The Anti Jared: Part 2

I know, I know...I haven't been on here in awhile, but we don't all have the luxury of working a 9-5 job in downtown Toronto, some of us are busy...just yesterday I played flight of the hamsters for like 3 hours trying to break my record (mission accomplished) and then I had to go to baseball

life is crazy right now...

So what brings me back you ask? Well imaginary readers the truth is after reading Brents touching and informative piece "The Ant Jared" I thought I should share something with you...

I too have battled with weight problems.

While Brent brought up some interesting ideas on weight loss, I'd like to share with you some scientifically proven and healthier ways to help you imaginary readers achieve your goals...

1) Capsaicin: What is that you ask? it's the active ingredient found in hot peppers that makes food spicy. It's also been shown to increase metabolism in humans in addition to a myriad of other benefits. My recommendation, replace bottled water with bottles of hot sauce.

2) Smoking: It's been proven by science that smoking helps curb your appetite, less appetite means less food in your stomach, and ultimately less calories. Not a fan of smoking? that's fine, appetite loss is a side effect of all tobacco products! So head on down to your local convenience store, pick up some chewing tobacco, and let science take over. And if you're really serious about weight loss go ahead and swallow a little...I personally guarantee you will not be eating for a while. which leads nicely into my final tip...

3) Cancer: You know, Cancer gets a bad rap a lot of the time, I mean sure it's potentially fatal, but people often overlook the benefits, mainly weight loss. While the cancer cells slowly destroy your body from the inside out, you'll be laughing on your way to buy a whole new wardrobe!

Well my friends, I hope this helps, and in the meantime, I'll leave you with this...



seriously, I am awesome at this game....

They Would Have Named Some Sort of FunRun After Me

There was swelling and pain. I thought there might also be a lump.

In my testicles.

It would have been a testicular lump. Obviously I didn't jump to conclusions before I got it checked out, but OF COURSE I jumped to conclusions.

I was positive it was cancer, the scariest kind of cancer. Double cancer. It has spread to my lymph nodes already, what's that pain in my side? OH NO CANCER ALL OVER!

It turns out it wasn't cancer. So, that's good. Apparently your testicles are full of natural creases, grooves, lumps, and tubes. Which is really confusing, thanks a lot God.

Also, other lumps and swelling develop all the time from non-cancer related issues. I slightly tore a muscle in the area right behind the testicular zone which caused pain and concentrated swelling. Hooray, I guess.

The important point isn't my mini-scare, or to make light of cancer...which is honestly going to get me one day, as it did to most of my family tree.

The point is that this made me realize what a fucking narcissist I am, and how I can take LITERALLY any situation, no matter how dire, and turn it into a fantasy where I'm the hero.

See after I got examined, and the Doctor told me that I DID have cancer I was going to play it cool. "No big deal, we all have our struggles in life. Am I scared of death? Of course not, I am a brave, brave, brave, brave, strong, brave guy." I also wouldn't really tell anyone about it. "No need to worry my family or friends. They aren't as strong nor as brave as I am. Plus, I need the element of surprise to make the next part of the fantasy work."

Now there's two ways it could go. I played out both ways multiple times in my brains.

OPTION 1: I BEAT CANCER.

I don't make a big deal out of it, but now I do draw attention to it....subtly, maybe with a Facebook post thing. "Finally in remission." "Down one testicle, but it's worth it."
What those are really saying is. "I KICKED CANCER'S ASS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IT AND I AM AN INSPIRATION TO EVERYONE!!!!!"

OPTION 2: CANCER BEATS ME

I guess I didn't fight hard enough in this fantasy....although I've never really understood how one mentally "fights" cancer anyway.

On my death bed I'm still brave. "Don't....cry.....I've peacefully and quickly.....accepted my fate. I know....it is tragic that someone so brave and strong and dashing and young has had to pass on......it's been a blast."

Aren't your tear ducts welling with emotion at my brave stance in the face of eternal emptiness?

So again, I don't have cancer. Cancer is awful, and I've learned my lesson about being glib and fanciful when it comes to serious matters.

