▼ December (1)

A wise man once said "the pen is mightier than the sword." That man? Jesus Christ (Leviticus 7:19), who said that moments before writing the Bible...and about a year before he was ironically stabbed to death in an alleyway. Obviously it would be blasphemous not to follow my one true Lord and Saviors advice....TIMES TWO!

Times One: Jesus Had A Beard. My bracelet compels me to do whatever Jesus did, so ipso facto I should have a beard.

Times Two: Pen/Sword Thing again, Jesus is telling me that rather than punching my girlfriends kidneys to make her see that beards are great, I should just write down that I will punch her if she doesn't let me get my way.

I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS IF I CAN'T GROW A BEARD. IT WON'T LEAVE ANY BRUISES AT ALL. IF ANYONE ASKS A SHEEP BUTTED YOU IN THE KIDNEYS. MY PUNCHES ARE AT PERFECT SHEEP'S HEAD LEVEL HEIGHT. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Done and done, pen is mightier.

Alternately, I could use the written word to craft a flawless argument to convince her that beards are the way to go. It's not what Jesus intended, but it's worth a shot.

The key to tricking people is to keep in mind that people like some things, but that they do not like other things. To get them to like things they do not like, all you have to do is fool them into thinking something they like is very similar to something they do not like.

Did you know that I once hated Fruit by the Foot but loved Bubble Tape? That was until Ryan told me that despite their superficial differences, they actually have a very subtle similarity. Both will stick in Brad Hansons' hair if you cover them with glue. Now I LOVE Fruit by the Foot!

So Girlfriend, I know that you think beards are gross, I know you also think you like your pet cat. Say, did you ever notice that beards and pet cats are very similar to one another?

They're both hardly noticeable and demand little attention at first. Then they get itchy. As they grow older they get pretty patchy, and the moustache part won't really fill in so you need to use that eyebrow pencil thing. At that point they're still pretty itchy and will irritate anything that rubs against it. Finally, before they reach their full potential you have to get rid of them to go to work. You chop them into tiny pieces with five blades and wash their remains down the sink.

As a last resort, you should also remember that the name of something has a big influence on how you think of it.

Hey, do you want a tiny plate of corn chips with a few pieces of grated cheese and a cup of red sauce? Of course not! But do you want Mucho Con Nachos? I'm halfway to the Borders just thinking about it. (The Mexican Restaurant is in the Mall next to Borders.)

Good bye "gross beard." Hello "Un Hombre Con MUCHO Barbo."

Still not convinced? Oh, you are? Well, that was easier than I thought.

RyanandBrent Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

Upsets...


In Baseball, the Red Sox did what no team in history had done before, and came back from a 3-0 defecit to beat the Yankees in the ALCS. In College Football, Appalachian State defeated Michigan in what some called "the biggest upset in American sports" and in Ice Hockey, the USA upset the USSR in what is now referred to as "The Miracle on Ice".

Checkers had never had an upset story of it's own, its always played second fiddle to slightly more popular sports such as Chess, Backgammon, and Ice Hockey...that is until Tuesday November 24th. A day which will forever be remembered in Checkers history as the day the "Miracle on the Checkerboard" took place.

The game started out as a back and forth affair...that is until my opponent executed a clever "double jump" to obtain the games first "king". She soon executed another double jump, and things began to look bleak for me. I had thoughts of giving up, I was prepared to throw the rest of the game just to get it over with. But that's when I came to my senses. I thought about my favourite Checkers player Leon H. Goans, and my dreams of one day playing in the NCA (National Checkers Association). I thought about my favourite team, the Seattle TripleJumpers, and the comeback they had vs. the Sacramento Kings in game 3 of the Checkers Cup. I thought about the fact I was playing a girl, and how embarrassing it would be to lose. And as these thoughts raced through my head, I felt that competitive fire burning in my heart once again. I couldn't just give up, I was going to give this game everything I had...

At this point in time she had 5 kings compared to my 1 king and 1 single. I knew the only chance I had was to get that single to become a King, and with that I raced that single across the board one space at a time faster than a lightning bolt until he became a king. it was now 5-2 in her favour, a defecit that no checker player had ever overcome. My next step was to run, and wait for an opening to attack, and soon enough after getting frustrated at my constant hiding she made a mistake leading to a double jump by me. The defecit was down to 3-2, and I now had momentum on my side. We soon after exchanged blows making it 2-1.

