NEW WRITER COMPETITION (MUST BE NAMED RYAN OR BE WILLING TO CHANGE NAME TO RYAN)

It's been a month, we're all over Ryan being dead by now.

What I'm not over however, is potentially losing this blog, which is the second most important thing in the world to me. (I love you too Katamari).

I came up with an ingenious plan to save the blog. I just have to find another bloke named Ryan, and bingo-bango blog is saved yeah.

Our first entrant in the Ryan replacement contest is Ryan Flanagan, who has agreed to guest write this entry.

"GUEST WRITER" by Ryan Flanagan

Thanks Brent for the wondrous opportunity. Ryanandbrent is still one of the top Gemcraft related search topics on Google, so a chance to take over for Ryan "boring and dead" Dungavell is one I don't take lightly.

Being a ghostwriter is serious and so I did a lot of research on Ghostwriter to prepare. I call it "Ryan's Ghostwriter Review."

The show is called Ghostwriter, and like he's not a scary ghost or anything, no he was just hanging out in a book in Jamal's basement waiting for someone to open the book and stuff.

My favorite episode was the one when they had the community garden, and some people got sick and that, and some rabbits died, what happened, poison in the ground it looks like. I can't remember if it was natural, or someone put it there or something but it was a mystery.

Tina and Alex kiss for the first time, but he's not sure if she likes him still, Gabby is sick, not because of jealousy, she doesn't like Alex it's still mostly the poison.

Even though he's dead Ghostwriter he can still do all sorts of stuff and like helps the children solve the poison mystery, I think he might write a book or paint them a picture to help them solve it or something and then in the end their tomato harvest is great.

So the moral of the story is, you know, even if you're dead like other Ryan, you can still solve mysteries and win awards because it won some awards and that. Might've been an Oscar.

I wasn't really paying complete attention, but like I said, it won some awards so it must have been pretty good...ummm. 9 out of 10.

Ryan Memorial Post

I have some bad news.

The worst news.

Ryan is no longer with us.

I guess it could be worse. I mean, I could be dead. I prefer things this way.

I went to his house today, walked around back, and knocked on his bedroom window.

There was no response.

I looked into the window.

The room was empty! Of him....his stuff was still all in there and stuff.

All we have left of him is a note he left behind. Is it a suicide note? Did he suddenly get a terminal illness and draft a letter right before dying? I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS PEOPLE. The only answer I do have is that he's dead and that he's never coming back. EVER.

I'm sure Ryan's reading this post wherever he is. His grave, most likely. Do they have computers in graves? Can skeletons read? Why are owls viewed as wise? They don't look that smart to me.

I'll miss you buddy, and all the good times we had. Remember when I hit you in the face with a pie? That was pretty funny.

It's only fitting that Ryan have the last words on his own memorial. Like how James Earl Jones narrated the Mufasa TV funeral special after he killed himself: Hara-kiri Matata.

Without further ado, Ryan's farewell letter.

Hey Brent,

I'm going to be in Thailand for the next 7 weeks going on that vacation I told you about several times. Remember? We even went to the Royal Thai Consulate together to get my visa.

Just wanted to remind you to keep me abreast of any Blue Jays news, because again, as you know, I am in Thailand.

Don't forget to feed my sugar glider Mittsy!

Your pal, who is leaving for vacation, and is not dead,

Ryan


RIP Dear Friend. You will not be forgotten.....right away.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters, FOR REALZ THIS TIME

You caught me Ryan.

I KNEW that I could beat your score, but I just didn't have the time. Just like I didn't have the time to proofread pinkags' HORRIBLE photoshop before posting it.

I'm a very busy and important man. Crab cakes to eat, crab boats to drive, crab traps to fix. You know the drill.

So I took a week off work completely dead-set on DESTROYING your record by exactly 1,000 feet. It only took 45 seconds. I spent the remainder of my vacation basking in glory.

That got boring pretty fast, so then I watched Gamesmaster, a British video game TV show from 1995. I love it when they talk about how great the graphics are when they are in fact not that great.