But I did sure class-ily kick its ass most of the time.

NEXT TIME: HOW I WOULD'VE NOT CRASHED ON THE RAINY ROAD THAT MORGAN FREEMAN CRASHED ON DESPITE MY HISTORY OF BEING IN MANY CAR CRASHES

The Anti-Jared

57% of North Americans are now considered "over-weight", obesity is an epidemic that affects millions (Kyle) that is just getting more common by the second.

A lot of the imaginary readers of the site could probably tell based on my writing tone (Dude totally writes like a fat guy)....but I've been battling weight issues for a while now, at my peak I was a shocking 177 pounds of gelatinous goo.

Think about that for a second. That's 34,170 pennies. That's 4.4 curling stones. That's 0.0000000607 CN Towers.

BUT NO LONGER. As of this morning I weighed in at 150.0 pounds. I haven't been this light since I was a baby, I think. Obviously 150 pounds is nice, but it's still large. (0.0000000515 CN Towers!!!)

I still wear the jeans I bought at my peak weight as motivation, and as a clarion call signifying how truly far I have come. They are a bit loose. But the bagginess signifies success. I should get a belt.

My goal is to get down to 77 pounds. Exactly 100 pounds lost. I will not rest until I reach my goals. Well, I will rest a lot actually. I'm tired a lot now and struggle to complete simple tasks. I sit in my office chair a lot. It feels like it's too big now. I should ask for a new, smaller chair. Ugh, Maya is all the way across the room....too weak to speak, only capable of typing short word slow, must fight urge eat.

***LUNCH BREAK ***

Phew, much better. So how did I do it? It's easy!!

Just follow these simple steps.

1) Don't really eat at all. Ever. I'm on an all-"liquid" diet. Speaking of:

2) Hydration is key. It's the key enemy of weight loss. Did you know your body is 75% water? I could weigh 37.5 pounds right now if I could just excise it all from my being. I'm trying though. On my lunch break I ground up some chalk with some sand and had a shake. (I obviously didn't use water as a base, I used tar) Chalk juice I call it. Chalk on the beach. Ol' Dry Mouth. The Tennessee Grift. V8: Like the Engine Not the Gross Tomato Stuff. I like to have it on the rocks, like I literally use pebbles.

That's pretty much it. Shape up Kyle! Or Ship Out! I don't know what that last part means, but it sounds pretty, pretty, pretty, motivating.

I'll write about Chicago when the world is cured of obesity.

This is what we in the biz call a teaser.

I'm in Shipshewana, Indiana. Right now, not in 2009, despite what that sign says.

That's right, THE Shipshewana, Indiana. Home of Northeastern Indiana's largest Country Auction and Antique House, as well as an Arby's.

When I figure out how to get the rest of the pictures from the camera onto the computer, I will regale you all with incredible vacation stories.

Including:

JAM-MAKING!!!

A NEWS CONFERENCE WITH A SUPER SECRET BLACK TARP!!!

JELLY-MAKING!!!

AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MAYBE MORE.

STAY TUNED INTERNETS

HILARIOUS JOKE THRILLS FAMILY

IS NOW, PERHAPS EVEN MORE FUNNY THREE MONTHS LATER

It was Christmas dinner.

My brother was late.

There was a pie there.

Sometimes the incredible Ryanandbrent jokes just write themselves.

Take a moment to think how you would blend these factors together to make the entire room bust with laughter……..TIMES UP KYLE!

“Hey Mark, you should try the Lemon Meringue Pie. I think you’ll find it to be, much like yourself (pause for added emphasis) QUITE TARTY!”

The only problem was that no one laughed.

They must not have heard me I thought.

“QUITE TARTY!!!!!”

Alright, they heard me both times. Maybe they just didn’t understand the greatness I had bestowed upon them.

“You see, Mark was late, or TARDY to dinner. And the pie is quite TARTY. Do you see what I did there? Do you all? You may now commence laughing.”

So it turns out they just didn’t think it was funny.

I hate my family.