Now usually 2-1 is an insurmountable lead in checkers. But she was rattled...I could see it her in moves, she was no longer playing to win, she was playing not to lose. And soon after making it even...I trapped her in the corner capping off "the miracle on the checkerboard"

and now all I all have to do is wait for next June's Checker draft where I can only assume I will be a top pick. Looks like things are finally falling into place...

And In Other News:

Ryan moves into 1st Place in Fantasy Basketball Pool!!!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served in Equal, Constant, Tiny Doses

I'm going to get you for this, and when you least expect it.

I wouldn't expect it right now, not like right after you just said that.

Really? Or are you just saying that because you do expect it, but want me to think that you don't.

Well....if you can't tell that now how are you going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment of my least expectations in the future? I assumed when you made that threat that you had some sort of expectation gauge.

I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I guess I was going to go home, plan my revenge, then use random.com, the number one random number generating website to randomly pick a number between one and thirty. Then I would get you on that day next month. Probably at night time, because I think sleepy people have lower expectations of someone hiding under their bed and then grabbing their leg and yelling "Boo" than an awake person would.

Now I'm just going to have equal expectations of you doing that every night next month to cover my bases.

Hmm, in that case then I can either scare you once, or I could split that scare into thirty equal mini-scares every day. If your expectations are equal the whole month it works out the same for me. Would you not expect that?

Actually now after all this talk the thing that I would expect the least is if you just gave up your plans and hung out in your apartment instead.

You can come over and we can play Smash Brothers if you want.

Sure.

Alright, but I'm going to Final Smash you when you least expect it! Would you expect it less if I was Kirby or Ness? Ooh or King Deedee?

Zero Suit Samus.

Wait, nevermind. I'm outta here.

See ya later buddy!

Deck The Deck With Decks A'Plenty

Hey there neighbour...ooh that's a beaut of a new deck you just put in there. I was wondering what was going on back here, is it normal to have your deck constructed under a big black tarp?

Hi Cranston, this marvel of modern decknology was put together by the top scientists in the field, I was on a waiting list for months before their crew had an opening. This is a brand new DeckPro Deckamyid model. It was crafted out of gems. It's a Gemcraft. You think I'm just going to walk every Cran, Ston, and Nancy through exactly how it's made? Why would I give any of you a Gemcraft Walkthrough?

Well alright then...but I guess you'll have to have Nance and me over for a grand opening barbecue to celebrate your new Deckamire.

Right, so that you can sneak away to the Northwest quadrant, lift up the false bottom and steal the blueprints? It would look ridiculous if we both had DeckPro Deckamyids' side by side. Remember how I put up a basketball net and then you put up a basketball net? We look like the Hard Lime Gold Trotskers. Ridiculous!!!!

Well geez, why don't you just hire some armed guards then for your deck? And then instead of your neighbors you can have the armed guards over for a barbeque. But then they'll be terrible party guests because they're so used to talking on Walkie-Talkies that they'll end every sentence with Over and it'll be really annoying.

Don't be silly, all my armed guards are deaf since deaf people have better eye sight. The better to spot intruders with. Plus they're as silent as a hedge. And then I dress them up like hedges. I always put them on my wifes' team when we play Taboo so I always win.

Oh, and I'm sure you'll put up a big barbed wire fence that will block our view of the beautiful Ray Twinney Sports and Recreation Complex.

I think that'd be too much work, the guard dogs Frisbees would always end up flying over it and we'd have to walk all the way around to retrieve them. But I'll keep it in mind. Now if you don't mind I'm going to deck the deckmas tree with deck o'lanterns. Have a deck deck!

Exeunt

YOUR COMPREHENSIVE NUIT BLANCHE 2009 COVERAGE

At Nuit Blanche we stopped to see what was going on at the church across the street from the ROM.

There was an art installation there that was a striking metaphor. So striking I forgot to get Pinka to take any pictures of it.....and a Google image search for "nuit blanche art thing" hasn't worked out that well.

