Wednesday, June 30, 2010

They Would Have Named Some Sort of FunRun After Me

There was swelling and pain. I thought there might also be a lump.

In my testicles.

It would have been a testicular lump. Obviously I didn't jump to conclusions before I got it checked out, but OF COURSE I jumped to conclusions.

I was positive it was cancer, the scariest kind of cancer. Double cancer. It has spread to my lymph nodes already, what's that pain in my side? OH NO CANCER ALL OVER!

It turns out it wasn't cancer. So, that's good. Apparently your testicles are full of natural creases, grooves, lumps, and tubes. Which is really confusing, thanks a lot God.

Also, other lumps and swelling develop all the time from non-cancer related issues. I slightly tore a muscle in the area right behind the testicular zone which caused pain and concentrated swelling. Hooray, I guess.

The important point isn't my mini-scare, or to make light of cancer...which is honestly going to get me one day, as it did to most of my family tree.

The point is that this made me realize what a fucking narcissist I am, and how I can take LITERALLY any situation, no matter how dire, and turn it into a fantasy where I'm the hero.

See after I got examined, and the Doctor told me that I DID have cancer I was going to play it cool. "No big deal, we all have our struggles in life. Am I scared of death? Of course not, I am a brave, brave, brave, brave, strong, brave guy." I also wouldn't really tell anyone about it. "No need to worry my family or friends. They aren't as strong nor as brave as I am. Plus, I need the element of surprise to make the next part of the fantasy work."

Now there's two ways it could go. I played out both ways multiple times in my brains.

OPTION 1: I BEAT CANCER.

I don't make a big deal out of it, but now I do draw attention to it....subtly, maybe with a Facebook post thing. "Finally in remission." "Down one testicle, but it's worth it."
What those are really saying is. "I KICKED CANCER'S ASS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IT AND I AM AN INSPIRATION TO EVERYONE!!!!!"

OPTION 2: CANCER BEATS ME

I guess I didn't fight hard enough in this fantasy....although I've never really understood how one mentally "fights" cancer anyway.

On my death bed I'm still brave. "Don't....cry.....I've peacefully and quickly.....accepted my fate. I know....it is tragic that someone so brave and strong and dashing and young has had to pass on......it's been a blast."

Aren't your tear ducts welling with emotion at my brave stance in the face of eternal emptiness?

So again, I don't have cancer. Cancer is awful, and I've learned my lesson about being glib and fanciful when it comes to serious matters.

But I did sure class-ily kick its ass most of the time.

NEXT TIME: HOW I WOULD'VE NOT CRASHED ON THE RAINY ROAD THAT MORGAN FREEMAN CRASHED ON DESPITE MY HISTORY OF BEING IN MANY CAR CRASHES