Almost as much as I hate Kyle. Kyle Shiaman. The Kyle Shiaman who lives right near me but still won't hang out in my tiny, box of an apartment.

I hate Scott on a level between the two.

It’s not all for naught though, stay tuned for when I'll relate more bunny eggs-amples of my holiday puns. (I figure if I prepare my puns in advance it will go over better.)

My well-crafted Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Passover Pinkas joke promises to bring the house down at Passover '10 (which, correct me if I'm wrong is the Hebrew holiday celebrating that time when Yahweh turned the Dead Sea into salty brine and then pickled Moses.)

Lastly, Go Duke.

Imaginary RyanandBrent Readers Unite!

Dear Imaginary Readers:

I realize I haven't been the best blogger of late, it's not that I don't care about you, or that I've lost my passion for writing, or even that I've been busy. My disappearance from the interweb stems from something much more serious...a broken heart.

Perhaps you remember a blog I wrote back on June 19th titled "dear imaginary readers" in which I asked our readers to take me to the zoo (a very reasonable request given the circumstances). Well none of you stepped up, and it hurt...

Sure, I eventually went a few weeks later anyways, and though it was awesome it just wasn't quite what I had envisioned. I pictured our loyal readers coming to pick me up in a limo, and being pushed around in a wagon while being fed grapes and sunflower seeds. And I certainly envisioned there being penguins...seriously, how am I supposed to have fun at the zoo without penguins???

The hurt got even worse a few months later after sharing my epic checkers win with all of you and not one of you congratulated me in the comments section! Do you even realize how big of a comeback that was? Do you??? And I don't even want to talk about how embarrassed I was after realizing the NCA (national checkers association) was in fact a figment of my imagination and not a real thing.

Things spiraled downhill pretty quickly after that, I spent a lot of time in my room crying. I even started to doubt whether you imaginary readers were real...

But I'm ready to put the past behind us, because we must unite. There is trouble on the horizon for RyanandBrent. The website that you imaginary readers rely on for your monthly entertainment may be in Jeapordy. I can't discuss details right now, all I can say is that you can blame Scott Rusell, not the CBC announcer the other one (I assume there are only two)

may god have mercy on us all....

My Olympic Experience

Just got back from Vancouver.

I wanted to stay for the Gold Medal Hockey Game, but Canada is going to lose to Slovakia. Plus, they said they didn't have any tickets left. I asked if they had any tickets for Canadian heroes who may be in wheelchairs. They said they'd check.

Then they said no.

Sorry for not getting back to any of you sooner, I probably should have checked my e-mail while I was out West. I had like 120 messages waiting for me when I get back.

To kill multiple birds with one stone, yes that was me carrying the Olympic torch. Yes, I was at the Opening Ceremonies. Yes, I was in a wheelchair. No, I am not disabled.

But to be fair, they didn't ask me that. All I said was that I was in a wheelchair, which was true. I was IN a wheelchair.



I thought about getting up and doing a dance after my leg of the Torch relay was done and proclaiming that the spirit of the Olympics and all Canadians had healed me.

But then I thought that that would be disrespectful to all of our special Paralympic athletes and the handicapped community as a whole. Plus, I was strapped in there pretty good, so I just wheeled my way across the finish.

I won an essay writing contest to get to carry the torch. I wrote two essays, one with me in a wheelchair, and one with me as regular me. Guess which one won?

One Spoke At a Time : A Rope of Sand
by: Brent "Wheels" Wilson

My name is Brent Wilson. I am currently in a wheelchair. My whole life, my one sole dream has been to carry the Olympic torch and to get lots of attention. It's technically two sole dreams.

When my doctor told me "Brent, you may never walk again. You may technically be situated in a wheelchair in 2010 during the torch relay. You should quit on life and give up both your two sole dreams."
(Conversation may or may not have occurred in actuality.)

Well...that lit a fire inside me. That fire burns with the passion of a single torch. A single torch attached to a pole. A pole connected to my wheelchair since I would need both hands to wheel the chair. Wait, would I? Is pushing a wheelchair hard? Can I request that my relay leg is slightly downhill?

