Fun Facts from Thailand!

I had a dream last night that I had to babysit my managers pet walrus and after tucking it into bed I read it some stories from this blog. Upon waking up I was like “oh yeah…I have a blog, maybe I should write something in it once in awhile”

So without further ado, I give you Fun Facts from Thailand! As many of you imaginary readers know, I spent a couple of months in Thailand or as it is sometimes known “the land of Thai” many adventures were had and many lessons learned…

Fun fact #1: Asking a girl if she’s actually a man is maybe not the best thing in the world to do (though highly effective because an actual women will be highly offended). The actual number of ladyboys there is greatly exaggerated, but you can never be too careful especially after 28 hours of flying followed by mistakenly buying a 3 litre “tower of beer”. An effective (and less offensive way) of determining gender is asking them to throw a baseball (tough to find in Thailand) do they throw like a girl? If yes, then you’re probably ok!



Fun fact #2: Monkeys don’t care about you, sure they’re cute and all but they’re only using you for your delicious fruit based drink. Upon arriving in Railai, I did a little exploring and soon encountered a small group of monkeys, though they were shy at first eventually they came close and even began to climb on me. “Wow, I thought to myself, monkeys are awesome” and soon I had envisioned running away from home and joining these group of monkeys forever. Unfortunately the feeling wasn’t mutual, I soon discovered that these monkeys didn’t care about me and my feelings at all, I was just being used for my delicious fruit based drink and the mango peels in my backpack. Once they were gone so were the monkeys…


Fun Fact #3: Accidentally smoking opium while being lost in a jungle in northern Thailand is a really neat life experience, but maybe not the best idea in the world considering there are countless numbers of animals there that have nothing better to do than to kill you for fun with their exotic venoms.

Fun Fact #4: Trying to buy a pirated DVD of the movie ‘despicable me” in Bangkok is extremely difficult. Everyone will assume you are trying to buy porn, persistence is key…


I couldn't find any pictures I took that were related to that fun fact so here's another beach!!

Do pies use iPod?

I had a terrible fever and in my delirium became briefly obsessed with making my own palindrome.....my first delirious attempts were....well, delirious.

"Was a sub radar on rats star no radar? Bus a saw!"

But after literally minutes of plugging away, I did it, as seen in the title!!!!!

I google'd it and no results came up, which of course means it's my trademark forever.

I also own the Russian confirmation that "Da, pies use iPad."

Lastly, I totally own the words that make Paul do my favourite of his dance moves: "Lethargic Guy Who Is Also Covered in Honey So, Like He Moves Really, Really Slowly" at the bar: "No slo-mo, no Molson.")

Zomb-Finale

Ryan wouldn't voluntarily give his blood and all my mosquitoes were dead!

Luckily I had yet still a final, spectacular plan that could not fail. All I had to do was take advantage of Ryan's well-known love of swimming and my well-known hobby of rearing lampreys.

"Ryan, would you like to go to the Ray Twinney Funtime Sports Complex & Swimming Centre with me?"

"Yes, friend. That sounds great."

And so we were off, Ryan took a dip in the pool totally unsuspecting of the dangers awaiting him.

He swam a couple laps, went down the water slide, and looked at, but did not venture to the deepish part of the pool where the diving board is. Then as he was toweling off and getting changed, I chloroformed him and dumped my lampreys onto his prone body!

When he fell unconscious his towel remained cinched at all times, so it is totally not gay that I did this. I would have had to uncinch it, take a glimpse, then try to recinch it to do anythin.........oh wait the lab results from the blended lampreys' is in.

Hmm....according to this Ryan does not have any zombie blood in his body....I guess he was right all along. But wait....that's strange, while his zombiecron levels are zero, his fishiecron levels are off the charts! Ryan is at least 99% fish, which helps explain why he loves swimming and is so good at swimming.

POKEMON RESPONSE: As for my only knowing the first 151 Pokemon my response is simple. There ARE only 151 Pokemon. The rest are lies that were invented by science and I know this because none of them appear in our Holiest of Texts (that Pokedex book CJ has). How would Noah have fit Wailord on the Ark? Or have stopped Pineco from being devoured, because most Pokemon are herbivores and bugs that are pinecones are delicious?

It makes no sense! And like with all religions, we only accept things that make sense.

Setting The Record Straight

I guess I should preface this entry by clearing the air about my death....There's a lot of misinformation flying around this site, and I'm here to set it all straight.

