Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Complete Level 34 Gemcraft Walkthrough (Subtitle): Now 10% More Helpful to Those in Germany


I have a confession guy who twice visited our blog from Munich, Germany....I don't know how to beat Level 34 on Gemcraft. I don't really know why our blog is so high on a Google search for "Level 34" Gemcraft. German word for sorry.

In fact, the truth is that I gave up on Gemcraft after Level One and then just got Pinkag to fake Brent-related Gemcraft glory with MS Paint. But hopefully this newer Brent-related Gemcraft ruse got you to spend more than the zero seconds you spent on our page last time around....and it would also be nice if it lifted us to number one on Google searches for "Level 34" gemcraft.

This post is the first in an entirely new direction for Ryanandbrent. I'm planning on focusing all of my content on the things that people from around the world use as search terms to randomly pull our page out of the morass of blue link thingies.

Well except for the guy from Nottingham, England who found us through a search for: 14 year old boys in speedos pics....I'm not quite desperate enough yet to purchase a Speedo, wax my body down to hairlessness, and then get Ryan to take pictures of me from the collar-bone down in a Brent-related Pedophile Ruse...although I'm probably closer to that desperation point than you'd think.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase...ATTENTION RANDOM PEOPLE FROM SUCH EXOTIC LOCALES AS KOREA, GERMANY, ENGLAND, THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES AND NEWMARKET: Look if you're going to stumble upon our blog and find it completely does not suit the needs of what you searched for.... the least you could do is tell us we suck via comments.

To up the ante, I will only feed my new pal Goldy III on days when we receive comments about the 34th Level of Gemcraft from people in Munich.

How do you like that pal! Now not only are you stuck on Level 34 and mana-deprived with various monsters digitally scrolling closer and closer to the part where you lose, but you also now have a non-virtual-ticking-fish-death-starvation-bomb on your conscience as well. Not even the mighty Octagon gem can save you from that.

PS Build sufficient monster killing gems so that your gems kill all the monsters before they reach the end of the level.

Although to reiterate, the real monster you should be concerned with is the monster of "a lack of gratitude to Ryanandbrent." Or as you Munichites like to say "Das FishKillerin."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Brent and Ryan Only Third Most Prominent Ryan and Brent on Internet

It says so right on Google....lowly, lowly, third place on a "Ryan and Brent" Google search. Third out of 8,480 is not too bad I guess, but that is a lot of Ryan and Brents. To avoid any possible confusion, here's a quick primer of the Ryan and Brents we are not.

Fake Ryan and Brent 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BjuG-Zrt4M)

WE ARE NOT two guys who have pinned their dreams of stardom on hoping that a girl being almost as hot as a real celebrity will overcome the fact that she can't sing or act or remember the words to her song or have a normal name. "Better Off" Miaa Rose? Really? Well I need to take this "Sweater Off" because I am on fire with all of the putdowns I just used on you and your so-called Ryan and Brent. And you should do the same as you have been severely verbally burned. And then I will put my Sweater back on as the door to my tiny balcony keeps coming open and it's cold in my tiny apartment.

It is shocking how similar we look to that Ryan and Brent though....

Fake Ryan and Brent 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_mjtj-Z18s)

Sigh. WE ARE NOT these guys either. How is this more entertaining than Pokemon Hamlet?.....alright bad example. You know what FR&B2? If using puppets to do a cover of a thirty year old Muppets piece is what it takes to make it to the almost top...well then I guess I'll settle for being number three, since I have a little something called comedic standards.
(Please ignore Pokemon Hamlet)
www.ebay.ca/search/funnierthanotherryanandbrentpuppets. Dammit, zero results, NO! Why did I cut and paste that url here! Oh man, and both my backspace and delete buttons are broken. It's like working on a typewriter here. A typewriter that for some reasons thinks those awful puppets are better than me. And a typewriter that saves my brothers past indiscretions for all eternity.

So those are the only two more famous Ryan and Brents out there....but of the thousands of other losers these are my favorite. WE ARE NOT this Ryan and Brent, but oh how I wish we were. (http://www.200b.org/images/ryanwed/) A photogallery of Ryan's wedding to Lindsay! Brent gets dressed for the wedding in a WalMart parking lot. Ryan gets married in a gymnasium, Brent wears khakis and a plaid shirt. Ryan and Brent are Chicago Bears Superfans with matching custom jerseys, Ryan is awkwardly out of place at a bar, Oh Evansville, Illinois Ryan and Brent, so much like us......Seriously, there's even a Kyle in there. Wait! www.200b.org has it's own website, subtitled "Six Crazy Guys, One Crazy Apartment".

Nothing says crazy guys inhabiting a crazy apartment quite like making signs reminding roommates to clean up, or a photogallery of Ryan and Brent fighting, or even Ryan using gravy as shampoo. It must be a Ryan and Brent thing since these guys look exactly like us as well.

And to sum up the rest of the losers, this Ryan and Brent are NOT members of Hellafied Funk Crew, a live hardcore hip-hop band, editors of The FutureStock Review, the founding members of Panic! At The Disco, or avid cyclists, who have logged thousands of miles on two wheels, and whose vision is to revolutionize cycling apparel as we know it.

Come to think of it, since our readership is almost entirely composed of imaginary people, our standing is probably much higher on the leading imaginary search engine: √(-1)

That is the nerdiest joke in the history of time. I think spending all this time reading about Evansville Brent has somehow caused my brain to meld with his. I'm struggling to distinguish my own memories from his khaki-tinted ones. Oh well, good thing I look awesome in plaid. Congrats on the nuptials Ryan!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Viridian City Pokemon Players Present: The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT IV SCENE II. Another room in the castle.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

Safely stowed.

ROSENCRANTZ: GUILDENSTERN:

[Within] Pikachu! Pika-Pika!

HAMLET

What noise? who calls on Hamlet?
O, here they come.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachu, Pikaaaaachu!!!

HAMLET

Um, I assume you're asking me what I did with the dead body? Well, I compounded it with dust, whereto 'tis kin.

ROSENCRANTZ

Pikachuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Pika!!!

(A lightning bolt erupts from Rosencrantz' tail, it singes the curtains and gives children in the first two rows seizures.)

HAMLET

(Whispered) Seriously, what's going on, Guildernstern pick up the slack for Rosencrantz.

Guildenstern! The body is with the king, but the king is not with
the body. The king is a thing--

GUILDENSTERN

Jigglypuff jiggaly puff. Jiggaly jigglypuff. Jiggly Jiggly. Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff Jigglypuff.

HAMLET

Forget this, I'm poisoning myself early.

A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordnance is shot off

AND SCENE....

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Remember When Ryan Used To Post Things About Stuff...

Yeah that was pretty sweet...

Well not to worry readers! I'm back! and in my blogging absence (blogsence?) I've stockpiled story upon story that will thrill you beyond your wildest dreams...In the coming weeks you can expect such fantastic stories as..

that time i tried to scare a group of canadian geese only to be viciously attacked, narrowly escaping with my life...

baseball fight! (the beer pour misunderstanding)

Lessons learned from halloween (a report on why running into glass paintings is hazardous)

An in depth report on why charmander is the best pokemon ever!

