moving into a new place sans internet due to various "child porn being traced to the landlord concerns", and with my losing my mind over the Blue Jays teasing me with a ten game win streak we're far too busy this week to update.

That doesn't mean we don't care. I care so much it hurts.

Oh Lord! Why must we hurt the ones we hit?

I Went to the Ex, yeah.

I have always contended that the CNE is lame, and that I would never, ever, EVer, EVER, EVAR go to such an event.

I feel strongly that agricultural fairs are an antiquated system of fun deliverance and are obsolete in a much more modern world full of talking picture frames and rapping video games. (X2 JOKE MULTIPLIER FOR RHYMING)

(-700 JOKE POINTS FOR JOKE REPEATING)

....and also those midway basketball hoops are nowhere near regulation size.

So it was with great trepidation that I agreed to go this week. Knowing that I had often stated "I am never going to the Ex." and "If you see me at the CNE feel free to push me into various fountains" I knew I needed a disguise of some sort. Something that people who know me would know I would never wear. Luckily the Little League World Series sent me a blessed idea from the heavens that arrived on an oversized, ugly, un-brimmed chariot.

That's right a flat brimmed gigantic 5950 baseball cap. I'm shuddering just remembering having to glop it onto my head. The beads are not part of the disguise, I just happened to be able to amass them from the Mardi Gras parade due to my awesome rack, ability to shout "BEADS!", and the fact that I have longer arms than children and old ladies.

The squintyness was not part of the disguise either, it was just really bright or something.
I also like how I have smile lines on my cheeks and that my lips are kinda curled into a smile, but nothing on the rest of my face indicates happiness....I couldn't even fake that I liked the Ex.

But it wasn't all bad, apart from feeling bad for all the gigantic livestock wandering around we also got to go to the farm pavilion and see some farm animals (zing! Take that fat people, I know you're not used to being made fun of, but someone had to say it), farm animals who apparently think I smell like something they enjoy smelling.


Thank god there is no pictoral evidence of when they started butting heads and scared me and made me scream like a lady.

The other part where I had fun was when me and my friends were all like "Do you think those firemen will spray us if we ask nicely?" And then we all giggled and ran up to them and jumped up and down and yelled "spray me! spray me! I bet you can't spray me!" And then they sprayed us, and it was soooo much fun.
And that was pretty much it, apart from a terrible dog show, and waiting in line but never getting to play Rock Band, or eat a Bison Burger

Final Brent Grade for CNE: 2 stars out of 5.

Then on the way home the 427 was closed so I had to take highway 27 instead, on the long country roads I could actually see the stars through my moon-roof, they were very pretty.

Final Brent Grade for Stars: 4 CNE's out of 5.

Tales From Work: A Case Of The Mondays

I realize it's tuesday, but this story happened yesterday and I was too busy playing my new favourite game onslaught and trying to contact the building manager / a plumber, so for ease of writing lets just assume it's monday...

So It's my last week here at the gym, and as many of our imaginary readers have noticed I haven't written a "Tales From Work" installment in quite some time, take this rambling e-mail i received just the other day from an anonymous reader

Dear Ryinandbrant:

what hppened to the "ttales from work" installment? I quite enjyed hearing your veiws aboutr old people such asmyself as well as the wonderful expirements. I apolgise for the typing, but a rcent acident has left me too weak to type with any acuracy...so much rain here, does your gym do rehab?

Well anonymous reader, there's actually a reason why the experiments on tales from work have ceased. In a turn of events that nobody could have ever foreseen, I've actually taking a liking to these old guys, In fact I was going to start a new weekly segment titled "Old People: God's Gift To The World" but as you can see that didn't happen, all because of today...