On the pulpit there was a tree covered in kites. Each of the kites' strings were entangled with branches and trapped, never to soar again. On the floor, connected to the strings were a number of postcards, each of which had peoples hopes and wishes for the future on them.

We all have wishes for events we want to happen, or things we want to have. But when we throw these wishes into the air like kites they just get tangled in the tree of life. This tangling obscures what life should really be all about.

I'm not sure what that is, I didn't finish reading the displays explanation. I think it has something to do with 1080 Snowboarding for the Nintendo 64. You'll never beat that Gold Snowboard Guy if you just wish about it. You actually have to get out there, on that virtual snowboard and go faster than him and/or do lots of tricks on your virtual snowboard. I suggest using Kensuke Kimachi.

Not wanting to be left out I wrote a wish to be attached to a kite.

"I wish that when I die, instead of being dead forever that there was a way to not be dead. And instead I would live forever.

Oh well....."

And that was about it for Nuit Blanche. Although I also found out I can dance the Charleston better than I can dance any other dance. Which is to say slightly below averagely.

I Went on a Trip, yeah.

I Went on a Trip, yes.

They say variety is the spice of life. That means that doing different things than normal is akin to adding a tasty spice to a bland dish. Like normally when I cook (go to Subway Sandwichers Shop) I ask for hot sauce on my chicken sandwich. But yesterday I asked for EXTRA hot sauce.

Taking a trip is supposed to be like adding extra hot sauce to the sandwich that is life, because you will see things on this trip that you won't normally see in Newmarket....like beautiful women!!!! Zing, take that Kyle.

I'm afraid to say that San Francisco failed me. They should call it Bland Blandcisco, because then it fits into my metaphor about spices nicely.


Hey look at me, I'm a bridge! I've never seen a bridge before! Oh wait, nice try bridge, we all know you're just a rip-off of the bridge at Fairy Lake in Newmarket that goes over that part of the lake that is narrow enough to traverse by bridge. Or that other bridge that overlooks the waterfall by Fairy Lake, or that wooden boardwalk at Fairy Lake that goes over water so is technically a bridge.

Not to mention the fact that there is nothing at the other side of that bridge, you just have to turn around and go back.....and I really had to go to the bathroom and you aren't allowed to pee off the side. Well at Fairy Lake you are! And the bridge leads to that playground with a spider web climby thing.



Oh my god a paved street? Take that Newmarket! Oh wait, Lombard Street? More like wanna-be Crossland Gate Boulevard. This street leads from the top of that hill to the bottom of that hill whereas Crossland Gate leads from Emma's old house, all the way to my old house, all the way to Big Graham's old house, past Phil's old house, right by Ryan's current house, passes by Reid's old house and then it just keeps on going. Does it ever end? I don't want to know.

Not to mention how impractical this curvy flower street is, pfft look how long it takes to drive down it. Crossland Gates curves are like a good wine, dependable, not too harsh, and a third attribute that would not seem to make for a good wine quality which makes it a hilarious joke, let's go with "paved with asphalt", hahahaha.

San Francisco wasn't a total bust though, I did get to do something Ryan never got to do in his life ever, something you can't do in Newmarket, or Toronto, or even Stingray Bay featuring Sharks at the Toronto Zoo. I touched a SHARK (pause for the photographic proof)

Read it and weep boy.

Dear Imaginary Readers:

Look, Brent and I have provided you with endless hours of entertainment over the past year and have asked for nothing in return...well that's gonna change, due to the change in the economic climate and the fact that I don't have any real friends I'm not blogging anymore until somebody takes me to the zoo...usually I avoid the outdoors due to fear of bee`s and sharp sticks but I`ll make an exception for this.

we'll have oh so much fun...we can see the monkeys and giraffe's and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They don't live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies...