...and prolly some other things

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Important Moving In / Daylight Savings Time News

So I just moved into my tiny apartment in the city so I can start my new job on Monday.

Obviously I am a very important guy with very pressing matters on my mind.

Namely:


OFFICIAL PETITION TO REMOVE RUFIO AS LEADER OF THE LOST BOYS

Dear Fellow Lost Boys,

Times have been good `tis true. They have also been splendid. But cannot times be better? Are we forced to measure these times under the leadership of Rufio with adjectives? What of verbs, I ask you. I always thought if I was leader the times would be glitter.

So it is with the wish of future glory in mind that I call for a general election (Topical reference to American Election on Tuesday +300 Points)

Yes, an election for the leadership of the Lost Boys. I have as the following my multi-step platform for why Brent would make a much better leader than Rufio Hussein Hook-sama

(Possible reference to Barack Obama`s name? This is all very unclear. Was Rufio of mixed-race in that movie? Does that enhance the reference? He looked kind of Asian I guess....but like a really tanned Asian guy. Uhhh 150 reference points.)

Reason the first: Offical Campaign Chant “Brent, yeah Brent, Brent is the best leader the Lost Boys could have, yeah Brent, `cause he`s the greatest and a real Mav.....erick. Brent!”
Much more catchy than “Ru-fio! Ru-fio! Ru-fio!”

(Wait is that Maverick line a reference to John McCain? Is this supposed to be pro-Obama? Forget this I`m out of here, Love, the Brackets Reference Point-Giver Guy)


Reason B: Our Crocodile Boat has fallen into terrible disrepair under the rule of Rufio. Have you guys listened to that thing? It`s always making these really annoying click-clock sounds. Some of us are trying to sleep on here. Namely, Thud Butt. ZING!!11

{Yes! Finally, it`s Curly-Brackets the Back-up Reference Point Giver`s Time to Shine!! 3 out of 5 stars}

And lastly Reason III: Captain Hook told me if I could lure you all onto his boat as slaves he would give me both a treasure chest and that I could replace Smee as back-catcher on the Pirate Softball Team! Run Home Brent! Run Home Brent!
Um let`s see, fake reason....I need a fake reason....um, I have a comprehensive health care thing that will prevent deaths by being stabbed with swords.....which according to Wikipedia is how Rufio will die. See! I`m caring even to my stupid, fatherless, soon to be enslaved/stabbed opponent.

Remember VOTE BRENT `08!!! YES WE PAN!

{They didn`t have computers in the Peter Pan Universe, nor could they see the future, so that doesn`t make sense.... 0 stars}

[It makes less sense that the blog entry would question itself ]

{Wait.. what, who are you?}

[I`m Square bracket, the bracket reference who gives points to bracket references, now you know how it feels. 1 out of 5 brackets]

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Exactly 500 Words on Nineteenth Century High Fashion

A Historical Account of High Fashion (1800-1899)
For: Professor Gillian McClellan
By: Brent Wilson
University of Viridian City
Course MGH314

While universally adored today, many don't know the origin of the haute couture look known as the "neckbeard". Recent archaeological discoveries have placed the neckbeard back to the time of the Sumerians (present day Oakville), but the facial hairstyle takes it etymogical roots from Confederate General Arbok Beardneck from the Nineteenth Century American Civil War.

Beardneck was so consumed by battle preparations that he had time for neither personal grooming nor time to give his fanciful collection of snakes its proper attention. The latter led to the snakes growing unruly and prone to bite, as an aside this led to the naming of a snake like Pocket Monster after him in the popular Japanese Neo Geo Pocket Color Game Pocket Monsters II: Revenge of the Pocket Monsters.

As much as Beardneck was consumed with battle he was also concerned with his lasting legacy.
He foresaw the invention of the moving pictures, and with it the chance to make money on formulaic race-relations movies. As such he sought to have an African-American join his platoon of Confederate troops. When confronted by his superiors with the demand "He's not playing in that game!"

Beardneck was stern in his response "Damn right he's going to play, and we're going to win!"
The movie ends with the African American player winning whatever the Nineteenth Century War equivalent of the Heisman trophy is, after bringing both races together and winning the big game on a last second trick play of some sort.

In actuality Beardneck was turned on by his troops and murdered in his tent on Sept. 13, 1862.
The African-American escaped to sweet freedom and his grandson was the first black polo player fighting against the odds facing a prejudiced all white polo society (Wait...has polo been done yet? Must...get...agent...on.. phone quickly. I'll call it The Ride to Freedom)

Beardnecks gravestone reads "You guys will see, that will make an awesome movie....or at least a very profitable one." History has vindicated Beardneck, so whenever you see a portly fellow sporting a Neckbeard don't turn away or mock him. Embrace the spirit of Arbok Beardneck who has brought this great country so much, and aside from money and a legacy asked for so little.

And one more sentence brings it to exactly 500 words, right now. Now.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Blog-iatus

I've read all your angry imaginary e-mails and comments about lack of content...and all I can say is "YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!"

With Ryan moving into a new place sans internet due to various "child porn being traced to the landlord concerns", and with my losing my mind over the Blue Jays teasing me with a ten game win streak we're far too busy this week to update.

That doesn't mean we don't care. I care so much it hurts.

Oh Lord! Why must we hurt the ones we hit?

Friday, August 29, 2008

I Went to the Ex, yeah.

I have always contended that the CNE is lame, and that I would never, ever, EVer, EVER, EVAR go to such an event.

I feel strongly that agricultural fairs are an antiquated system of fun deliverance and are obsolete in a much more modern world full of talking picture frames and rapping video games. (X2 JOKE MULTIPLIER FOR RHYMING)

(-700 JOKE POINTS FOR JOKE REPEATING)

....and also those midway basketball hoops are nowhere near regulation size.

So it was with great trepidation that I agreed to go this week. Knowing that I had often stated "I am never going to the Ex." and "If you see me at the CNE feel free to push me into various fountains" I knew I needed a disguise of some sort. Something that people who know me would know I would never wear. Luckily the Little League World Series sent me a blessed idea from the heavens that arrived on an oversized, ugly, un-brimmed chariot.

That's right a flat brimmed gigantic 5950 baseball cap. I'm shuddering just remembering having to glop it onto my head. The beads are not part of the disguise, I just happened to be able to amass them from the Mardi Gras parade due to my awesome rack, ability to shout "BEADS!", and the fact that I have longer arms than children and old ladies.

The squintyness was not part of the disguise either, it was just really bright or something.
I also like how I have smile lines on my cheeks and that my lips are kinda curled into a smile, but nothing on the rest of my face indicates happiness....I couldn't even fake that I liked the Ex.

But it wasn't all bad, apart from feeling bad for all the gigantic livestock wandering around we also got to go to the farm pavilion and see some farm animals (zing! Take that fat people, I know you're not used to being made fun of, but someone had to say it), farm animals who apparently think I smell like something they enjoy smelling.