In summation, I'll show you Dr. Guy. I'll never give up and/or stop pushing for my DREAMS! CANADA! DETERMINATION! TECHNICALLY IN A WHEELCHAIR!

Heroically yours,

Wheels.


Here was my rejected submission.

Dear Olympic people,

I think I'm losing my hair. I could really use a pick-me-up.

Your pal,

Brent

Top Ten Decade Names of The Decade

Oh when you're born in December
It's hard to remember
Well the 90s have ended
So what do you call this decade?

Of course those are the lyrics to the hit song "Children of December" by the defining band of the last ten years: The Slip.

And that's my Top Most Defining One Band of The Decade list taken care of. My thanks to Google and its prompt response to my query "decade lyrics 90s".

Hopefully Ryanandbrent will now get pushed up the Google search rankings for that as well.

Decade lyrics 90s will be the next decades Level 34 Gemcraft (Winner of the Ryanandbrent "Most Ryanandbrentiest Google Search of the Decade.")

The Slip do raise an excellent question in that song though...what will we call that decade?
A list is the only way to truly know the answer.

10) The Two Thousands: C'mon, that could apply to the entire millenium. Way to pick a decade name Kyle.

9) The Naughties: Is there an N? I don't feel like that's right....maybe I can pretend it's social commentary about how we hurt the environment this decade. Oh, how Naughty we have truly been.

8) The 'Aughties: I checked, there's no N.

7) Time is an Arbitrary, Man-made Distinction, the universe has no beginning, no middle, and no end. Placing a name to the unnameable won't fill the empty angst that overflows your being. Just embrace the nothingness, become enveloped by the void. Oooh, the Sugar Bowl is on.

6) The Double Zeros: Straight, to the point, accurate, but boring.

5) The Decade doesn't end until after 2010, do we have to go through this every milestone? There was no Year Zero, thus this ten year period doesn't end until Dec. 31, 2010. All your lists have been premature. Another thing, 25 years after you get married isn't your 25th Anniversary, your wedding day wasn't your first anniversary was it? C'mon Kyle, jeez.

4) The Twenty Oh's: I like saying Oh. It's usually followed by an exclamation point, but I like going without. I use it as my meditation word, like Ohm but even more concise. That cuts my meditation time down by a third. Time saving tip of the Decade!

3) The Two Zero Zeros: I'm struggling to stretch this to ten items.

2) The Seventies: Remember the Nineteen Eighties? Weren't they great? Well since the Mayan calendar ends at 2012, we'll never get another one. Does that seem fair? Of course not, so if we just call this last year 2079 we skip right over 2012 and get to have another Eighties starting today. I've got my legwarmers on already.

1) The Ryanandbrent Decade: Yea, verily it has come to pass, the Holy Trinity of Ryan, Brent and their Holy Spirit, Mortimer the Ghost from the WBIPOD post were born to a virgin blogspot URL this decade.

Many wisemen from Germany brought unto them gifts of crafted Gems worth a bajillion points each, to throw lightning at assorted monsterguys. So it was spoken, and so it has come to pass.

▼ December (1)

A wise man once said "the pen is mightier than the sword." That man? Jesus Christ (Leviticus 7:19), who said that moments before writing the Bible...and about a year before he was ironically stabbed to death in an alleyway. Obviously it would be blasphemous not to follow my one true Lord and Saviors advice....TIMES TWO!

Times One: Jesus Had A Beard. My bracelet compels me to do whatever Jesus did, so ipso facto I should have a beard.

Times Two: Pen/Sword Thing again, Jesus is telling me that rather than punching my girlfriends kidneys to make her see that beards are great, I should just write down that I will punch her if she doesn't let me get my way.

I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS IF I CAN'T GROW A BEARD. IT WON'T LEAVE ANY BRUISES AT ALL. IF ANYONE ASKS A SHEEP BUTTED YOU IN THE KIDNEYS. MY PUNCHES ARE AT PERFECT SHEEP'S HEAD LEVEL HEIGHT. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Done and done, pen is mightier.