I`ll bring a blanket and we can sit in the shade and we can whisper secrets in each others ears...I have lots of secrets...mostly fantasies revolving around Micheal Landons character in the show `little house on the prairie`` I bet he knew the name of those dog-like animals that live on the prairies

Do you ever wonder if the animals at the zoo are actually just actors dressed up in animal costumes? yeah me neither. Though if I had a pet giraffe i would make him a giraffe costume and then I would take him out and say "hey everyone, look at my giraffe" and they would say "that's not a real giraffe, i can see the zipper" and then they would be shocked when they found out it was a real giraffe all along...If I did this often enough than eventually people wouldn't question me about it and would just assume it's a real giraffe. Then I could put my friends in the giraffe suit and sneak them into the movies for free (giraffe's don't have to pay to see movies)

so just lemme know in the comments section the date and time you want to pick me up...

Help Us Mookie

Killer Whales are misnamed.

It's not really fair if you think about it.

When you hear the name "Killer Whale" it makes you think of a remorseless killing machine whale.

The type of giant whale that enjoys cracking sea turtles shells open. Or laughs while dragging bottlenose dolphins deep underwater until they drown. Or a pod of whales playing DDR right after tipping over ice floes to force baby seals into their mouths.

Of course that's not even close to reality.

Orcas are actually dolphins not whales. Please refer to them as Giant Killer Dolphins from now on. Also, they would be awful at DDR, they are far too large to work the pad thing. Everything else was true.

Lesser Known Curses

Oh sure, everyone loves talking about those famous curses.

Like the Kennedy Curse, or like that Egyptian one about that vampire guy, or that popular sporting magazine one. You know, that one where people and/or horses appear on the glossy front page of the magazine....and then directly following appearing on the magazine frontside they perform poorly in their sporting events and/or break their hooves and die. (RIP Barbaro)

Or that famous sporting video game curse wherein the player will appear on the front of the instruction manual and then subsequently will distract me from reading said manual which causes me to lose many games online.

Seriously, as soon as someone tells me the button that shows me how to "not punt on every play" it's a whole new ballgame. You better watch out Slick Richard Dollar Sign Dollar Sign Sixty Nine Ampersand Dollar Sign.

Or the curse of getting easily sidetracked, but today's focus is on Curses that are equally as bone-threatening as those mentioned, but much less publicized.

Firstly, the curse of Kyle and talking to girls!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It is good to laugh.

Second the more bone-thrilling magazine front curse: THE CURSE OF THE DINOSAUR TIMES

How can losing a sporting event compare to BEING DEAD. After poring through the archives of all of the covers of The Dinosaur Times and cross-referencing them with the current whereabouts of the subjects I came to the following bone-thrashing conclusion: every living thing that ever appeared on the cover of the Dinosaur Times is now tragically dead!

That's right even noted paleontologist Baron Georges Léopold Chrétien Frédéric Dagobert Cuvier (1769-1832) who died in bed at age 62 of cholera. Is nothing sacred to you Dinosaur Times Curse?

Next months cover subject may break the curse though, "New Species of Hadrosaurid Found In Alberta". That sounds hopeful.

And lastly is the Curse of the Tiny Subway Seats.

TTC, what the hell. We can put a man on the moon but we can't make subway seats large enough that comfortably seat a creepy sweaty guy and a cringing, sucked together as tiny horizontally as he can guy?

I used to love casual Friday but now I know all it means is that my short sleeve baremanarms are going to get abused by the dude next to me. The dude who also won't stop licking his lips.

Hey, Watermelon Lipsmackers if I slide myself on over that isn't an invitation for you to spill over the seat line and continue to touch me and take up even more space. It means stop touching me guy.

And do you kids really have to listen to the music in your headphones so loudly?

Or wear your hair so long? That's ridiculous, it's getting in your eyes, you probably can't even see half the time. You're probably wearing it that long to hide those drug eyes you've got going on. I know you didn't think I noticed, but notice I did. You've got the pot squints, the old H-town shuffle going on, and I swear to God if a cop steps onto this subway I am turning you in Buster and there isn't going to be any earbuds in Juvy, you'll be lucky to get Air Buds 1-4 (Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch). Or that Crime Dog pilot that Fred McGriff did that Scott was telling me about, that sounded awful. Wait, I'm getting sidetracked again, what was I talking about?

Curses.

When's It Gonna Stop Chicago?

The racism towards Native Americans that is...