Thank god there is no pictoral evidence of when they started butting heads and scared me and made me scream like a lady.

The other part where I had fun was when me and my friends were all like "Do you think those firemen will spray us if we ask nicely?" And then we all giggled and ran up to them and jumped up and down and yelled "spray me! spray me! I bet you can't spray me!" And then they sprayed us, and it was soooo much fun.
And that was pretty much it, apart from a terrible dog show, and waiting in line but never getting to play Rock Band, or eat a Bison Burger

Final Brent Grade for CNE: 2 stars out of 5.

Then on the way home the 427 was closed so I had to take highway 27 instead, on the long country roads I could actually see the stars through my moon-roof, they were very pretty.

Final Brent Grade for Stars: 4 CNE's out of 5.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tales From Work: A Case Of The Mondays

I realize it's tuesday, but this story happened yesterday and I was too busy playing my new favourite game onslaught and trying to contact the building manager / a plumber, so for ease of writing lets just assume it's monday...

So It's my last week here at the gym, and as many of our imaginary readers have noticed I haven't written a "Tales From Work" installment in quite some time, take this rambling e-mail i received just the other day from an anonymous reader

Dear Ryinandbrant:

what hppened to the "ttales from work" installment? I quite enjyed hearing your veiws aboutr old people such asmyself as well as the wonderful expirements. I apolgise for the typing, but a rcent acident has left me too weak to type with any acuracy...so much rain here, does your gym do rehab?

Well anonymous reader, there's actually a reason why the experiments on tales from work have ceased. In a turn of events that nobody could have ever foreseen, I've actually taking a liking to these old guys, In fact I was going to start a new weekly segment titled "Old People: God's Gift To The World" but as you can see that didn't happen, all because of today...

It started out much like a regular monday. I wrote my usual sports board chock full of errors and waited to see how long it would take somebody to notice that I put ukraine 3rd in the medal standing, and that the headline "hawaii wins little league world series, putting and end to the united states run of 3 straight" doesn't make sense. (nobody did...I don't think anybody reads my sports board)

While I did this I couldn't help but notice one of our members had been in the bathroom for an awfully long time...terrified that he might be dead I was getting up to investigate when he appeared from the bathroom and said "the bathrooms broken" and then continued into the gym area to work out leaving me to investigate what he meant...

unfortunately by "the bathroom is broken" he meant "I just clogged the toilet and made a mess everywhere" I don't really want to talk about anything that happened after that because it makes me cry, lets just say it was a pretty shitty day (pun intended) and I hate old people

...and apparently they can't digest peas.

...and apparently they love them.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Et tu Chuck E?



Now not only is Titanic a giant baked good for kids, but now the Hindenburg is a prominently featured poster at a terrible arcade for kids.

It's posed right like it was before it a'sploded...floating in the air. Just think of all those colourfully drawn people from the poster who burned up. Do you want that imaginary blood on your hands Charles? Our imaginary readership wouldn't take to kindly to a mouse doused in imaginary blood. (X2 JOKE POINTS FOR RHYMING)

Maybe if the Hindenburg had a lying old lady like the Titanic I would be less aghast at this. She lied and stole and threw that necklace into the ocean for this, if an old lady threw a photo locket off the balcony and into the depths of New Jersey I think that would make for a dramatic movie climax as well.

I understand that Titanic was (and my movie idea Hindenburg 2000! would make) a popular and profitable movie...but people remember it actually happened right? This isn't like making a shoot-asteroids at the Earth Armageddon type arcade game. Or a much more serious and boring talking about shooting asteroids at the Earth Deep Impact style arcade/lecture game.

I go to Chuck E Cheese to have fun, these things and terrible games only bring me down, the Head Cheese's (PUN) working there seem to imagine people think of Chuck E Cheese as a terrible casino, with disaster themed slot machines and spider ring prizes.

The only games I like are games that involve balls, skeetball, regular basketball, childrens' basketball, photo-booth ball, hover-ball thing, Ninja Turtles in Time Arcade Ball Game, pushing kids in the ball pit, and of course elderly basketball. Tickets are an ancillary prize to be enjoyed when the winning at everything is done, really I wish that tokens were a redeemable prize where in theory if you sink enough hoops playing oldsketball you could play forever.

Sadly that's not reality, the reality I live in involves Titanic-based tomfoolery and Morgan Freeman narrated asteroid lectures, or maybe even Morgan Freeman Rainy Driving: The Game.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Overweight!

I did it!!!

Last night I officially became overweight* with a meal that would have made Michael Phelps proud...check this out Michael.

appetizers
  • Table bread 1/2 loaf with 2 oz. butter.... 403 calories, 46 g. of fat
  • Mushrooms Neptune 1 serving (i'm assuming that means the whole platter right?) 380 calories, 31g of fat (and very possibly much. much more)
  • Calamari (once again assuming 1 serving means entire platter) 646 calories, 36g of fat
  • 1/4 serving of crab and cheese dip...278 calories, 18.6g of fat.

Entree

  • Keg Size New York Peppercorn Steak...1113 calories, 76.3g of fat
  • Garlic Mashed Potatoes...382 calories...22.1g of fat
  • Baked Parmesan Tomato...38 calories, 1.7g of fat

Other peoples food

Fortunately for me C.J. was sick, and apparently does not like prime rib, and as always my dad filled up on pop, and then overestimated his eating abilities...

  • C.J's small prime rib...794 calories, 64g of fat.
  • 1/3 of dad's Keg size prime rib...443 calories, 36.3g of fat
  • C.J's frizzled onions...138 calories, 7.1g of fat.
  • Dad's vegetable medley, 124 calories, 1.2g of fat.

Dessert

  • Billy Miner Pie (keg size)...884 calories, 36g of fat
  • stealthy bite of cj's brownie sundae while he wasn't looking...???

Totals: 5,623 calories, 376.3g of fat (not including the keg size extra spicy caesar because no nutritional information was available)


To put that into perspective the average healthy male should consume 2500 calories, and 70-80g of fat in an entire day. I easily doubled the calories, and almost put 5 times the amount of fat in my body in a span of an hour.


hmmm, I just realized this entire blog consisted of me listing my dinner, and had nothing interesting whatsoever...much like brents blog about puns (zing!)** To make it up to you here is a picture of a baby penguin.





*overweight according to the BMI
** your puns were actually pretty good

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Here are some puns.

Canadian Christopher Neil sentenced in pedophile trial in Thailand.

Well, you do the Thai, you do the time.

I came up with this next pun after realizing that Tim Hortons and Timothy's had astonishingly similar names (both contain the first name Timothy or derivations thereof) and wanted to come up with my own coffee shop name.

So my idea was for it to be called "Horton Serves a Brew".

In quotes that brought up zero results in Google, which I believe makes it un-sueable for copyright infringement.

Are either or those even puns? Hmm, this was a pretty terrible blog entry, as penance here's a picture of me eating two double scoop ice cream cones in front of a hungry four year old.