Alternately, I could use the written word to craft a flawless argument to convince her that beards are the way to go. It's not what Jesus intended, but it's worth a shot.

The key to tricking people is to keep in mind that people like some things, but that they do not like other things. To get them to like things they do not like, all you have to do is fool them into thinking something they like is very similar to something they do not like.

Did you know that I once hated Fruit by the Foot but loved Bubble Tape? That was until Ryan told me that despite their superficial differences, they actually have a very subtle similarity. Both will stick in Brad Hansons' hair if you cover them with glue. Now I LOVE Fruit by the Foot!

So Girlfriend, I know that you think beards are gross, I know you also think you like your pet cat. Say, did you ever notice that beards and pet cats are very similar to one another?

They're both hardly noticeable and demand little attention at first. Then they get itchy. As they grow older they get pretty patchy, and the moustache part won't really fill in so you need to use that eyebrow pencil thing. At that point they're still pretty itchy and will irritate anything that rubs against it. Finally, before they reach their full potential you have to get rid of them to go to work. You chop them into tiny pieces with five blades and wash their remains down the sink.

As a last resort, you should also remember that the name of something has a big influence on how you think of it.

Hey, do you want a tiny plate of corn chips with a few pieces of grated cheese and a cup of red sauce? Of course not! But do you want Mucho Con Nachos? I'm halfway to the Borders just thinking about it. (The Mexican Restaurant is in the Mall next to Borders.)

Good bye "gross beard." Hello "Un Hombre Con MUCHO Barbo."

Still not convinced? Oh, you are? Well, that was easier than I thought.

RyanandBrent Sports Update: Covering All Things Sports (And Hockey Too)

Upsets...


In Baseball, the Red Sox did what no team in history had done before, and came back from a 3-0 defecit to beat the Yankees in the ALCS. In College Football, Appalachian State defeated Michigan in what some called "the biggest upset in American sports" and in Ice Hockey, the USA upset the USSR in what is now referred to as "The Miracle on Ice".

Checkers had never had an upset story of it's own, its always played second fiddle to slightly more popular sports such as Chess, Backgammon, and Ice Hockey...that is until Tuesday November 24th. A day which will forever be remembered in Checkers history as the day the "Miracle on the Checkerboard" took place.

The game started out as a back and forth affair...that is until my opponent executed a clever "double jump" to obtain the games first "king". She soon executed another double jump, and things began to look bleak for me. I had thoughts of giving up, I was prepared to throw the rest of the game just to get it over with. But that's when I came to my senses. I thought about my favourite Checkers player Leon H. Goans, and my dreams of one day playing in the NCA (National Checkers Association). I thought about my favourite team, the Seattle TripleJumpers, and the comeback they had vs. the Sacramento Kings in game 3 of the Checkers Cup. I thought about the fact I was playing a girl, and how embarrassing it would be to lose. And as these thoughts raced through my head, I felt that competitive fire burning in my heart once again. I couldn't just give up, I was going to give this game everything I had...

At this point in time she had 5 kings compared to my 1 king and 1 single. I knew the only chance I had was to get that single to become a King, and with that I raced that single across the board one space at a time faster than a lightning bolt until he became a king. it was now 5-2 in her favour, a defecit that no checker player had ever overcome. My next step was to run, and wait for an opening to attack, and soon enough after getting frustrated at my constant hiding she made a mistake leading to a double jump by me. The defecit was down to 3-2, and I now had momentum on my side. We soon after exchanged blows making it 2-1.

Now usually 2-1 is an insurmountable lead in checkers. But she was rattled...I could see it her in moves, she was no longer playing to win, she was playing not to lose. And soon after making it even...I trapped her in the corner capping off "the miracle on the checkerboard"

and now all I all have to do is wait for next June's Checker draft where I can only assume I will be a top pick. Looks like things are finally falling into place...

And In Other News:

Ryan moves into 1st Place in Fantasy Basketball Pool!!!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served in Equal, Constant, Tiny Doses

I'm going to get you for this, and when you least expect it.