Now don't get me wrong, I think Chicago's a great city, but enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of sports teams using logo's that are offensive to native americans. Now obviously there are several cities using sports teams with logo's and names depicting native americans, you have the Indians (Cleveland) and the Redskins (Washington). But none of these cities come even close to Chicago.

Let's start with the hockey team, the BlackHawks...

awful isn't it? A decapitated native american head...Back in the day if a native americans head was displayed in a store front it meant it was a place where you could receive money for the scalps of native americans that you had killed. A painful reminder of a horrible time in history, fortunately it's hockey, so I'm not sure anyone has really noticed.

Now let's move onto baseball and more specifically the Chicago White Sox...let's take a look at their logo shall we?

hmm...nothing wrong there right? Just the word SOX written diagonally. Look a bit closer...Do you see it?... Disgusting isn't it? For those of you who haven't noticed let me add a few things so you can see it a bit more clearly.

Do you see it now??? That's right! A one armed skunk wearing a sideways hat setting fire to a tepee! A graphic and chilling reminder that anti-native american sentiments remain strong to this day. Did you know that the number of skunk related tepee fires have stayed the same since this logo came into use? This despite the number of tepee fires decreasing by almost 48% over the same time period. How many tepees must go down in flames before White Sox management smartens up and changes their logo to something more appropriate?

Finally we have the Chicago Bulls of the NBA, one of the most storied franchises in all of basketball, and unfortunately one of the most racist as well. Once again let's take a look at their logo...

"But Ryan, this is just a logo of an angry looking bull, surely there's nothing wrong with it" Oh yeah? Try looking at it from a different angle...specifically upside down!

A Robot on an oddly shaped park bench burning a copy of the Indian Appropriation Act of 1871 with its laser vision!!!!

racism towards native americans, when's it gonna stop Chicago???

RYANANDBRENT UPDATE: RYANANDBRENT NOW INTERNETS MOST PROMINENT RYANANDBRENT

Google it and weep Evansville, Illinois Ryan and Brent, Hellafied Funk Crew Ryan and Brent, Panic at the Disco! Ryan and Brent, and our most hated Ryan and Brent rivals myspace.com/ryanandbrent. You two look ridiculous.

Back on December 5th I complained that we here at Ryanandbrent (Me and Ryan) were only the third most prominent Ryan and Brent on the Internet....which was needless to say an outrage.

How did we make this improbable rise to glory? Through making lots of posts featuring the words Ryanandbrent? Was it because of those stickers I made that say "Google Ryan and Brent and then click on Ryanandbrent.blogspot.com and then read and comment on said blog please, your pals, Ryanandbrent" (I used a small font) that I stuck all over the Royal York Subway Station? Is it because we're just that awesome?

Yes, yes, and yes.

But obviously I would be remiss not to mention the biggest factor, lying to Germans about Gemcraft. Don't worry pals there's plenty more lies to come. I've recently figured out that you can drop your purple stuff onto monster stuff like a bomb, very shortly I will know enough about Gemcraft to actually write a Complete Gemcraft Level 34 Walkthrough.

So what's next for Ryanandbrent? The Senate? Ryan writing something? Stopping the reliance on the crutch that three things is the optimal number of things to list when writing?

Yes, probably not, and never.

Until then....

Guten Tag, ich gebe zu ich war am Anfang entzückt.

It's TRUE

Re: Incredible True Tales, Totally True This Time
From: Aunt Trudy (2cool2Bauntie@hotmail.com)
To:BMFGMAIL-EVERYONE-CA-NIECESANDNEPHEWS-MAILING-LIST


TRUE STORY ALERT

Dear assorted nieces and nephews, I know the following to be a true story. I got the gist of it from Readers Digest and the rest from the INTERNEST, you should let its inspirational plot be an inspiration and completely applicable to your day to day lives, and more importantly absolute proof of our faith. As a further show of dedication you should forward this message to everyone in your e-mail list book or else face spooky bad luck. SPOOOKKYYYY.

In May of 2007, Steve Trachsel went for a hike in New Mexico's famous Carlsbad Caverns, he had such a wondrous hike marveling in God's creation that he lost track of time and his location. Before he knew it he was lost deep in the dark caves. The only thing Steve had to guide him was the light of faith shining from deep in his heart, and also a kerosene lantern.