Later on he cried. He was being a Drama Dairy Queen, or you could say I "Basked" in "Robbin'" him of ice cream......CJ stood for "Ceriously Jilted".

I "Played-mean" and he "Screamed."

It was a "Rocky Road" of emotions.

Something something "Rum Raisin" CJ was sad, something something, "Chunky Monkey".

That Pralines and Cream pun was a bit of a stretch.

Alright I think that's enough.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sports Update: Olympic Version!!!




Since when are 14 year olds allowed in the olympics??? Not only is it making me feel bad that at age 23 I have yet to qualify for a single olympic event, let alone win a gold medal, but looking at a 14 year old boy in a speedo makes me feel like I'm doing something very wrong.


Also, this is synchronized diving, you can't have a 14 year old diving next to 26 year old. They shouldn't just dive the same, but they should look the same. If I were president of the olympics (is that a thing?) it would be a three tenth deduction if you don't look the same. Now I know what you're thinking...wouldn't that give a huge advantage to the asian and african american teams? Well yes, it would, but here's my thinking...the chinese are going to win anyways, and as we all know african americans can't swim.


speaking of racism...you know who's a racist? Hayley Wickenheiser. Now I already knew this because a google search of "Hayley Wickenheiser is a racist" came back with 440 hits. But last night while watching the canadian softball team vs chinese taipei (which for some reason she was a commentator for) she pointed out that the chinese taipei team looked tired....Now I guess she isn't used to seeing asians as hockey is the whitest sport in the world, but seriously, someone needs to tell her that's just how they look. I was half expecting her to comment that the reason they were having trouble hitting was because they were squinting.


oh...ok so apparently Hayley Wickenheiser played softball for canada during the 2000 olympics...which means that her comment wasn't ignorant, but just flat out racist...or perhaps they actually were tired. but either way I think this proves that Hayley Wickenheiser is a man.


Monday, August 11, 2008

Disaster + Time + Cookies = Fun

I was going to make a post entitled "So...I'm Pretty the Best at Gemcraft." Inside which I would regale everyone how I was at level 91 and I would have a photo with MS-Paint doctored proof to back up my claims.

But I didn't, because I am a good person.

And also three pairs of similar entries in a row is about three too many....and I don't really know how to use MS Paint to follow through with that plan, and I wouldn't have been able to keep my post about Gemcraft as delightfully ramble-free as Ryan did.

Side note: When did being rambly or random become good things? A rambling post about a non-existent response post about levelship in a free online game to an imaginary readership is probably not the best place to make this point.

ANYWAY,

I was driving to town the other day when I caught sight of this of some commotion out of the corner of my eye.

Some girls soccer team was having a fundraiser by the lake and a bake-sale was the main attraction.

I would've eaten some delicious cookies myself but the line was like a hundred people long and it cost $5 per baked item. I also wouldn't have been able to have anyone take a picture of my face as it registered disgust, as they were selling giant cookies....Titanic sized-cookies if you will. So to register this fact they made the cookies boat-shaped and decorated them like the Titanic.

I would also like a picture of myself flopping the the lake, freezing cold and about to sink in the icy blue waves, while enjoying the tasty treat.

These cookies doesn't go far enough, children should be able to eat, and laugh and also play on all sorts of different types of human tragedy. Water parks should be full of Hindenburgs that burst and splash children with water, the Tangiwai Langhi would make an even better slide than the boring old Titanic, and way more people died in that which of course equals way more fun.
Anyone for Branch Davidian Brownies?

Look, I even restrained myself from making a Twin Towers/Drop-Zone type reference.
It'll still be like forty years before such an attraction will be fun.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

So...I'm Pretty Good At Gemcraft


In case you can't make that out it says level 82....you should be impressed. You should also be impressed that I was able to take a screenshot of the computer. And perhaps most of all, you should be impressed at how short I was able to keep this blog without rambling on...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sports Update: Continued Use of Confusingly Similar Blog Entries Enrage Nonexistent Readership

Booked the day off of not watching the Jays yesterday to watch the Jays (unless of course you read this blog Swayne, in which case, I was not watching the Jays). I think this showed great dedication on my part, especially after the ninth inning meltdown the night prior.

This dedication was rewarded as I was granted the news scoop of the century.

Dateline- Arlington Texas

'Tis the sixth inning of a back and forth Jays-Rangers game, Michael Young hits a dangerous curving shot to deep right field, Jays RF Brad Wilkerson leaps at the wall.

Despite this fans best intentions Wilkerson was able to make the catch (trap the ball on the wall)
and bring the Jays one out closer to sweet, sweet victory..

..wait a minute.

This fan looks strangely familiar.











Really Bartman? That was the best you could do? Move to Texas, change what side of the field you interfere on, stop listening to the games on the radio, and grow a horrendous disguise beard?

At the very least he does look much happier in his new locale.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPORTS UPDATE WITH A FASHION UPDATE:

Look, if you're going to wear a baseball glove to the game there is a simple rule...you have to be under 13 years old. If you're going to make yourself look like a fool the least you could do would be to change which arm you wear your watch on. Am I right ladies? For shame Bartman, for shame.

So yeah, I found Bartman. I am the best.

With this groundbreaking blog entry posted, and the news broken, I expect tons of media attention for finally locating Bartman. It wasn't easy but I did it.

I reach Level 34 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

Booked the day off work yesterday to watch the major league debut of Canadian Scott Richmond (unless ofcourse you read this blog Wayne, in which case I really did have an ear infection but I'm happy to report that I'm all better now) Unfortunately the TV had other ideas and decided to instead show reruns of poker, which in the end may have been for the best as the blue jays lack of clutch hitting would have angered me and I have been known to take out that anger on anything in range, including CJ, the remote control, and a perfectly good bowl of sun chips.

Back onto Poker...I hate poker, and I don't care what anyone says there is no skill involved, it's just like a game of war, or go fish, or hockey. Not only do I not like poker but I don't like anybody who plays poker. off the top of my head I can only think of those people on the poker commercials, and matts sundin. Matts sundin loves poker, I know this because a google search for "matts sundin loves poker" came back with 6770 hits. (Using this method I also discovered corn flakes kill people, and that pants are made of ghosts)

And in other sports related news...

I beat Carter and CJ in a dunk contest yesterday becoming what I believe to be the first person to ever win a dunk contest while wearing a moustache.

Matts Sundin continues to delay his decision on whether he will play next year, no doubt concerned that playing hockey will cut into his online poker time.

Team Catfish looks to win the cottage cup this weekend in the annual Cottage Softball Weekend Tournament.

And in non sports related news...

Hand sanitizer at front desk develops clog forcing streams of melon scented sanitizer into the face of unsuspecting members causing laughter, false promises to fix it by me.

I reach level 32 in Gemcraft...the cause of my long delay between blog entries

Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Strongly Worded Reply to A Fellow Blogger

I can explain baby, baby why won't you let me explain?