It started out much like a regular monday. I wrote my usual sports board chock full of errors and waited to see how long it would take somebody to notice that I put ukraine 3rd in the medal standing, and that the headline "hawaii wins little league world series, putting and end to the united states run of 3 straight" doesn't make sense. (nobody did...I don't think anybody reads my sports board)

While I did this I couldn't help but notice one of our members had been in the bathroom for an awfully long time...terrified that he might be dead I was getting up to investigate when he appeared from the bathroom and said "the bathrooms broken" and then continued into the gym area to work out leaving me to investigate what he meant...

unfortunately by "the bathroom is broken" he meant "I just clogged the toilet and made a mess everywhere" I don't really want to talk about anything that happened after that because it makes me cry, lets just say it was a pretty shitty day (pun intended) and I hate old people

...and apparently they can't digest peas.

...and apparently they love them.

Et tu Chuck E?

Now not only is Titanic a giant baked good for kids, but now the Hindenburg is a prominently featured poster at a terrible arcade for kids.

It's posed right like it was before it a'sploded...floating in the air. Just think of all those colourfully drawn people from the poster who burned up. Do you want that imaginary blood on your hands Charles? Our imaginary readership wouldn't take to kindly to a mouse doused in imaginary blood. (X2 JOKE POINTS FOR RHYMING)

Maybe if the Hindenburg had a lying old lady like the Titanic I would be less aghast at this. She lied and stole and threw that necklace into the ocean for this, if an old lady threw a photo locket off the balcony and into the depths of New Jersey I think that would make for a dramatic movie climax as well.

I understand that Titanic was (and my movie idea Hindenburg 2000! would make) a popular and profitable movie...but people remember it actually happened right? This isn't like making a shoot-asteroids at the Earth Armageddon type arcade game. Or a much more serious and boring talking about shooting asteroids at the Earth Deep Impact style arcade/lecture game.

I go to Chuck E Cheese to have fun, these things and terrible games only bring me down, the Head Cheese's (PUN) working there seem to imagine people think of Chuck E Cheese as a terrible casino, with disaster themed slot machines and spider ring prizes.

The only games I like are games that involve balls, skeetball, regular basketball, childrens' basketball, photo-booth ball, hover-ball thing, Ninja Turtles in Time Arcade Ball Game, pushing kids in the ball pit, and of course elderly basketball. Tickets are an ancillary prize to be enjoyed when the winning at everything is done, really I wish that tokens were a redeemable prize where in theory if you sink enough hoops playing oldsketball you could play forever.

Sadly that's not reality, the reality I live in involves Titanic-based tomfoolery and Morgan Freeman narrated asteroid lectures, or maybe even Morgan Freeman Rainy Driving: The Game.

Overweight!

I did it!!!

Last night I officially became overweight* with a meal that would have made Michael Phelps proud...check this out Michael.

appetizers

• Table bread 1/2 loaf with 2 oz. butter.... 403 calories, 46 g. of fat
• Mushrooms Neptune 1 serving (i'm assuming that means the whole platter right?) 380 calories, 31g of fat (and very possibly much. much more)
• Calamari (once again assuming 1 serving means entire platter) 646 calories, 36g of fat
• 1/4 serving of crab and cheese dip...278 calories, 18.6g of fat.
  

Entree

• Keg Size New York Peppercorn Steak...1113 calories, 76.3g of fat
• Garlic Mashed Potatoes...382 calories...22.1g of fat
• Baked Parmesan Tomato...38 calories, 1.7g of fat
  

Other peoples food

Fortunately for me C.J. was sick, and apparently does not like prime rib, and as always my dad filled up on pop, and then overestimated his eating abilities...

• C.J's small prime rib...794 calories, 64g of fat.
• 1/3 of dad's Keg size prime rib...443 calories, 36.3g of fat
• C.J's frizzled onions...138 calories, 7.1g of fat.
• Dad's vegetable medley, 124 calories, 1.2g of fat.
  

Dessert

• Billy Miner Pie (keg size)...884 calories, 36g of fat
• stealthy bite of cj's brownie sundae while he wasn't looking...???
  