Steve didn't panic as he knew that God had a plan for him, like he does for all of us, and that he would make it through alright. As he was calmly strolling in his search for the exit Trachsel froze on the spot.

*RATTLESNAKE TAILS NOISE X2*

He struggled to hold his lantern steady as it swung from side to side the lantern sprayed the light all over the place. It's oscillating beams did not let Steve get a good look at exactly where the sound he heard was coming from. What on Earth could that noise be?

*MORE RATTLESNAKE TAIL NOISE AND POSSIBLY SOME HISSING*

Trachsel was finally able to steady himself and point the lantern at the source of the mysterious noise. IT WAS A RATTLESNAKE!!!! The rattlesnake was leering at him from inside a strangely shaped white rock. As Traschel slowly backed away from the snake he realized that the snake wasn't in a skull shaped white rock at all. The RATTLESNAKE WAS IN A HUMAN SKULL.....AND THE HUMAN SKULL WAS CONNECTED VIA SPINAL COLUMN TO A HUMAN SKELETON SEATED ON THE CAVE FLOOR.

Steve was overtaken by fear, he was scared to turn and run worried he would become hopelessly lost if he did so. As Traschel began to feel that all his faith was gone he noticed that the skeleton was cradling something in its arms. IT WAS A HOLY BIBLE: KING JAMES EDITION.

Trachsel edged forward, the snake rattled again but appeared to calm as Steve reached down and grasped the Bible in his hands. Just as Steve lifted the Bible up high the snake lunged forward to stick its teeth into Steve. Not only would this bite really really sting, the rattlesnake would then inject hemotoxic venom through its hollow teeth that causes internal organs to be eaten away from the inside out. REMEMBER God has made all of his creations in his own image.....air-go God is terrifying.

Now it may have been Steve's Supraspinatus muscle, or it may have been divine intervention, but regardless Steve lifted the Bible faster than anyone has ever "lifted a Bible in front of a rattlesnake in the Carlsbad Caverns" the Holy Tome rose right into the path of the Snakes hemotoxins. The Snakes teeth penetrated right through the front cover of the Bible and came to rest on the 14 page right on Genesis 3:15. Steve was spared from the serpents grasp thanks to staying calm, having faith, and lifting the Bible very quickly so the snake didn't bite him.

Huh? How about that symbolism? Of course we all that that Bible verse the snakes teeth came to rest on was about how God cursed the Serpent for doing some pretty lame stuff. That's pretty deep and miraculous isn't it? Well, I certainly am satisfied about the existence of God and the safety of my soul for all eternity after hearing that TRUE TRUTH.

Oh, and much like the prior lost hiker Steve quickly succumbed to dehydration deep in the tunnels.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING
HOLD ON TO THAT BELIEVING FEELING

Aunt Trudy

Local Blog Writer Has Headline Submissions Rejected by Fake News Comedy Site For "Not Being Funny", Shows List to Imaginary Readers Instead

I hope you don't mind competition "Unnamed Stupid Website" because these zingers will certainly steal your entire readership and bankrupt your company and then you'll have to write applications to write for me. And then I'll be the bigger man and hire all of you and be nice.....for about a week just to get to know your darkest fears to use them against you, and also to get to know your significant others and sleep with them on your respective Anniversaries. Here's step one of that plan, unveil awesome headlines to world.

Leopard Changes Spots, Still Huge Jerk

Scientists Claim Global Warming To End Weather, Every Old Person In World Left With Nothing To Talk About

Stereotypical Asian Health Action Figure Company With Poor English Translation Skills Puzzled By Low Third Quarter Sales. Hope "A Doll Fit Lir! N" To Have Strong Hanukkah Season.

The Onion Lame, Brent's Headlines Totally Funny and Concise Claims Entire Worlds Population.

Guy Everyone Hates Ironically Murdered In Hate Crime

President of Kamchatka Shocked To Learn "Risk" Game Board Not Accurate World Map, Calls Purple Horses and Cannons Back From Irkutsk's Border

Local Man With Chris Hansen Fetish Disappointed To Find That 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo He Met Online Is Actually 14 Year Old Boy In Speedo

Onions Make People Cry Due to Sulfuric Acid, Or Mean Rejection Letters, Not Due To Laughter Like Brent Makes Us

Nigerian Prince Confused As Electronic Philanthropic Efforts Are Miserable Failure

Coyote Preys On Roadrunner in Front of California Primary School, Destroys Childhood Innocence.