I wouldn't expect it right now, not like right after you just said that.

Really? Or are you just saying that because you do expect it, but want me to think that you don't.

Well....if you can't tell that now how are you going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment of my least expectations in the future? I assumed when you made that threat that you had some sort of expectation gauge.

I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I guess I was going to go home, plan my revenge, then use random.com, the number one random number generating website to randomly pick a number between one and thirty. Then I would get you on that day next month. Probably at night time, because I think sleepy people have lower expectations of someone hiding under their bed and then grabbing their leg and yelling "Boo" than an awake person would.

Now I'm just going to have equal expectations of you doing that every night next month to cover my bases.

Hmm, in that case then I can either scare you once, or I could split that scare into thirty equal mini-scares every day. If your expectations are equal the whole month it works out the same for me. Would you not expect that?

Actually now after all this talk the thing that I would expect the least is if you just gave up your plans and hung out in your apartment instead.

You can come over and we can play Smash Brothers if you want.

Sure.

Alright, but I'm going to Final Smash you when you least expect it! Would you expect it less if I was Kirby or Ness? Ooh or King Deedee?

Zero Suit Samus.

Wait, nevermind. I'm outta here.

See ya later buddy!

Deck The Deck With Decks A'Plenty

Hey there neighbour...ooh that's a beaut of a new deck you just put in there. I was wondering what was going on back here, is it normal to have your deck constructed under a big black tarp?

Hi Cranston, this marvel of modern decknology was put together by the top scientists in the field, I was on a waiting list for months before their crew had an opening. This is a brand new DeckPro Deckamyid model. It was crafted out of gems. It's a Gemcraft. You think I'm just going to walk every Cran, Ston, and Nancy through exactly how it's made? Why would I give any of you a Gemcraft Walkthrough?

Well alright then...but I guess you'll have to have Nance and me over for a grand opening barbecue to celebrate your new Deckamire.

Right, so that you can sneak away to the Northwest quadrant, lift up the false bottom and steal the blueprints? It would look ridiculous if we both had DeckPro Deckamyids' side by side. Remember how I put up a basketball net and then you put up a basketball net? We look like the Hard Lime Gold Trotskers. Ridiculous!!!!

Well geez, why don't you just hire some armed guards then for your deck? And then instead of your neighbors you can have the armed guards over for a barbeque. But then they'll be terrible party guests because they're so used to talking on Walkie-Talkies that they'll end every sentence with Over and it'll be really annoying.

Don't be silly, all my armed guards are deaf since deaf people have better eye sight. The better to spot intruders with. Plus they're as silent as a hedge. And then I dress them up like hedges. I always put them on my wifes' team when we play Taboo so I always win.

Oh, and I'm sure you'll put up a big barbed wire fence that will block our view of the beautiful Ray Twinney Sports and Recreation Complex.

I think that'd be too much work, the guard dogs Frisbees would always end up flying over it and we'd have to walk all the way around to retrieve them. But I'll keep it in mind. Now if you don't mind I'm going to deck the deckmas tree with deck o'lanterns. Have a deck deck!

Exeunt

YOUR COMPREHENSIVE NUIT BLANCHE 2009 COVERAGE

At Nuit Blanche we stopped to see what was going on at the church across the street from the ROM.

There was an art installation there that was a striking metaphor. So striking I forgot to get Pinka to take any pictures of it.....and a Google image search for "nuit blanche art thing" hasn't worked out that well.

On the pulpit there was a tree covered in kites. Each of the kites' strings were entangled with branches and trapped, never to soar again. On the floor, connected to the strings were a number of postcards, each of which had peoples hopes and wishes for the future on them.

We all have wishes for events we want to happen, or things we want to have. But when we throw these wishes into the air like kites they just get tangled in the tree of life. This tangling obscures what life should really be all about.

I'm not sure what that is, I didn't finish reading the displays explanation. I think it has something to do with 1080 Snowboarding for the Nintendo 64. You'll never beat that Gold Snowboard Guy if you just wish about it. You actually have to get out there, on that virtual snowboard and go faster than him and/or do lots of tricks on your virtual snowboard. I suggest using Kensuke Kimachi.