1) I went to Thailand: This is true, I know I should have let you imaginary readers know beforehand but I just didn't know how to say goodbye...

2) I am now a zombie: partly true...while I did contract Solanum while exploring caves near the burmese border (pictured above) upon arrival at home I sacrificed my sugar glider to Chrolrotagar and my zombiecron levels are practically normal. This is also explains why I'm so bad at killing zombies in COD, it's not that I'm bad at the game...it's that part of me still relates to those zombies and I just don't feel right killing them.

3) Brent is Ernie and I am Bert: False...I can only assume this was a typo by Brent

4) I am poor at Gemcraft, Street Fighter, and Pokemon: False...In fact it's quite the opposite. I am a street fighter/gemcraft/pokemon master (not to mention a hamster flying master). I didn't want to bring this up, but did you know Brent isn't even familiar with the newer generation pokemon???

I'm sorry...that was a low blow.

Now I'm Confused

So, Ryan might not be dead.

Although I imagine our imaginary blog readers wouldn't be surprised if they found out that Ryan's been dead for two years!!!! Ba-zing-a! (This is a reference to his infrequent blog posts, not to his actual death, which is slightly less funny.)

But last week's blog post from his log-in showed that either Ryan is alive, or he gave my old vacation buddy Dave Jett his blog log password.

OR Dave Jett somehow guessed the answer to Ryan's secret password retrieval question.

Q: "Why do the taste of pennies remind you of losing a tooth?"
A: "Because my teeth are made of pennies."

Teeth references are great. Teeth, tooth, teeth. I think the best part about having children is yanking baby teeth out of their skulls. At least, that's what my Mom seemed to take most joy in.

Another reason I think Ryan might be secretly alive.....I saw him a few weeks back and we talked about his "trip" to "Thailand". And then we talked on the phone about the Raptors and the Blue Jays and Vernon Wells, and CJ's homework, and fake strawberry flavor, and how he's totally Bert and I am totally Ernie.

But the questions mount. If Ryan really went on a trip, why didn't he tell me beforehand or at least leave a note?

Did Ryan's sugar glider Mittsy really die of "starvation" or did Ryan sacrifice it to Chrolrotagar to regain life and spend all of eternity toiling as a zombie?

When I asked if I could have some of Ryan's blood, he asked "Why?" I think the fellow doth protest too much (Shakespeare reference, boo-yah!) Don't be soooo defensive, sounds like someone doesn't want me to test their blood for zombiecron levels.

THEN when I trained some mosquitoes to draw Ryan's blood while I distracted him with video games, Ryan murdered the mosquitoes with his hand! How many animals have to die so you can live on zomb-Ryan?

ALSO, Ryan was really bad at killing zombies in the zombie killing video game. This isn't really evidence of anything though, Ryan is also bad at crafting gems, fighting streets, and catchin' 'em all.

Dear Ryanandbrent.com

I’m sending you this article in hopes that I may too be considered for the opening left by Ryan. Though my name is actually Dave, my middle name is Ryan and I’m hoping that, combined with my superior writing skills just might get me consideration…

Submitted for the approval, of the ryanandbrent society, I call this story (throws sand into fire) “The tale of the quarterbacks sister”

Now unlike the real Ryan who always amazed me with his ability to come up with new and unique story idea’s I’m taking this baby straight from today’s news…Here

Now I know that we’re all tired of Brett Favre stories, but c’mon this is good stuff here…and before I start let’s all just clear the air here, I know what everyone’s thinking….

Brett Favre’s sister is a smokeshow…

now obviously I don't mean that in the way most of you are thinking...I mean just because she was arrested for meth doesn't mean she smokes THAT much, I meant in in terms of her looks. Her chestnut hair, the way she wears it in that "I just got arrested in a meth bust and I don't care how it looks" kinda way (even though you just know she spent all morning on that). Her ghostly pale complexion, (I wonder if that's how ghost Ryan looks now) and those deep sunken beautiful eyes that seem to look directly into your soul...

dammit I'm distracted now...how did Ryan do this on a bi-monthly basis???

All I can think about is how bad I want to piledrive Brett Favre's sister, what's that...you're unfamiliar with that position??

well lucky for you readers I'm not afraid to push the limits...check out the ol' piledriver Here

...I'm so sorry

-Dave Jett

NEW WRITER COMPETITION (MUST BE NAMED RYAN OR BE WILLING TO CHANGE NAME TO RYAN)

It's been a month, we're all over Ryan being dead by now.