Writing Every Word To Start With A Capital Letter Makes My Head Hurt, Maybe I Actually Wasn't Cut Out For This And Getting Shut Down Was A Blessing In Disguise

Local Blog Writer Quickly Rationalizes Rejection In An Attempt To Keep Soul From Getting Trampled At Losing Life Long Dream

Ask Brent! A Ryanandbrent German Gemcraft Related Mailbag

Threatening to kill my fish didn't do it. Appealing to your Kyle(and friends of Kyle) murdering sensibilities didn't do it either. But by god I'll find a way to get all of you Gemcraft-loving Germans to give back to this blog that has given you so much. I thought you guys loved killing living beings, but I guess this is the first time stereotypes have ever proven to be false.

GERMAN STEREOTYPE 2: They love recognition. It's a fact. To take advantage of this proven fact, and ironically to continue my pathetic pandering for comments (maybe I'm part German) I've decided to respond to every comment we get from Germany with a post in mailbag format.

That's right Fritz, after you go to google.de, search for Gemcraft tips and find this award nominated blogs (We're up for best new blog in the 2009 Bloggies!) all you need to do is comment and I will answer your burning questions.

Ever wanted to know why I was unjustly banned from the Ray Twinney Complex? Or if I think a tornado could really pluck all the feathers off of a chicken? Well then just ask German word for friend, and get all the attention and warmth your murderous sprees and detached father couldn't provide.

As fate would have it our good German friend Martin Vee left me the following mailbag question on January 7th on the post "So...I'm Pretty Good at Gemcraft."

Dear Brent, (added by editor)

Martin Vee said...

... but I'm not impressed. You're using Internet Explorer. :)

Seriously, you're good! I'm almost done with the game, but I haven't reached level 40... then again, I don't have as much glowing frames as you do.

Hmm... Should try to get 'em all.

January 7, 2009 8:15 AM

Your fan, Martin Vee (added by editor)


Great question Martin! One we get all the time. Ryan and I first met in 1990 when I moved two doors down from his house, and we were forced to become friends because we were the same age. Thanks for writing, hope everything is going well in Frankfurt.

Your idol, Brent.

Tweens Freak Out Over American Idol Results | Viral | SPIKE.com

I'll be honest with you...I made fun of these girls at first. But then I started thinking...this is exactly my reaction if the Blue Jays were in the World Series, Game 7, Bottom of the 9th, up by 1, and B.J. Ryan were to give up a game winning home run.

Just replace these 12 year old girls wearing David Archuletta shirts, with grown men, decked out in Blue Jays apparel (and possibly sporting playoff beards) and you pretty much have the idea...The only difference being that after we were done crying and my mom had tried to console us, we would most likely have gone on a rampage involving heavy drinking, breaking things, and a poorly thought out plot to murder B.J. Ryan, which likely would end up with us in Jail.

After closer inspection of this video, I'm not sure all of these girls share the genuine devastation felt by the girl in the middle. I'm talking about you girl on the far right with the generic "american idol" shirt, and overweight girl in the back who was probably only invited because her mom is friends with the other girls moms.

Look...girl on the right pretends to be shocked at first, but soon after is actually smiling, I think we have a closet David Cook fan on our hands (don't worry girl on the right, I am too, he's so dark and dreamy) And as for overweight girl...her loud screams are clearly only a failed attempt at trying to fit in with these girls. perhaps a more effective method would be to stop eating so much...maybe go the gym every now and then.

Problem Solving

Dammit Brent! i wanted the first post of 2009...You can only imagine my disappointment after logging on last night to write my "first blog of 2009" entry, only to find your post about kyle standing closer to fires. And while I do agree with your stance, I have to pretend to be nice to kyle for the next 8 days because he invited me to the raps game next Sunday.

Fortunately A new problem arose yesterday that was blog worthy...