Not wanting to be left out I wrote a wish to be attached to a kite.

"I wish that when I die, instead of being dead forever that there was a way to not be dead. And instead I would live forever.

Oh well....."

And that was about it for Nuit Blanche. Although I also found out I can dance the Charleston better than I can dance any other dance. Which is to say slightly below averagely.

I Went on a Trip, yeah.

I Went on a Trip, yes.

They say variety is the spice of life. That means that doing different things than normal is akin to adding a tasty spice to a bland dish. Like normally when I cook (go to Subway Sandwichers Shop) I ask for hot sauce on my chicken sandwich. But yesterday I asked for EXTRA hot sauce.

Taking a trip is supposed to be like adding extra hot sauce to the sandwich that is life, because you will see things on this trip that you won't normally see in Newmarket....like beautiful women!!!! Zing, take that Kyle.

I'm afraid to say that San Francisco failed me. They should call it Bland Blandcisco, because then it fits into my metaphor about spices nicely.


Hey look at me, I'm a bridge! I've never seen a bridge before! Oh wait, nice try bridge, we all know you're just a rip-off of the bridge at Fairy Lake in Newmarket that goes over that part of the lake that is narrow enough to traverse by bridge. Or that other bridge that overlooks the waterfall by Fairy Lake, or that wooden boardwalk at Fairy Lake that goes over water so is technically a bridge.

Not to mention the fact that there is nothing at the other side of that bridge, you just have to turn around and go back.....and I really had to go to the bathroom and you aren't allowed to pee off the side. Well at Fairy Lake you are! And the bridge leads to that playground with a spider web climby thing.



Oh my god a paved street? Take that Newmarket! Oh wait, Lombard Street? More like wanna-be Crossland Gate Boulevard. This street leads from the top of that hill to the bottom of that hill whereas Crossland Gate leads from Emma's old house, all the way to my old house, all the way to Big Graham's old house, past Phil's old house, right by Ryan's current house, passes by Reid's old house and then it just keeps on going. Does it ever end? I don't want to know.

Not to mention how impractical this curvy flower street is, pfft look how long it takes to drive down it. Crossland Gates curves are like a good wine, dependable, not too harsh, and a third attribute that would not seem to make for a good wine quality which makes it a hilarious joke, let's go with "paved with asphalt", hahahaha.

San Francisco wasn't a total bust though, I did get to do something Ryan never got to do in his life ever, something you can't do in Newmarket, or Toronto, or even Stingray Bay featuring Sharks at the Toronto Zoo. I touched a SHARK (pause for the photographic proof)

Read it and weep boy.

Dear Imaginary Readers:

Look, Brent and I have provided you with endless hours of entertainment over the past year and have asked for nothing in return...well that's gonna change, due to the change in the economic climate and the fact that I don't have any real friends I'm not blogging anymore until somebody takes me to the zoo...usually I avoid the outdoors due to fear of bee`s and sharp sticks but I`ll make an exception for this.

we'll have oh so much fun...we can see the monkeys and giraffe's and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They don't live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies...

I`ll bring a blanket and we can sit in the shade and we can whisper secrets in each others ears...I have lots of secrets...mostly fantasies revolving around Micheal Landons character in the show `little house on the prairie`` I bet he knew the name of those dog-like animals that live on the prairies

Do you ever wonder if the animals at the zoo are actually just actors dressed up in animal costumes? yeah me neither. Though if I had a pet giraffe i would make him a giraffe costume and then I would take him out and say "hey everyone, look at my giraffe" and they would say "that's not a real giraffe, i can see the zipper" and then they would be shocked when they found out it was a real giraffe all along...If I did this often enough than eventually people wouldn't question me about it and would just assume it's a real giraffe. Then I could put my friends in the giraffe suit and sneak them into the movies for free (giraffe's don't have to pay to see movies)

so just lemme know in the comments section the date and time you want to pick me up...