WATCH HOW BAD THEY ARE AT MARIO 64! The temper tantrum the guy throws after immediately falling off the slide, then accusing the show of fixing the competition is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEFr6ACZ8sI

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE IS COMPLETE UNADULTERATED PROOF THAT I AM BETTER THAN RYAN

I 100% solemnly swear that pinkag did not touch up this image one iota. Or so help me, may she get hit by a wayward crab boat whose first mate is on vacation.


WOW is right! 3,808 feet!!! Look at those celebratory fireworks I got on the side as well!
All while using Vista and having my Gmail in the other tab. I believe that covers it.

IN SUMMATION:

I AM THE BEST

Lies!

Dear Imaginary Readers,

I can't sit idly by and let you be sucked into Brent's web of lies, it's time the truth about his latest post be revealed. I know this will devastate many of you, like finding out that your favourite athlete was on steroids...but the truth must come out.

Brents flight of the hamster record was not attained on skill alone...it was aided....by photoshop!

I know what you're thinking..."Ryan these are some pretty serious accusations, what proof to do you have?"

well my friends, lets take a closer look at the picture shall we???

(I would usually add in the picture here but seriously it's one post down, just slightly scroll down...there ya go)

evidence #1: Everyone knows that Brent loves window's Vista....and yet here he is using Windows 7? A little odd isn't it?

evidence #2 Why is windows live hotmail open in another tab? Brent doesn't use hotmail...

evidence #3 Everything is exactly the same as in my picture except the numbers, and isn't his girlfriend majoring in photoshop at school?

evidence #4 I'm way more talented at flight of the hamsters than Brent...just the fact that his score was higher should be evidence of cheating.

So what now???

well my friends, I'm afraid that Brent is looking at some serious jail time...you can't lie on the internet.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters

Photographic proof.

I challenge Ryan to beat this score so that I can then beat him again. I AM THE GREATEST

The Anti Jared: Part 2

I know, I know...I haven't been on here in awhile, but we don't all have the luxury of working a 9-5 job in downtown Toronto, some of us are busy...just yesterday I played flight of the hamsters for like 3 hours trying to break my record (mission accomplished) and then I had to go to baseball

life is crazy right now...

So what brings me back you ask? Well imaginary readers the truth is after reading Brents touching and informative piece "The Ant Jared" I thought I should share something with you...

I too have battled with weight problems.

While Brent brought up some interesting ideas on weight loss, I'd like to share with you some scientifically proven and healthier ways to help you imaginary readers achieve your goals...

1) Capsaicin: What is that you ask? it's the active ingredient found in hot peppers that makes food spicy. It's also been shown to increase metabolism in humans in addition to a myriad of other benefits. My recommendation, replace bottled water with bottles of hot sauce.

2) Smoking: It's been proven by science that smoking helps curb your appetite, less appetite means less food in your stomach, and ultimately less calories. Not a fan of smoking? that's fine, appetite loss is a side effect of all tobacco products! So head on down to your local convenience store, pick up some chewing tobacco, and let science take over. And if you're really serious about weight loss go ahead and swallow a little...I personally guarantee you will not be eating for a while. which leads nicely into my final tip...

3) Cancer: You know, Cancer gets a bad rap a lot of the time, I mean sure it's potentially fatal, but people often overlook the benefits, mainly weight loss. While the cancer cells slowly destroy your body from the inside out, you'll be laughing on your way to buy a whole new wardrobe!

Well my friends, I hope this helps, and in the meantime, I'll leave you with this...



seriously, I am awesome at this game....

They Would Have Named Some Sort of FunRun After Me

There was swelling and pain. I thought there might also be a lump.

In my testicles.

It would have been a testicular lump. Obviously I didn't jump to conclusions before I got it checked out, but OF COURSE I jumped to conclusions.

I was positive it was cancer, the scariest kind of cancer. Double cancer. It has spread to my lymph nodes already, what's that pain in my side? OH NO CANCER ALL OVER!

It turns out it wasn't cancer. So, that's good. Apparently your testicles are full of natural creases, grooves, lumps, and tubes. Which is really confusing, thanks a lot God.

Also, other lumps and swelling develop all the time from non-cancer related issues. I slightly tore a muscle in the area right behind the testicular zone which caused pain and concentrated swelling. Hooray, I guess.

The important point isn't my mini-scare, or to make light of cancer...which is honestly going to get me one day, as it did to most of my family tree.