What I'm not over however, is potentially losing this blog, which is the second most important thing in the world to me. (I love you too Katamari).

I came up with an ingenious plan to save the blog. I just have to find another bloke named Ryan, and bingo-bango blog is saved yeah.

Our first entrant in the Ryan replacement contest is Ryan Flanagan, who has agreed to guest write this entry.

"GUEST WRITER" by Ryan Flanagan

Thanks Brent for the wondrous opportunity. Ryanandbrent is still one of the top Gemcraft related search topics on Google, so a chance to take over for Ryan "boring and dead" Dungavell is one I don't take lightly.

Being a ghostwriter is serious and so I did a lot of research on Ghostwriter to prepare. I call it "Ryan's Ghostwriter Review."

The show is called Ghostwriter, and like he's not a scary ghost or anything, no he was just hanging out in a book in Jamal's basement waiting for someone to open the book and stuff.

My favorite episode was the one when they had the community garden, and some people got sick and that, and some rabbits died, what happened, poison in the ground it looks like. I can't remember if it was natural, or someone put it there or something but it was a mystery.

Tina and Alex kiss for the first time, but he's not sure if she likes him still, Gabby is sick, not because of jealousy, she doesn't like Alex it's still mostly the poison.

Even though he's dead Ghostwriter he can still do all sorts of stuff and like helps the children solve the poison mystery, I think he might write a book or paint them a picture to help them solve it or something and then in the end their tomato harvest is great.

So the moral of the story is, you know, even if you're dead like other Ryan, you can still solve mysteries and win awards because it won some awards and that. Might've been an Oscar.

I wasn't really paying complete attention, but like I said, it won some awards so it must have been pretty good...ummm. 9 out of 10.

Ryan Memorial Post

I have some bad news.

The worst news.

Ryan is no longer with us.

I guess it could be worse. I mean, I could be dead. I prefer things this way.

I went to his house today, walked around back, and knocked on his bedroom window.

There was no response.

I looked into the window.

The room was empty! Of him....his stuff was still all in there and stuff.

All we have left of him is a note he left behind. Is it a suicide note? Did he suddenly get a terminal illness and draft a letter right before dying? I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS PEOPLE. The only answer I do have is that he's dead and that he's never coming back. EVER.

I'm sure Ryan's reading this post wherever he is. His grave, most likely. Do they have computers in graves? Can skeletons read? Why are owls viewed as wise? They don't look that smart to me.

I'll miss you buddy, and all the good times we had. Remember when I hit you in the face with a pie? That was pretty funny.

It's only fitting that Ryan have the last words on his own memorial. Like how James Earl Jones narrated the Mufasa TV funeral special after he killed himself: Hara-kiri Matata.

Without further ado, Ryan's farewell letter.

Hey Brent,

I'm going to be in Thailand for the next 7 weeks going on that vacation I told you about several times. Remember? We even went to the Royal Thai Consulate together to get my visa.

Just wanted to remind you to keep me abreast of any Blue Jays news, because again, as you know, I am in Thailand.

Don't forget to feed my sugar glider Mittsy!

Your pal, who is leaving for vacation, and is not dead,

Ryan


RIP Dear Friend. You will not be forgotten.....right away.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters, FOR REALZ THIS TIME

You caught me Ryan.

I KNEW that I could beat your score, but I just didn't have the time. Just like I didn't have the time to proofread pinkags' HORRIBLE photoshop before posting it.

I'm a very busy and important man. Crab cakes to eat, crab boats to drive, crab traps to fix. You know the drill.

So I took a week off work completely dead-set on DESTROYING your record by exactly 1,000 feet. It only took 45 seconds. I spent the remainder of my vacation basking in glory.

That got boring pretty fast, so then I watched Gamesmaster, a British video game TV show from 1995. I love it when they talk about how great the graphics are when they are in fact not that great.

WATCH HOW BAD THEY ARE AT MARIO 64! The temper tantrum the guy throws after immediately falling off the slide, then accusing the show of fixing the competition is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEFr6ACZ8sI

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE IS COMPLETE UNADULTERATED PROOF THAT I AM BETTER THAN RYAN

I 100% solemnly swear that pinkag did not touch up this image one iota. Or so help me, may she get hit by a wayward crab boat whose first mate is on vacation.