Totals: 5,623 calories, 376.3g of fat (not including the keg size extra spicy caesar because no nutritional information was available)

To put that into perspective the average healthy male should consume 2500 calories, and 70-80g of fat in an entire day. I easily doubled the calories, and almost put 5 times the amount of fat in my body in a span of an hour.

hmmm, I just realized this entire blog consisted of me listing my dinner, and had nothing interesting whatsoever...much like brents blog about puns (zing!)** To make it up to you here is a picture of a baby penguin.

*overweight according to the BMI

** your puns were actually pretty good

Here are some puns.

Canadian Christopher Neil sentenced in pedophile trial in Thailand.

Well, you do the Thai, you do the time.

I came up with this next pun after realizing that Tim Hortons and Timothy's had astonishingly similar names (both contain the first name Timothy or derivations thereof) and wanted to come up with my own coffee shop name.

So my idea was for it to be called "Horton Serves a Brew".

In quotes that brought up zero results in Google, which I believe makes it un-sueable for copyright infringement.

Are either or those even puns? Hmm, this was a pretty terrible blog entry, as penance here's a picture of me eating two double scoop ice cream cones in front of a hungry four year old.


Later on he cried. He was being a Drama Dairy Queen, or you could say I "Basked" in "Robbin'" him of ice cream......CJ stood for "Ceriously Jilted".

I "Played-mean" and he "Screamed."

It was a "Rocky Road" of emotions.

Something something "Rum Raisin" CJ was sad, something something, "Chunky Monkey".

That Pralines and Cream pun was a bit of a stretch.

Alright I think that's enough.

So...I'm pretty sick of Gemcraft

seriously...I never want to play this game again. (but check out how awesome I am, level 94!!)

So... I'm Pretty the Best At Gemcraft (Or How pinkag showed me how to use MS Paint)

Photographic proof.

At least as believable as that Bigfoot in a bucket of ice.

If only I had a costume and lots and lots of ice...I could be famous as well.

(Or how pinkag showed me how to make a blue link thing.)

Sports Update: Olympic Version!!!

Since when are 14 year olds allowed in the olympics??? Not only is it making me feel bad that at age 23 I have yet to qualify for a single olympic event, let alone win a gold medal, but looking at a 14 year old boy in a speedo makes me feel like I'm doing something very wrong.

Also, this is synchronized diving, you can't have a 14 year old diving next to 26 year old. They shouldn't just dive the same, but they should look the same. If I were president of the olympics (is that a thing?) it would be a three tenth deduction if you don't look the same. Now I know what you're thinking...wouldn't that give a huge advantage to the asian and african american teams? Well yes, it would, but here's my thinking...the chinese are going to win anyways, and as we all know african americans can't swim.

speaking of racism...you know who's a racist? Hayley Wickenheiser. Now I already knew this because a google search of "Hayley Wickenheiser is a racist" came back with 440 hits. But last night while watching the canadian softball team vs chinese taipei (which for some reason she was a commentator for) she pointed out that the chinese taipei team looked tired....Now I guess she isn't used to seeing asians as hockey is the whitest sport in the world, but seriously, someone needs to tell her that's just how they look. I was half expecting her to comment that the reason they were having trouble hitting was because they were squinting.

oh...ok so apparently Hayley Wickenheiser played softball for canada during the 2000 olympics...which means that her comment wasn't ignorant, but just flat out racist...or perhaps they actually were tired. but either way I think this proves that Hayley Wickenheiser is a man.

Disaster + Time + Cookies = Fun

I was going to make a post entitled "So...I'm Pretty the Best at Gemcraft." Inside which I would regale everyone how I was at level 91 and I would have a photo with MS-Paint doctored proof to back up my claims.

But I didn't, because I am a good person.

And also three pairs of similar entries in a row is about three too many....and I don't really know how to use MS Paint to follow through with that plan, and I wouldn't have been able to keep my post about Gemcraft as delightfully ramble-free as Ryan did.

