Several Reasons Why Kyle Should Stand Nearer to Fires

1) Ooh that's nice and toasty isn't it? Especially on such a blustery winter's eve, am I right Kyle?

2) Yeah, I actually got it started right before you got here that's why it's so nice. Everyone knows the best part of a fire is the second fifth, after the newspaper is burnt but before perfect Kyle-singeing.....I mean marshmallow roasting time.

3) How did I learn to start such great fires? Oh, I don't know, a little something called Survivorman. Did you know that all you need to start a blaze is some hard work, a little know how, several matches, newspaper, wood, gasoline, a fire pit, and a barbeque lighter after neither matches nor a regular lighter work?

4) Oh no! I dropped my very special locket that my Grandmother from Croatslavia gave to me on....ummm....my deathbed. Kyle, won't you be a dear and turn your back to me, bend over and pick it up? It fell right past that switch that activates the trap-slide into the fire.

5) What? Oh, silly me! You're right that is a Tamagotchi not the locket that Gramma-got-me!!!! Do you get it? Haha! Also that response was completely spontaneous and not a planned out joke in case you figured out my planned out ruse of dropping a Japanese electronic pet within pushing distance of the fire.

6) Hmm, this fake-locket Tamagotchi has a really long strap attached to it...that's weird. Look at how it swings back and forth in time with my voice. Follow it with your eyes Kyle, trace its path back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And each time it goes your eyes get heavier and heavier. Heavier and back and forth and heavier and back and forth. When I stop talking you will love walking into fire and then not moving. Not walking into fire and not moving will cause you severe stabbing pain. And there are several nostalgic moments from your childhood in the fire as well, and ummm...you have very tactile memories or something that are good for touching...dammit I'm losing it....pull it together Brent.....what did the rest of that "Impress Your Friends with Hypnosis and Then Murder Them While They're Blinded With Being Impressed" pamphlet say? Great he's waking up. What Kyle? Oh yes, dramatic yawn, I am sleepy now as well. Let's get ready for bed I've brought copious amounts of covers this time.

7) Well, I'm ready to get into my jams what about you Kyle? Get those paint-encrusted pants off and let me slide on these PJs I got you. They are a little wet though, I accidentally drug them through nail polish remover multiple times. Come on Kyle, off with those pants.

8) Kyle, wait, come back....I'm not trying to seduce you, I swear! I'm trying to set you on fire for that time we slept together in Guelph and you were a covers-hog! As the Torah says an eye for an eye

FIN

(EDITOR'S NOTE: After reading this over I saw that my pushing Kyle into a fire and laughing as he burned could be interpreted as being an approving nod to the furnaces in Concentration Camps since Kyle is Jewish and I am a renowned member of the National Socialist German Workers Party. This is not the case. This pre-meditated murder is directed as hate speech against Kyle and Kyle alone, he is so scrawny he wouldn't even burn that nicely. This is also very clearly fiction as if I really wanted to burn Kyle I wouldn't need to fool him. I would just overpower him with my relative manstrength. In addition, only very recently did I discover that the National Socialist German Workers Party had an anti-semitic platform, I only joined because I hate homosexuals, Jesse Owens, and the Treaty of Versailles. Until next time "Hail Victory.")