You see while you were on a week long vacation on the sunny beaches of Canada, I was on a week long vacation on the sunny streets of Canada City. And what a glorious week it was, I went to a Canada City Baseball-Fellows game and watched it from the lower deck instead of the 500 level tickets I paid for, I ate obscene amounts of Mike and/or Ike's, I saw a movie about The Bat Man, but most importantly I went to the Canada City Animal Containment Observatory.


The best thing about the CCACO is that the hungry hungry hippos are contained safely in a pool, that way they can't attack me. Here's a picture!

Just look at how hungry that hungry pygmy hippo looks. And if Ryan was that log (which coincidentally replicates his skinny build exactly)
would I jump in to save the day?

No, hippos are dangerous and highly territorial.
But for the sake of attempting to guilt him I will pretend to say yes instead.

Two other highlights of the visit to the CCACO were staring deeply into a Goliath bird-eating spiders tank to attempt to spot it. I caught a glimpse of yellow hair and thought that must be it, alas it was only a dead chick for the spider to devour.

We also got to see the cute Surinam toad. It was sitting on the edge of its pool and then dropped into the water where it slowly began to do backflips. It kept on backflippin' right to the bottom of the tank where it laid to rest on its back...and then it didn't move, we came back half an hour later but it was still on its back not moving on the floor of the water. So yeah, I saw a Surinam toad die in front of me. I didn't expect that when I decided to go to Canada City.

That's some pretty heavy stuff right? Isn't that a decent excuse for not writing while I was away?

A Strongly Worded Letter To A Fellow Blogger / E-Harmony

Really Brent? I came back from my one week vacation from the sunny beaches of Canada to find not a single post last week? Do even know how many angry e-mails I received from angry blog readers this morning? Zero! Our readers were so outraged that in retaliation they didn't bother to write anything either...not even any comments about how I've opened their eyes to the wonderful world of telletubies. Instead I just had 23 e-mails from the e-harmony account I created last friday when i was bored at work...

Which brings me to you E-Harmony...First of all, despite answering all questions with brutal honesty my personality profile is way off...helping others before I help myself? I don't think so, If Brent and I were to go on an African Safari trip and he were to be chased by a hungry hungry hippo, would I risk my life to save his? Defintely not, especially not after the stunt he pulled last week.

A steady personality? I don't think so E-Harmony, I am a volcano of emotion ready to erupt at any moment. I'm like the volcano on that show I watched on Discovery HD last week "supervolcano". My eruptions may be rare but once my magma chamber fills to a certain level even a small eruption could trigger a super eruption covering the entire earth in ash and triggering the next ice age.....(I probably could have come up with a better analogy there)

And finally E-Harmony, how am i supposed to tell if the people you matched me with are fat if I can't see a picture of them? You can say our personalities are "perfectly matched" all you want but I specifically told you that the fitness level of my matches was "extremely important" to me and I can't tell unless I see a picture. Also 59.95 for one month? really? Now I'll never know if me and Jaclyn, 22 from London are soul mates. She describes herself as easy-going, loyal, and funny. She's a cook who claims to have a passion for food and a "great sence of humour" (I can look past her poor spelling) but has her passion for food gone too far? Because that is something I can't look past, and a picture is the only way for me to judge that.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Blogging From The Past!



Far too early to be creative so instead here's a blog from the past...

If your anything like me there's something that you have to do before you get your day started. Something that if you don't do, it throws your whole day off. for some poeple it's something simple like showering or eating breakfast, for others it might be going to the gym, or reading the newspaper, maybe even watching the sports highlights. But if your anything like me it's watching teletubbies on pbs kids. I've heard some people call teletubbies "a show for babies" but they're wrong, teletubbies can be enjoyed by everyone regardless of age, If you ask me teletubbies is not "a show for babies", but in fact, the perfect show, and here's why...

1) simplicity: you have four characters: tinky-winky, dipsy, lala, and poe. All of them are colour coded and are different sizes, so you'll never get confused, they don't spring random characters on you all of a sudden. You can be confident that when you sit down to watch an episode of teletubbies, you won't see anything other then these four characters (with the exception of the occasional bunny rabbit, and baby in the sun)

2) No plot: How many times has this,or something like this happened to you? Your watching an episode of the OC when you make a comment that you haven't seen marissa in awhile. people give you a weird look and proceed to tell you that marissa is dead. terrible isn't it? but thats what happens on most tv shows with a basic plot, things change. But not teletubbies, nothing ever changes in teletubby land, missed yesterdays episode? doesn't matter, todays episode will have absolutely nothing to do with it.

3) sensory stimulation: there's so many colours, and lots of music, and dancing.

4) educational value: not only will you be entertained beyond your wildest dreams, but you'll learn valuable life lessons. Today for example I found out what a circle looks like, and that sharing can be fun. won't learn that anywhere else.

5) tummy vision: how many so called 'adult shows" have tummy vision? thats right, zero!

Now the only problem with teletubbies is that sometimes when my friends ask me what happened, I can never seem to recall, it's so good that everything just seems to blend together into one enormous happy blur . so today while watching i brought down my notebook, and took somewhat detailed notes on what was happening scene by scene....

The epsidode started like all other episodes, with the theme song, and then that magical fan whirling, and then that speakerphone thingy coming out of the ground and announcing "it's time for teletubbies" the teletubbies then emerge from behind the hills and proceed to introduce themselves in case of the unlikely event that you forgot who was who, or have never seen the show. The teletubbies then join hands and do a poorly choreographed dance though the hills of teletubby land.

The next scene starts with a blank yellow screen, then poe appears, and dances and soon multiplies while the narrator (who has a lovely soothing british accent) counts the number of poe's. This continues until three, then the screen changes to orange and the same thing happens with lala. no sign of dipsy (my favourite teletubby) or tinky winky (my least favourite teletubby)

hooray! dipsy is here in the next scene with poe. They walk in a circular motion dropping different colours of sand where they have walked. In the end they have formed a circle. they stop and look at the circle confused, fortunately the narrator informs them it is a circle. dipsy and poe proceed to say the word 'circle" while giggling. the circle then dissapears and the process is repeated.

Tummy vision time!! on todays tummy vision we peer into dipsy's tummy and see a group of british children making art with coloured sand. I'm concerned with the lack of parental supervision, not so much for the kids sake, but for the arts sake. My fears prove to be true and the final product is substandard.

The next scene is perhaps my favourite of the day. A swing magically appears in teletubby land in front of lala. lala seems unsure of this swing, but eventually conquers any doubts and proceeds to ride the swing. Poe appears soon after and stands beside the swing, swinging her arms in unison with lala's swinging. both of them seem overjoyed. This goes on for awhile until the narrator suggests that maybe lala should share the swing with poe. Lala thinks this is a great idea, and lets poe on the swing, but disaster soon strikes as poe falls of the swing (and by fall i mean get off the swing, spin around a few times, do an odd dance, and fall to the ground...perhaps the least believable fall ever, but i'm not sure i could handle the stress of poe falling for realsies) anyways this continues for her first three times , but then lala shows her how and on her fourth attempt she succeeds. she is a wonderful swinger.