WOW is right! 3,808 feet!!! Look at those celebratory fireworks I got on the side as well!
All while using Vista and having my Gmail in the other tab. I believe that covers it.

IN SUMMATION:

I AM THE BEST

Lies!

Dear Imaginary Readers,

I can't sit idly by and let you be sucked into Brent's web of lies, it's time the truth about his latest post be revealed. I know this will devastate many of you, like finding out that your favourite athlete was on steroids...but the truth must come out.

Brents flight of the hamster record was not attained on skill alone...it was aided....by photoshop!

I know what you're thinking..."Ryan these are some pretty serious accusations, what proof to do you have?"

well my friends, lets take a closer look at the picture shall we???

(I would usually add in the picture here but seriously it's one post down, just slightly scroll down...there ya go)

evidence #1: Everyone knows that Brent loves window's Vista....and yet here he is using Windows 7? A little odd isn't it?

evidence #2 Why is windows live hotmail open in another tab? Brent doesn't use hotmail...

evidence #3 Everything is exactly the same as in my picture except the numbers, and isn't his girlfriend majoring in photoshop at school?

evidence #4 I'm way more talented at flight of the hamsters than Brent...just the fact that his score was higher should be evidence of cheating.

So what now???

well my friends, I'm afraid that Brent is looking at some serious jail time...you can't lie on the internet.

So...I'm Pretty the Best at Flight of the Hamsters

Photographic proof.

I challenge Ryan to beat this score so that I can then beat him again. I AM THE GREATEST

The Anti Jared: Part 2

I know, I know...I haven't been on here in awhile, but we don't all have the luxury of working a 9-5 job in downtown Toronto, some of us are busy...just yesterday I played flight of the hamsters for like 3 hours trying to break my record (mission accomplished) and then I had to go to baseball

life is crazy right now...

So what brings me back you ask? Well imaginary readers the truth is after reading Brents touching and informative piece "The Ant Jared" I thought I should share something with you...

I too have battled with weight problems.

While Brent brought up some interesting ideas on weight loss, I'd like to share with you some scientifically proven and healthier ways to help you imaginary readers achieve your goals...

1) Capsaicin: What is that you ask? it's the active ingredient found in hot peppers that makes food spicy. It's also been shown to increase metabolism in humans in addition to a myriad of other benefits. My recommendation, replace bottled water with bottles of hot sauce.

2) Smoking: It's been proven by science that smoking helps curb your appetite, less appetite means less food in your stomach, and ultimately less calories. Not a fan of smoking? that's fine, appetite loss is a side effect of all tobacco products! So head on down to your local convenience store, pick up some chewing tobacco, and let science take over. And if you're really serious about weight loss go ahead and swallow a little...I personally guarantee you will not be eating for a while. which leads nicely into my final tip...

3) Cancer: You know, Cancer gets a bad rap a lot of the time, I mean sure it's potentially fatal, but people often overlook the benefits, mainly weight loss. While the cancer cells slowly destroy your body from the inside out, you'll be laughing on your way to buy a whole new wardrobe!

Well my friends, I hope this helps, and in the meantime, I'll leave you with this...



seriously, I am awesome at this game....

They Would Have Named Some Sort of FunRun After Me

There was swelling and pain. I thought there might also be a lump.

In my testicles.

It would have been a testicular lump. Obviously I didn't jump to conclusions before I got it checked out, but OF COURSE I jumped to conclusions.

I was positive it was cancer, the scariest kind of cancer. Double cancer. It has spread to my lymph nodes already, what's that pain in my side? OH NO CANCER ALL OVER!

It turns out it wasn't cancer. So, that's good. Apparently your testicles are full of natural creases, grooves, lumps, and tubes. Which is really confusing, thanks a lot God.

Also, other lumps and swelling develop all the time from non-cancer related issues. I slightly tore a muscle in the area right behind the testicular zone which caused pain and concentrated swelling. Hooray, I guess.

The important point isn't my mini-scare, or to make light of cancer...which is honestly going to get me one day, as it did to most of my family tree.

The point is that this made me realize what a fucking narcissist I am, and how I can take LITERALLY any situation, no matter how dire, and turn it into a fantasy where I'm the hero.