The point is that this made me realize what a fucking narcissist I am, and how I can take LITERALLY any situation, no matter how dire, and turn it into a fantasy where I'm the hero.

See after I got examined, and the Doctor told me that I DID have cancer I was going to play it cool. "No big deal, we all have our struggles in life. Am I scared of death? Of course not, I am a brave, brave, brave, brave, strong, brave guy." I also wouldn't really tell anyone about it. "No need to worry my family or friends. They aren't as strong nor as brave as I am. Plus, I need the element of surprise to make the next part of the fantasy work."

Now there's two ways it could go. I played out both ways multiple times in my brains.

OPTION 1: I BEAT CANCER.

I don't make a big deal out of it, but now I do draw attention to it....subtly, maybe with a Facebook post thing. "Finally in remission." "Down one testicle, but it's worth it."
What those are really saying is. "I KICKED CANCER'S ASS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IT AND I AM AN INSPIRATION TO EVERYONE!!!!!"

OPTION 2: CANCER BEATS ME

I guess I didn't fight hard enough in this fantasy....although I've never really understood how one mentally "fights" cancer anyway.

On my death bed I'm still brave. "Don't....cry.....I've peacefully and quickly.....accepted my fate. I know....it is tragic that someone so brave and strong and dashing and young has had to pass on......it's been a blast."

Aren't your tear ducts welling with emotion at my brave stance in the face of eternal emptiness?

So again, I don't have cancer. Cancer is awful, and I've learned my lesson about being glib and fanciful when it comes to serious matters.

But I did sure class-ily kick its ass most of the time.

NEXT TIME: HOW I WOULD'VE NOT CRASHED ON THE RAINY ROAD THAT MORGAN FREEMAN CRASHED ON DESPITE MY HISTORY OF BEING IN MANY CAR CRASHES

The Anti-Jared

57% of North Americans are now considered "over-weight", obesity is an epidemic that affects millions (Kyle) that is just getting more common by the second.

A lot of the imaginary readers of the site could probably tell based on my writing tone (Dude totally writes like a fat guy)....but I've been battling weight issues for a while now, at my peak I was a shocking 177 pounds of gelatinous goo.

Think about that for a second. That's 34,170 pennies. That's 4.4 curling stones. That's 0.0000000607 CN Towers.

BUT NO LONGER. As of this morning I weighed in at 150.0 pounds. I haven't been this light since I was a baby, I think. Obviously 150 pounds is nice, but it's still large. (0.0000000515 CN Towers!!!)

I still wear the jeans I bought at my peak weight as motivation, and as a clarion call signifying how truly far I have come. They are a bit loose. But the bagginess signifies success. I should get a belt.

My goal is to get down to 77 pounds. Exactly 100 pounds lost. I will not rest until I reach my goals. Well, I will rest a lot actually. I'm tired a lot now and struggle to complete simple tasks. I sit in my office chair a lot. It feels like it's too big now. I should ask for a new, smaller chair. Ugh, Maya is all the way across the room....too weak to speak, only capable of typing short word slow, must fight urge eat.

***LUNCH BREAK ***

Phew, much better. So how did I do it? It's easy!!

Just follow these simple steps.

1) Don't really eat at all. Ever. I'm on an all-"liquid" diet. Speaking of:

2) Hydration is key. It's the key enemy of weight loss. Did you know your body is 75% water? I could weigh 37.5 pounds right now if I could just excise it all from my being. I'm trying though. On my lunch break I ground up some chalk with some sand and had a shake. (I obviously didn't use water as a base, I used tar) Chalk juice I call it. Chalk on the beach. Ol' Dry Mouth. The Tennessee Grift. V8: Like the Engine Not the Gross Tomato Stuff. I like to have it on the rocks, like I literally use pebbles.

That's pretty much it. Shape up Kyle! Or Ship Out! I don't know what that last part means, but it sounds pretty, pretty, pretty, motivating.

I'll write about Chicago when the world is cured of obesity.

This is what we in the biz call a teaser.

I'm in Shipshewana, Indiana. Right now, not in 2009, despite what that sign says.

That's right, THE Shipshewana, Indiana. Home of Northeastern Indiana's largest Country Auction and Antique House, as well as an Arby's.