The final scene focuses on some bunny rabbits for a minute, then switches over to the teletubbies who have their arms linked and seem to be playing a game of copy cat. tinky winky does one action and then the others proceed to copy him. this ranges from simple actions such as moving their fingers to very complex actions such as jumping or balancing on one foot. (poe seems to have trouble with the balancing, perhaps the reason she had trouble on the swing) The speakerphone then rises from the ground and announces that it's time for the teletubies to say goodbye. they say there goodbye's then proceed to a jump into the hole where i can only assume they live. thus concluding another incredible episode.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Continuity

A member of my family got fired from their job because they urinated in the company parking lot during their shift.

Wait a minute, I promised to keep that a secret, this much shorter writing topic has hilariously not worked to my benefit as I intended.

Damn you WishMaster!

I wish I had never stumbled upon your amulet filled tomb.

Dear Diary....

...one of these days I'm going to get three wishes granted to me by some sort of specter.
I really hope it's a giant blue one who cracks jokes to me and my monkey pal Abu.

Most of the time when I think about things that will never happen to me it doesn't really affect my life once I'm done plotting how I would avoid certain death, or how I would kick the ninja's throwing stars back at him.

But the scenario where I am granted wishes has. I now avoid saying "I wish..." at all costs, maybe I've been granted limited secret wishes that I don't know about, and if not it's still good practice for when I get real wishes.....although if I do have secret wishes I guess that plan is the worst one in human history if I keep it up.

Everyone knows wishes don't come cheap, maybe it's punishment for cutting off Abu's paw and using it for the illicit wish giving powers monkey paws possess that makes wishes come with a twist.

Or maybe it's just a metaphor to teach morals that doesn't quite work, just like every fairy tale. (Seriously what am I supposed to get out of Jack and the Beanstalk? Trading valuable things for worthless things like beans is...good?!?!?!)

Another terrible consequence is that you can never casually "wish" for something ever again.
I don't know why but I always imagine the same scenario for accidental wishes, I'm walking, I'm tired, I still have quite a ways to go and I had to wear my uncomfortable shoes because I wasn't allowed to bring my other ones just because they smell like I've never worn socks in them. (An unkempt exaggeration, I wore socks in them the first few times I got the shoes a couple years ago.)

"Man I wish my feet weren't so sore" I would surely vent without thinking.

BAM!!!!!!1111!!!1!!!!

A cloud of purple smoke explodes over my feet. "Wh-wh-wh-whaa happened?"

As the smoke clears I get the first view of my new shoes, I dunno they're made of rubies or something, this story got too long and I got lazy.

I wish I had thought of something shorter to write about.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Google Maps Let Me Down Again

I definitely don't live here

But who does live at 9504, E 63rd St, Raytown MO, 64133? Why does he live in the middle of what appears to be a busy street? And perhaps most importantly where is Wayne? My shift is over in 5 minutes and I can only pretend to be nice to be old people for so long...



Monday, June 30, 2008

R.A. Dickey is My Second Favorite Knuckleballer




















I have a baseball pitcher/punching related hypothesis, hence the totally appropriate pitcher picture accompaniment.

It's double appropriate as the Rays and Red Sox have started their first series since this brawl.

My favorite part of this picture is how from this angle it totally looks like James Shields is connecting with this punch.

Shouldn't pitchers be awesome at punching stuff? Their whole job involves whipping their arm to maximum velocity, which would seem to dovetail with punching stuff nicely.

But brawls have shown us time and time again that most pitchers flail and miss wildly like Mr. Shields, or turn sideways and fall over a la Pedro Martinez. Or how about that time blog-tributor Ryan got kneed in the face? Remember that? (Sidenote: Ryan you can't get on me for not helping you in that fight, I got punched in the face, you can however blame Garnett, or Kyle who has proven quite clearly he is a liability when drinking)

To test my hypothesis I want to go to a bar that has one of those sweet punching bag games to see if punching from the pitching wind-up generates more force, and also to play that stacking blocks game because it is fun and last time I was this close to winning a mini-IPod (WSIPOD).

After the results become public knowledge I imagine pitchers will at least try the pitching windup power punch when charged, I mean even if it misses everyone jumps in so fast it won't matter.

Everyone except RA Dickey that is, both because knuckleball pitchers don't get charged too often, and also because his windup is slow, girlish looking, and balk inducing. Go Jays.

Addendum: My predicted Rance Mulliniks response to being asked to party with the DoodleBops was awkward silence, sadly I was incorrect.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Life Lessons

I've made a huge mistake....

At this very moment I am at work listening to a CD called "Opera without words" (which is exactly what it sounds like) while playing a little game called "the poem game" (which is exactly as fun as it sounds)

for those of you at home who aren't familiar with the game, and would like to play at home here's how you play: You'll need two people (one of whom is old) and a computer. The old person recites a line of poetry that he can remember, then the second person on the computer tries to find the entire poem on the internet and in the rare case he does, he then reads the entire poem to the old person out loud who then replies "ah yes i remember that one" and this goes on and on until he finishes his workout.


There's a lesson to be learned in all of this, and that is never be nice to old people or pretend to be interested in anything they say. This would have never come about had I not pretended to show interest in his book "victorian parlour poems" (which i might add he is bringing to his next workout)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Friendly Game of Fifty-Two Pick-Up Ends in Tears, Mess

The only card game I have ever enjoyed was a baseball based card game that four or five of us briefly played at lunch in high school, until I accidentally left the deck in my pocket and it went through the wash. I can't remember what it was called, and I imagine googling "baseball card game" will produce too many results to sift through. So let's just call it "Wild Cardz". That sounds believable and baseball related.

So it was much to my chagrin when I went over to my rich cousins house and despite their multiple pinball machines and 8 foot rock-climbing wall/bunk beds my lame cousin asked if I wanted to play cards instead of doing something that didn't suck.

I knew I had to feign interest or else he would lose interest in me and I would have to return home and help shovel mulch from the back of a truck into smaller piles in our driveway, avoiding doing work was the whole reason I had gone over to my cousins in the first place, so I reluctantly said yes, I would indeed play cards.

"But wait fair cousin" I began, "We should play this fun new game I just learned. Do you want to play it?"

"Sure!!" He replied, "Is it like Crazy Eights?"

"Umm it's pretty much the same, except we'll need to use all four of these decks to play. It's called Fifty-Two Pickup." (Editors Note: I am well aware this would in fact be Two Hundred and
Eight Plus Jokers Plus How to Play Bridge Pick Up)

One of the decks was brand new, so that obviously needed to be shuffled before we could play.
I told my cousin I had injured my fingers on my left hand by accidentally putting them in the toaster, so he would have to shuffle as well as get me a cool beverage to soothe my wounds.

The cards were ready, my Coke Zero was refreshing...it was the moment of truth. I could still back out of throwing all the cards on the floor and telling him to pick them up, but then I would have to play Crazy Eights with four whole decks, I realize now that the length of Crazy Eights is not affected by the number of cards used....that realization could have saved me some drama.