Ever since we moved into our little downtown apartment, we've had a host of minor problems...radiators not working, radiators working too well, no hot water, clogged drains, etc... and we always just assumed it was because it was an old building...until yesterday.

yesterday my lovely roomate was diagnosed with shingles, (a disease that as far as I knew, was only for old people) how could this happen? It was then i realized the only explanation for all these problems was that we had a ghost. A radiator breaking, hot water hogging, shingles giving ghost.

At the same time I was becoming increasingly concerned with global warming...which is when I thought to myself "what if there was a way to solve both these problems?" And at that very moment the idea struck me...Ghost Power!!!

unlike many forms of energy currently in use, ghost power is a 100% clean source of energy. In addition to this it is completely renewable and powerful. did you know that one medium sized ghost can provide enough energy to power a small city for 17 days?

As an added bonus, houses that were previously unsellable due to haunting concerns now skyrocket in value, ending the real estate crisis in the states, and thus ending the depression.

And there you have it...global warming, the depression, and my apartment concerns all solved with one solution.

Several Reasons Why Kyle Should Stand Nearer to Fires

1) Ooh that's nice and toasty isn't it? Especially on such a blustery winter's eve, am I right Kyle?

2) Yeah, I actually got it started right before you got here that's why it's so nice. Everyone knows the best part of a fire is the second fifth, after the newspaper is burnt but before perfect Kyle-singeing.....I mean marshmallow roasting time.

3) How did I learn to start such great fires? Oh, I don't know, a little something called Survivorman. Did you know that all you need to start a blaze is some hard work, a little know how, several matches, newspaper, wood, gasoline, a fire pit, and a barbeque lighter after neither matches nor a regular lighter work?

4) Oh no! I dropped my very special locket that my Grandmother from Croatslavia gave to me on....ummm....my deathbed. Kyle, won't you be a dear and turn your back to me, bend over and pick it up? It fell right past that switch that activates the trap-slide into the fire.

5) What? Oh, silly me! You're right that is a Tamagotchi not the locket that Gramma-got-me!!!! Do you get it? Haha! Also that response was completely spontaneous and not a planned out joke in case you figured out my planned out ruse of dropping a Japanese electronic pet within pushing distance of the fire.

6) Hmm, this fake-locket Tamagotchi has a really long strap attached to it...that's weird. Look at how it swings back and forth in time with my voice. Follow it with your eyes Kyle, trace its path back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And each time it goes your eyes get heavier and heavier. Heavier and back and forth and heavier and back and forth. When I stop talking you will love walking into fire and then not moving. Not walking into fire and not moving will cause you severe stabbing pain. And there are several nostalgic moments from your childhood in the fire as well, and ummm...you have very tactile memories or something that are good for touching...dammit I'm losing it....pull it together Brent.....what did the rest of that "Impress Your Friends with Hypnosis and Then Murder Them While They're Blinded With Being Impressed" pamphlet say? Great he's waking up. What Kyle? Oh yes, dramatic yawn, I am sleepy now as well. Let's get ready for bed I've brought copious amounts of covers this time.

7) Well, I'm ready to get into my jams what about you Kyle? Get those paint-encrusted pants off and let me slide on these PJs I got you. They are a little wet though, I accidentally drug them through nail polish remover multiple times. Come on Kyle, off with those pants.

8) Kyle, wait, come back....I'm not trying to seduce you, I swear! I'm trying to set you on fire for that time we slept together in Guelph and you were a covers-hog! As the Torah says an eye for an eye

FIN

(EDITOR'S NOTE: After reading this over I saw that my pushing Kyle into a fire and laughing as he burned could be interpreted as being an approving nod to the furnaces in Concentration Camps since Kyle is Jewish and I am a renowned member of the National Socialist German Workers Party. This is not the case. This pre-meditated murder is directed as hate speech against Kyle and Kyle alone, he is so scrawny he wouldn't even burn that nicely. This is also very clearly fiction as if I really wanted to burn Kyle I wouldn't need to fool him. I would just overpower him with my relative manstrength. In addition, only very recently did I discover that the National Socialist German Workers Party had an anti-semitic platform, I only joined because I hate homosexuals, Jesse Owens, and the Treaty of Versailles. Until next time "Hail Victory.")