Side note: When did being rambly or random become good things? A rambling post about a non-existent response post about levelship in a free online game to an imaginary readership is probably not the best place to make this point.

ANYWAY,

I was driving to town the other day when I caught sight of this of some commotion out of the corner of my eye.

Some girls soccer team was having a fundraiser by the lake and a bake-sale was the main attraction.

I would've eaten some delicious cookies myself but the line was like a hundred people long and it cost $5 per baked item. I also wouldn't have been able to have anyone take a picture of my face as it registered disgust, as they were selling giant cookies....Titanic sized-cookies if you will. So to register this fact they made the cookies boat-shaped and decorated them like the Titanic.

I would also like a picture of myself flopping the the lake, freezing cold and about to sink in the icy blue waves, while enjoying the tasty treat.

These cookies doesn't go far enough, children should be able to eat, and laugh and also play on all sorts of different types of human tragedy. Water parks should be full of Hindenburgs that burst and splash children with water, the Tangiwai Langhi would make an even better slide than the boring old Titanic, and way more people died in that which of course equals way more fun.
Anyone for Branch Davidian Brownies?

Look, I even restrained myself from making a Twin Towers/Drop-Zone type reference.
It'll still be like forty years before such an attraction will be fun.

So...I'm Pretty Good At Gemcraft

In case you can't make that out it says level 82....you should be impressed. You should also be impressed that I was able to take a screenshot of the computer. And perhaps most of all, you should be impressed at how short I was able to keep this blog without rambling on...

Sports Update: Continued Use of Confusingly Similar Blog Entries Enrage Nonexistent Readership

Booked the day off of not watching the Jays yesterday to watch the Jays (unless of course you read this blog Swayne, in which case, I was not watching the Jays). I think this showed great dedication on my part, especially after the ninth inning meltdown the night prior.

This dedication was rewarded as I was granted the news scoop of the century.

Dateline- Arlington Texas

'Tis the sixth inning of a back and forth Jays-Rangers game, Michael Young hits a dangerous curving shot to deep right field, Jays RF Brad Wilkerson leaps at the wall.

Despite this fans best intentions Wilkerson was able to make the catch (trap the ball on the wall)
and bring the Jays one out closer to sweet, sweet victory..

..wait a minute.

This fan looks strangely familiar.











Really Bartman? That was the best you could do? Move to Texas, change what side of the field you interfere on, stop listening to the games on the radio, and grow a horrendous disguise beard?

At the very least he does look much happier in his new locale.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPORTS UPDATE WITH A FASHION UPDATE:

Look, if you're going to wear a baseball glove to the game there is a simple rule...you have to be under 13 years old. If you're going to make yourself look like a fool the least you could do would be to change which arm you wear your watch on. Am I right ladies? For shame Bartman, for shame.

So yeah, I found Bartman. I am the best.

With this groundbreaking blog entry posted, and the news broken, I expect tons of media attention for finally locating Bartman. It wasn't easy but I did it.

I reach Level 34 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries.

Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

Booked the day off work yesterday to watch the major league debut of Canadian Scott Richmond (unless ofcourse you read this blog Wayne, in which case I really did have an ear infection but I'm happy to report that I'm all better now) Unfortunately the TV had other ideas and decided to instead show reruns of poker, which in the end may have been for the best as the blue jays lack of clutch hitting would have angered me and I have been known to take out that anger on anything in range, including CJ, the remote control, and a perfectly good bowl of sun chips.

Back onto Poker...I hate poker, and I don't care what anyone says there is no skill involved, it's just like a game of war, or go fish, or hockey. Not only do I not like poker but I don't like anybody who plays poker. off the top of my head I can only think of those people on the poker commercials, and matts sundin. Matts sundin loves poker, I know this because a google search for "matts sundin loves poker" came back with 6770 hits. (Using this method I also discovered corn flakes kill people, and that pants are made of ghosts)

And in other sports related news...