It was too late, I grabbed the cards and tossed them in the air, "FIFTY TWO PICK UP!" I yelled.
I grabbed my belly in mock laughter, telling my cousin now he had to pick up all the cards or else I would tell everyone he was Arch Lord Fife Twoo-loserin.

I never got a chance to introduce his Lordship to the world because my cousin broke down.
I mean the cards weren't even that widely dispersed, sure he has small hands but he could pick them up in under a minute, and reorganize them into their respective decks in another ten.

Under threats of "I'm telling on you" I ran away, all the way home.
Oh no! My parents are still in the drive way doing "chores", if they see me they'll force me to help and I'll be easy pickings for forced apologies once my aunt calls to pass on what happened.

I manned up and did the mature thing, I hid in the downstairs tub with my laptop until the storm blew over. By the time dinner was prepared all was almost forgotten, I was able to claim my cousin mistakenly remembered the events and also got to watch the Jays destroy the Reds instead of doing work.

All in all another excellent day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tales From Work: Bringing Productivity To New Lows

Today at work a safety inspector came in which would have been fine had she not walked in while I was playing spice girls loudly throughout the gym (due to the experiment which shall be mentioned later) while seeing if I could knock the punching bag over with a kick (I could by the way)

I'll be surprised if the owner doesn't receieve a phone call from her as during the inspection I failed to locate a fire extinguisher (turns out we have 2) and all the ice packs that we have were currently being used to chill my drink. (I was able to locate the first aid kit though after having to use it last week after an incident involving the punching bag that we won't speak of)

Now as for this weeks old person experiment...surprisingly most of the old folks are surprisingly tolerant of spice girls, S Club 7, and other music of that nature (now whether it's because they actually don't mind it, or whether their hearing has deteriorated to the point where they can no longer hear it is up for debate) The middle aged men (age 40-50) definitely had a problem with it though...specifically to the songs "shake your groove thing" and "It's raining men". Most of them were very polite in asking to change the music, with the exception of Dave who stopped working out and stared angrily at me...Dave scares me and from here on out no more experiments will be done with Dave.

Next time on Tales From Work: Will Ryan's drinking of non-alcoholic beer cause an uproar at work?

Monday, June 16, 2008

This Is NOT a Gay Wedding Countdown Blog....Yet

As can be clearly seen I spent about zero seconds picking a name and layout for this blog endeavor (blogdeavor?).

The naming style I haphazardly chose is apparently a common one...for people about to get married.

For example: sarahandchristian.com, daveandlyndsay.com, and what I believe to be the first man-robot woman wedding blog mitchandmolly2008.wordpress.com

Heck even friend of Ryan and Brent, PJ is getting in on the wedding blog bandwagon with his inspired Thirdtimeisthecharm.com

So to head any rumors off at the pass Ryan and I are not getting married.
Especially not in the current economic state. Nope, I was just too lazy to think of the connotations, and now after creation it's too late, especially after our inspired blog progress (blogress?), we had 37 hits yesterday... 37!

Take that myfabgaywedding.blogspot.com

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A Pre-emptive Strike Against Richard Griffin

I feel I have a pretty good handle of what makes hated Toronto Star columnist Richard Griffin tick. He hates anything related to "Moneyball", supports the idea that JP Ricciardi is interested only in white players, and feels common sense is optional for column writing.

After todays unfortunate Jays defeat he will write an insane column about Reed Johnson and how the Jays would be a million games better if they had not waived him. He was against the move from the get go and if he doesn't jump on this opportunity to talk about how the Jays don't value "intangibles", and grittiness", and other nonsense I will be shocked.

Did I like Reed Johnson? Sure I did, by all accounts he seemed like a great guy, and the fact he was a small white guy likely did wonders for his reputation (cough Eckstein cough).

But the fact remains that he is currently a below average offensive player coming off a few injury plagued years and right now the Jays are in the same place without him as they have always been with him. Barely above mediocrity.

In hindsight is Johnson playing better than the hydra consisting of Mench, Wilkerson, Stewart, Lind, and Coats? Yes he is, but he's still not having a great year. His homer today was only his second, and he's only OPSing in the mid-700s. Had the Jays kept him how much better off would they be? A game or two at most?

I'm also predicting Griffin will take the insane position that the Jays clubhouse is worse off for losing Johnson's inherent grittiness (read: whiteness), and that this is hurting the team greatly.

I'm praying he does do this. Supporting the opposite positions that the Jays are racist and favor white (gritty) ball players and also that the Jays were dumb to waive an average gritty (white) ball player in favor of an average African-American (not-gritty) player will please me greatly.

Please Rick (can I call you Rick?) don't let me down, I know you can do it.

It's in you, I can feel it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Worlds' Biggest I-Pod (A Photo Essay)


My I-Pod no longer will load new material onto it. It's quite traumatic for me as I mainly use it to listen to podcasts and thus have a constant need for new sustenance, it's like a personal auditory IV drip.

I however have come up with a new solution, I haven't patented it yet, but I call it "The Worlds' Biggest I-Pod." And now for the first time ever here is photographic evidence of its design splendor.



Quite a beaut isn't she? Just like an I-Pod it plays all the music and podcasts I desire. And its battery power lasts for a couple hours, plenty of time to get to the gym and back.

There is a downside I hadn't considered however. While walking downstairs in the witching hour with my WBIPOD I became blinded. The WBIPOD has a much brighter display than a RSIPOD (regular sized) and it doesn't automatically turn off after a few seconds. I couldn't see the steps in front of me, even with tentative baby steps I became unsteady and almost fell to my doom.

I put the ungodly memory behind me long enough to recreate the chilling tableau.

(DRAMATIC RECREATION)

As you can see I am blinded by the light.
I was going to make the area surrounding me dark to indicate that it was nighttime. But it turns out I have no idea how to use the fill-in tool in MS paint.

As such there is a helpful ghost (Mortimer) there to remind you that it is very dark apart from the screen on my WBIPOD.




(DRAMATIC RECREATION BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS)

Oh no!

I am cut open on the chin and even after falling the WBIPOD is still shining in my eyes, giving me no respite from everlasting day.

On the plus side, the WBIPOD is still trucking, it appears no worse for wear after my almost trip headfirst down the stairs.


Despite its weaknesses at night I am still very pleased with my WBIPOD during the day and as a workout tool.

Here I am coming home from a run, headband in place and bandage on my horrific wound.

(Full disclosure: I tried to take my WBIPOD to the local gym to get pictures of me shooting hoops and having fun. But since my brother isn't a member he couldn't get in and I had to ask a staff member to take my picture.
Following questions of "wait, what are you doing?" And statements of "No, we don't allow picture taking in here, we've had problems with people taking pictures of children." I was forced to return home, alone, and defeated, and pictureless.)

When everyone has a WBIPOD and I am famous they'll be begging me to come back and take a picture at their gym.

You'll see.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Blogging From The Past!

I wanted to write a post about the Jay's glorious extra inning win last night over the Mariners, but unfortunately the baseball gods had other ideas...so instead here's something I wrote several years ago...