When I figure out how to get the rest of the pictures from the camera onto the computer, I will regale you all with incredible vacation stories.

Including:

JAM-MAKING!!!

A NEWS CONFERENCE WITH A SUPER SECRET BLACK TARP!!!

JELLY-MAKING!!!

AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MAYBE MORE.

STAY TUNED INTERNETS

HILARIOUS JOKE THRILLS FAMILY

IS NOW, PERHAPS EVEN MORE FUNNY THREE MONTHS LATER

It was Christmas dinner.

My brother was late.

There was a pie there.

Sometimes the incredible Ryanandbrent jokes just write themselves.

Take a moment to think how you would blend these factors together to make the entire room bust with laughter……..TIMES UP KYLE!

“Hey Mark, you should try the Lemon Meringue Pie. I think you’ll find it to be, much like yourself (pause for added emphasis) QUITE TARTY!”

The only problem was that no one laughed.

They must not have heard me I thought.

“QUITE TARTY!!!!!”

Alright, they heard me both times. Maybe they just didn’t understand the greatness I had bestowed upon them.

“You see, Mark was late, or TARDY to dinner. And the pie is quite TARTY. Do you see what I did there? Do you all? You may now commence laughing.”

So it turns out they just didn’t think it was funny.

I hate my family.

Almost as much as I hate Kyle. Kyle Shiaman. The Kyle Shiaman who lives right near me but still won't hang out in my tiny, box of an apartment.

I hate Scott on a level between the two.

It’s not all for naught though, stay tuned for when I'll relate more bunny eggs-amples of my holiday puns. (I figure if I prepare my puns in advance it will go over better.)

My well-crafted Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Passover Pinkas joke promises to bring the house down at Passover '10 (which, correct me if I'm wrong is the Hebrew holiday celebrating that time when Yahweh turned the Dead Sea into salty brine and then pickled Moses.)

Lastly, Go Duke.

Imaginary RyanandBrent Readers Unite!

Dear Imaginary Readers:

I realize I haven't been the best blogger of late, it's not that I don't care about you, or that I've lost my passion for writing, or even that I've been busy. My disappearance from the interweb stems from something much more serious...a broken heart.

Perhaps you remember a blog I wrote back on June 19th titled "dear imaginary readers" in which I asked our readers to take me to the zoo (a very reasonable request given the circumstances). Well none of you stepped up, and it hurt...

Sure, I eventually went a few weeks later anyways, and though it was awesome it just wasn't quite what I had envisioned. I pictured our loyal readers coming to pick me up in a limo, and being pushed around in a wagon while being fed grapes and sunflower seeds. And I certainly envisioned there being penguins...seriously, how am I supposed to have fun at the zoo without penguins???

The hurt got even worse a few months later after sharing my epic checkers win with all of you and not one of you congratulated me in the comments section! Do you even realize how big of a comeback that was? Do you??? And I don't even want to talk about how embarrassed I was after realizing the NCA (national checkers association) was in fact a figment of my imagination and not a real thing.

Things spiraled downhill pretty quickly after that, I spent a lot of time in my room crying. I even started to doubt whether you imaginary readers were real...

But I'm ready to put the past behind us, because we must unite. There is trouble on the horizon for RyanandBrent. The website that you imaginary readers rely on for your monthly entertainment may be in Jeapordy. I can't discuss details right now, all I can say is that you can blame Scott Rusell, not the CBC announcer the other one (I assume there are only two)

may god have mercy on us all....

My Olympic Experience

Just got back from Vancouver.

I wanted to stay for the Gold Medal Hockey Game, but Canada is going to lose to Slovakia. Plus, they said they didn't have any tickets left. I asked if they had any tickets for Canadian heroes who may be in wheelchairs. They said they'd check.

Then they said no.

Sorry for not getting back to any of you sooner, I probably should have checked my e-mail while I was out West. I had like 120 messages waiting for me when I get back.

To kill multiple birds with one stone, yes that was me carrying the Olympic torch. Yes, I was at the Opening Ceremonies. Yes, I was in a wheelchair. No, I am not disabled.

But to be fair, they didn't ask me that. All I said was that I was in a wheelchair, which was true. I was IN a wheelchair.