See after I got examined, and the Doctor told me that I DID have cancer I was going to play it cool. "No big deal, we all have our struggles in life. Am I scared of death? Of course not, I am a brave, brave, brave, brave, strong, brave guy." I also wouldn't really tell anyone about it. "No need to worry my family or friends. They aren't as strong nor as brave as I am. Plus, I need the element of surprise to make the next part of the fantasy work."

Now there's two ways it could go. I played out both ways multiple times in my brains.

OPTION 1: I BEAT CANCER.

I don't make a big deal out of it, but now I do draw attention to it....subtly, maybe with a Facebook post thing. "Finally in remission." "Down one testicle, but it's worth it."
What those are really saying is. "I KICKED CANCER'S ASS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IT AND I AM AN INSPIRATION TO EVERYONE!!!!!"

OPTION 2: CANCER BEATS ME

I guess I didn't fight hard enough in this fantasy....although I've never really understood how one mentally "fights" cancer anyway.

On my death bed I'm still brave. "Don't....cry.....I've peacefully and quickly.....accepted my fate. I know....it is tragic that someone so brave and strong and dashing and young has had to pass on......it's been a blast."

Aren't your tear ducts welling with emotion at my brave stance in the face of eternal emptiness?

So again, I don't have cancer. Cancer is awful, and I've learned my lesson about being glib and fanciful when it comes to serious matters.

But I did sure class-ily kick its ass most of the time.

NEXT TIME: HOW I WOULD'VE NOT CRASHED ON THE RAINY ROAD THAT MORGAN FREEMAN CRASHED ON DESPITE MY HISTORY OF BEING IN MANY CAR CRASHES

The Anti-Jared

57% of North Americans are now considered "over-weight", obesity is an epidemic that affects millions (Kyle) that is just getting more common by the second.

A lot of the imaginary readers of the site could probably tell based on my writing tone (Dude totally writes like a fat guy)....but I've been battling weight issues for a while now, at my peak I was a shocking 177 pounds of gelatinous goo.

Think about that for a second. That's 34,170 pennies. That's 4.4 curling stones. That's 0.0000000607 CN Towers.

BUT NO LONGER. As of this morning I weighed in at 150.0 pounds. I haven't been this light since I was a baby, I think. Obviously 150 pounds is nice, but it's still large. (0.0000000515 CN Towers!!!)

I still wear the jeans I bought at my peak weight as motivation, and as a clarion call signifying how truly far I have come. They are a bit loose. But the bagginess signifies success. I should get a belt.

My goal is to get down to 77 pounds. Exactly 100 pounds lost. I will not rest until I reach my goals. Well, I will rest a lot actually. I'm tired a lot now and struggle to complete simple tasks. I sit in my office chair a lot. It feels like it's too big now. I should ask for a new, smaller chair. Ugh, Maya is all the way across the room....too weak to speak, only capable of typing short word slow, must fight urge eat.

***LUNCH BREAK ***

Phew, much better. So how did I do it? It's easy!!

Just follow these simple steps.

1) Don't really eat at all. Ever. I'm on an all-"liquid" diet. Speaking of:

2) Hydration is key. It's the key enemy of weight loss. Did you know your body is 75% water? I could weigh 37.5 pounds right now if I could just excise it all from my being. I'm trying though. On my lunch break I ground up some chalk with some sand and had a shake. (I obviously didn't use water as a base, I used tar) Chalk juice I call it. Chalk on the beach. Ol' Dry Mouth. The Tennessee Grift. V8: Like the Engine Not the Gross Tomato Stuff. I like to have it on the rocks, like I literally use pebbles.

That's pretty much it. Shape up Kyle! Or Ship Out! I don't know what that last part means, but it sounds pretty, pretty, pretty, motivating.

I'll write about Chicago when the world is cured of obesity.

This is what we in the biz call a teaser.

I'm in Shipshewana, Indiana. Right now, not in 2009, despite what that sign says.

That's right, THE Shipshewana, Indiana. Home of Northeastern Indiana's largest Country Auction and Antique House, as well as an Arby's.

When I figure out how to get the rest of the pictures from the camera onto the computer, I will regale you all with incredible vacation stories.

Including:

JAM-MAKING!!!

A NEWS CONFERENCE WITH A SUPER SECRET BLACK TARP!!!

JELLY-MAKING!!!

AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MAYBE MORE.

STAY TUNED INTERNETS