I've never really caught on to the whole axe thing (you know the deoderant spray) but I was going through my spongebob mini garbage can the other day (where I keep my random stuff) and I realized I have like 7 cans of it, and I figured well I might as well put this stuff to use. So over the past week I have sampled the various scents and spray techniques in order to better understand the axe phenomenon.

Monday: Today I sampled "pheonix" the axe website describes this scent as a "bold and maverick scent" which confused me so I went to dictionary.com where it described maverick as "un unbranded cow, or other range animal who is separated from it's mother) Why I would want to smell like that also confused me, but i suppose that cowboys probably smell like that, and if there's one thing in life i've learned it's that cowboys are sexy. I used the "T" spraying technique (across the chest and down the middle) I suppose i kinda smelled like a cowboy, one that was drenched in cheap deoderant spray, but a cowboy nevertheless. I was feeling confident...but maybe a little too confident, and that night I was walking to the lcbo when a wave of bravery came over me, i promptly looked up at the sky and challenged any aliens out there that they couldn't get me (i'm deathly afraid of aliens by the way) I'm not sure if the axe wore off right then, but i immediately realized what I had done and promptly turned around, ran back inside the house, and buried myself under the covers.

Tuesday: Still nervous from last nights happenings and a lack of sleep, I decided to go with "Orion" who apparently was the ancient god of hunting. Sounds like someone aliens wouldn't want to mess with! I also switched up my spray technique to a basic circle. The combination proved to be a resounding success, not only did I not get abducted by aliens, but i actually talked to a girl....on msn.

Wednesday: Despite the thrilling success of Tuesday I wanted more, it was time to pull out the big guns, Axe unlimited, a scent rumored by the Axe website to give me unlimited power. And if that wasn't enough I changed my spray technique from the basic circle to the the five pillars of Islam! With this combination I had enough confidence to leave the house for the first time since Monday's little incident. I started my day by going to the grocery store because I was out of soy milk, and that's when the power of unlimited first began to show. I was walking by the bank on the way to ultra when this guy was coming out of the bank and he was holding the door open for me, and even though I wasn’t going in the bank I went in anyways because I was afraid he would hurt me. I then stood there awkwardly for a few seconds then pretended to look at my watch and ran home to play Pokemon...what a glorious day, i finally caught a pikachu!

Thursday: Woke up feeling great. The last two days had been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I began today by watching David Blaine and I was inspired by him because he was able to stand on that pillar for like a day and a half to really test his limits and see what he is really capable of. So I decided that this morning I would test my limits just like blaine so I planned on standing at the curb at the end of my driveway for as long as possible. I ran upstairs and sprayed on some axe (went with pulse today, it apparently will get me in the rhythm, and balance and rhythm are pretty much the same thing) and to enhance my balance further I just used one long straight line down my middle. anyways things were going great until I saw two guys with G-Unit hats walking towards me and I had to go inside.

Friday: I had been saving a special scent for Friday...thats right, clix, the new scent endorsed by the super sexy and talented nick lachey, if it's good enough for him it's good enough for me. To make the day even more exciting I actually had a pitch counter that I could walk around with, just like in the commercial. But first I had to judge what should constitute a "click". In the commercial they "click" everytime a girl gives them a sexy stare, but my pitch counter only went to 999, and I can only assume that on an average day I far exceed that. So I decided that i would "click" every time a girl initiated a conversation with me. Final tally for Friday...1 (thank god my mom called).

Final Thoughts: Overall I would have to say it was a pretty typical week for me. But if I had to judge the most effective scent I would have to go with "orion" and as for spray technique, i figure my best bet would be to spray it directly into a girls eye and then kidnap them while they are disoriented.

On tap for this weekend: I have the whole house to myself this weekend, so as any typical 19 year old university would do I plan on building a fort, getting into my spongebob jammies, and going from there...




Foolproof

I spend an exorbitant amount of time planning ways to escape situations that will never happen to me.

For instance while I was in public school I often thought about how I would handle it if liquid magma seeped under the door while I was in the bathroom.

My plan was to hop up on the weird hand-washing fountain thing Crossland PS had. Up there I would just wait until the lava hardened and then I could waltz my way out of the school and over the charred remains of my schoolmates. I would get the added benefit that the motion sensing fountain would cool my ankles with refreshing water as I waited.

This all assumes that lava can't melt plastic, and that its radiant heat could be withstood by sprinklings of ankle water. I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that both of those facts are true.

Seriously, how do people manage to die unnaturally? Tornado? Run away from it.
World War I? Don't get shot. Cancer? Just don't get it.

If the world was entirely populated by me things would be different, the population would be 10 billion, pro sports would be in shambles, and asexual reproduction would be the rage.

One day perhaps.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Tales From Work: Bringing Productivity To New Lows


I'm pretty impressed that I was able to upload a picture and you should be too...

Now that hockey season is over my fun with excluding all hockey related news on the sports board at work is over, replaced by fake hockey news beginning with this piece courtesy of the onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/hockey_ticket_sales

Old guys's response to seeing "Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly" as a headline on the board "Isn't hockey season over?" and my reply "It sure is" he gave a me a slightly confused look and then continued on with his workout...sadly nobody else has noticed.

Also how do I make those fancy links that don't show the whole address?...you know, the ones where just one or two words are highlighted and then you just click on them...I'm looking at you Brent, our blog does not yet at this moment have millions of readers worldwide, that will take at least a few weeks, possibly more if you don't include any fancy pictures and links like me.

Next time on Tales From Work, old people's response to the spice girls and other music of that nature.






Misc.

Everyone who drives slower than me is old and doesn't know what they are doing.
Everyone who drives faster than me is dangerous, and a menace to all our safety.
People who drive at the same speed as me are annoying and blind spot hazards.

With the advent of the Internet, and all its wonders, I find mannequins to be far less attractive.

The twist ending of The Happening should be that it was all an M. Night Shyamalan dream.
He then slowly awakes turns to the camera and says "I shouldn't make that, that would be an awful movie."

Three Things I care far less about now than I did in Grade 2, 1) Peer pressure 2) Cursive writing and 3) The Suntots

Three Things I care about far more now than I did in Grade 2, 1) Showing people who care about things how little I care about that particular thing 2) Proper, comma, usage and 3) The Smoggies

I have no recollection of how the Billy Goats Gruff Story ends. I'm going to postulate that the goats become scared once they realize a Troll is under the bridge that they wish to cross. First they look for an alternate way to cross the chasm, but there isn't one. They try to get a beaver to cut a tree down that they can use to bridge the gap, but the beavers union wants an outrageous amount of goat dollars to commission the job.

Eventually the goats decide to make a run for it, and just like in the real wild, the Troll only eats the old and the sick, in this case being Grandpa Goat. The rest of the goats make it across the bridge to Goat City where they quickly forget about the troll and go about grazing and other goat like activities.

The thing I like about my version, is that it teaches children how it really goes down in the wild.
I would also think about replacing the bridge with a field, and the troll for a pack of wolves.