Monday, July 18, 2011

Feeling Like You Have Low Energy? CHANGE IT TODAY!

Are you feeling down? As if your body is running low? NEED AN ENERGY BOOST?????

Hi, I'm Dr. Brent Wilson and a common complaint I hear from my test subjects patients, is that they don't feel as if there body has as much energy as it used to.

THIS IS FALSE. Generally these patients are much fatter than they used to be. Their bodies are actually storing much more potential energy within those wobbly confines.

Burning all of the calories in a two hundred and fifty pound person yields enough energy to power a treadmill for 16 hours, long enough for 125 two hundred and fifty pound people to briefly walk on it before tiring. Or you could power an incandescent light bulb for 45 minutes....they are hilariously inefficient.

But what is the most efficient way to unleash this powerful source of energy we all have inside of us?

Not Exercise? NO!

Exercise? NO!

Using smaller, weaker people (Kyle) as kindling to light yourself ablaze? MAYBE!

The answer is simple: WHAT I UNDERSTAND OF SCIENCE! Your body contains 4.22 x 1027 Hydrogen atoms. That's over a trillion times more than the number of stars in the Milky War. (Not hyperbole, if my terrible math is correct, that's seriously true.)

To most efficiently utilize the power of this energy all you have to do is convert those protium isotopes into deuterium and tritium. Which....sounds probably easy enough...lemme check Wikipedia....alright...umm heavy water....ooh CANDU reactor, Greg works there, maybe he knows something about this.

"Hey Greg, yeah.......yeah....oh really? Hahaha that is funny. Cool, oh, you're coming down when? Once sec, let me check my calendar. Let's see, let's see, umm the 18th? Looks good, I'm completely free that day. Oh wait, I'm looking in the wrong month, what a silly goose I am. August...uhhh August, ummm. here we are. August the 18th? Looks good buddy. Yeah, yeah, alright. sounds good. Talk to you later."

Where was I?

Right, so somehow convert the hydrogen in your body which are protium isotopes into deuterium and tritium. Now all you have to do is detonate a fission bomb, which if the movie War Games with Matthew Broderick taught me anything, are relatively easy to find.

So let the fission bomb compress and heat your fusion fuel filled body and KABLAMMO, that 250 pound man has just released the equivalent of 100,000 tons of TNT (again if my terrible math is correct.)

Who is low energy now? HUH? HUH!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Now, I am become Brent, the destroyer of low energy.


Anonymous said...

Dear Brent,

As the RyanandBrent website is the website I go to for all of my technical inquiries, I am alarmed and disappointed by your calculation of a 250lb fat person having only enough stored energy to light an incandescent bulb for 45 mins. Assuming this person is 30% body fat, which is a rather conservative estimate, he has 75 lbs of fat. 1lb of fat is equal to 3500 food calories, this person will have 262,500 nutritional calories of stored energy in fat. 1 nutritional calorie is 4186 joules. Therefore we are looking at slightly more than 1 gigajoule of energy. 1 Watt = 1 joule per second, the typical incandescent bulb operates at 60 watts (60 joules /s) so by converting all of the fat to energy you get 18.3 million seconds at 60 watts, I forget how to convert seconds to minutes although I suspect the final result will be more than 45 minutes...

On a side note, I was reading some of your other blogs and this Kyle friend of yours sounds like some kind of hipster, I would advise you keep your distance, you never can trust those guys...


Some random guy who is regretting staying up later than usual to make this comment...

Brent said...

I'm fairly certain there are 406,666.67 (rounded) seconds in a minute, making my initial calculations TOTALLY accurate.

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