I beat Carter and CJ in a dunk contest yesterday becoming what I believe to be the first person to ever win a dunk contest while wearing a moustache.

Matts Sundin continues to delay his decision on whether he will play next year, no doubt concerned that playing hockey will cut into his online poker time.

Team Catfish looks to win the cottage cup this weekend in the annual Cottage Softball Weekend Tournament.

And in non sports related news...

Hand sanitizer at front desk develops clog forcing streams of melon scented sanitizer into the face of unsuspecting members causing laughter, false promises to fix it by me.

I reach level 32 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries

A Strongly Worded Reply to A Fellow Blogger

I can explain baby, baby why won't you let me explain?

You see while you were on a week long vacation on the sunny beaches of Canada, I was on a week long vacation on the sunny streets of Canada City. And what a glorious week it was, I went to a Canada City Baseball-Fellows game and watched it from the lower deck instead of the 500 level tickets I paid for, I ate obscene amounts of Mike and/or Ike's, I saw a movie about The Bat Man, but most importantly I went to the Canada City Animal Containment Observatory.


The best thing about the CCACO is that the hungry hungry hippos are contained safely in a pool, that way they can't attack me. Here's a picture!

Just look at how hungry that hungry pygmy hippo looks. And if Ryan was that log (which coincidentally replicates his skinny build exactly)
would I jump in to save the day?

No, hippos are dangerous and highly territorial.
But for the sake of attempting to guilt him I will pretend to say yes instead.

Two other highlights of the visit to the CCACO were staring deeply into a Goliath bird-eating spiders tank to attempt to spot it. I caught a glimpse of yellow hair and thought that must be it, alas it was only a dead chick for the spider to devour.

We also got to see the cute Surinam toad. It was sitting on the edge of its pool and then dropped into the water where it slowly began to do backflips. It kept on backflippin' right to the bottom of the tank where it laid to rest on its back...and then it didn't move, we came back half an hour later but it was still on its back not moving on the floor of the water. So yeah, I saw a Surinam toad die in front of me. I didn't expect that when I decided to go to Canada City.

That's some pretty heavy stuff right? Isn't that a decent excuse for not writing while I was away?

A Strongly Worded Letter To A Fellow Blogger / E-Harmony

Really Brent? I came back from my one week vacation from the sunny beaches of Canada to find not a single post last week? Do even know how many angry e-mails I received from angry blog readers this morning? Zero! Our readers were so outraged that in retaliation they didn't bother to write anything either...not even any comments about how I've opened their eyes to the wonderful world of telletubies. Instead I just had 23 e-mails from the e-harmony account I created last friday when i was bored at work...

Which brings me to you E-Harmony...First of all, despite answering all questions with brutal honesty my personality profile is way off...helping others before I help myself? I don't think so, If Brent and I were to go on an African Safari trip and he were to be chased by a hungry hungry hippo, would I risk my life to save his? Defintely not, especially not after the stunt he pulled last week.

A steady personality? I don't think so E-Harmony, I am a volcano of emotion ready to erupt at any moment. I'm like the volcano on that show I watched on Discovery HD last week "supervolcano". My eruptions may be rare but once my magma chamber fills to a certain level even a small eruption could trigger a super eruption covering the entire earth in ash and triggering the next ice age.....(I probably could have come up with a better analogy there)

And finally E-Harmony, how am i supposed to tell if the people you matched me with are fat if I can't see a picture of them? You can say our personalities are "perfectly matched" all you want but I specifically told you that the fitness level of my matches was "extremely important" to me and I can't tell unless I see a picture. Also 59.95 for one month? really? Now I'll never know if me and Jaclyn, 22 from London are soul mates. She describes herself as easy-going, loyal, and funny. She's a cook who claims to have a passion for food and a "great sence of humour" (I can look past her poor spelling) but has her passion for food gone too far? Because that is something I can't look past, and a picture is the only way for me to judge that.