I thought about getting up and doing a dance after my leg of the Torch relay was done and proclaiming that the spirit of the Olympics and all Canadians had healed me.

But then I thought that that would be disrespectful to all of our special Paralympic athletes and the handicapped community as a whole. Plus, I was strapped in there pretty good, so I just wheeled my way across the finish.

I won an essay writing contest to get to carry the torch. I wrote two essays, one with me in a wheelchair, and one with me as regular me. Guess which one won?

One Spoke At a Time : A Rope of Sand
by: Brent "Wheels" Wilson

My name is Brent Wilson. I am currently in a wheelchair. My whole life, my one sole dream has been to carry the Olympic torch and to get lots of attention. It's technically two sole dreams.

When my doctor told me "Brent, you may never walk again. You may technically be situated in a wheelchair in 2010 during the torch relay. You should quit on life and give up both your two sole dreams."
(Conversation may or may not have occurred in actuality.)

Well...that lit a fire inside me. That fire burns with the passion of a single torch. A single torch attached to a pole. A pole connected to my wheelchair since I would need both hands to wheel the chair. Wait, would I? Is pushing a wheelchair hard? Can I request that my relay leg is slightly downhill?

In summation, I'll show you Dr. Guy. I'll never give up and/or stop pushing for my DREAMS! CANADA! DETERMINATION! TECHNICALLY IN A WHEELCHAIR!

Heroically yours,

Wheels.


Here was my rejected submission.

Dear Olympic people,

I think I'm losing my hair. I could really use a pick-me-up.

Your pal,

Brent

Top Ten Decade Names of The Decade

Oh when you're born in December
It's hard to remember
Well the 90s have ended
So what do you call this decade?

Of course those are the lyrics to the hit song "Children of December" by the defining band of the last ten years: The Slip.

And that's my Top Most Defining One Band of The Decade list taken care of. My thanks to Google and its prompt response to my query "decade lyrics 90s".

Hopefully Ryanandbrent will now get pushed up the Google search rankings for that as well.

Decade lyrics 90s will be the next decades Level 34 Gemcraft (Winner of the Ryanandbrent "Most Ryanandbrentiest Google Search of the Decade.")

The Slip do raise an excellent question in that song though...what will we call that decade?
A list is the only way to truly know the answer.

10) The Two Thousands: C'mon, that could apply to the entire millenium. Way to pick a decade name Kyle.

9) The Naughties: Is there an N? I don't feel like that's right....maybe I can pretend it's social commentary about how we hurt the environment this decade. Oh, how Naughty we have truly been.

8) The 'Aughties: I checked, there's no N.

7) Time is an Arbitrary, Man-made Distinction, the universe has no beginning, no middle, and no end. Placing a name to the unnameable won't fill the empty angst that overflows your being. Just embrace the nothingness, become enveloped by the void. Oooh, the Sugar Bowl is on.

6) The Double Zeros: Straight, to the point, accurate, but boring.

5) The Decade doesn't end until after 2010, do we have to go through this every milestone? There was no Year Zero, thus this ten year period doesn't end until Dec. 31, 2010. All your lists have been premature. Another thing, 25 years after you get married isn't your 25th Anniversary, your wedding day wasn't your first anniversary was it? C'mon Kyle, jeez.

4) The Twenty Oh's: I like saying Oh. It's usually followed by an exclamation point, but I like going without. I use it as my meditation word, like Ohm but even more concise. That cuts my meditation time down by a third. Time saving tip of the Decade!

3) The Two Zero Zeros: I'm struggling to stretch this to ten items.

2) The Seventies: Remember the Nineteen Eighties? Weren't they great? Well since the Mayan calendar ends at 2012, we'll never get another one. Does that seem fair? Of course not, so if we just call this last year 2079 we skip right over 2012 and get to have another Eighties starting today. I've got my legwarmers on already.

1) The Ryanandbrent Decade: Yea, verily it has come to pass, the Holy Trinity of Ryan, Brent and their Holy Spirit, Mortimer the Ghost from the WBIPOD post were born to a virgin blogspot URL this decade.

Many wisemen from Germany brought unto them gifts of crafted Gems worth a bajillion points each, to throw lightning at assorted monsterguys. So it was spoken, and so it has come to pass.